You are here:

Teen Dating Issues/How to get her back?

Advertisement


Question
QUESTION: Hello,

I´ve known this girl for a really long time (around 2 years). When we met she had a boyfriend, who she recently broke up with. In this period, when i met her, he was very abusive and she was completly obsessed by him,  and she has always had very depressions and no confidence or selfesteem at all. Her and her bf was in a long distance relationship. When i met her online, she and me had a connection right from the beginning. And I always tried making her stronger. She started having doubts about him, and fighting him alot, because i gave her the confidence and woke her up.

When we met in real life, we went on a date and everything was perfect between us and we flirted alot.She was forced to breakup with him despite still loving him, and when i went to her for a weekend, again everything was perfect between us. And we were sleeping together, kissing and enjoyed each other so much. However the day after i came back she was so diffrent and went back to him.

Ever since then theres been very long periods without contact, because i couldn´t take it. And we´ve always kept thinking of each other. She made a special book for me, letters. and even came to my doorstep when i had cut her off, where she had tried suiciding because she couldnt live without seeing me.

She´s always said noone has made her so strong, been so sweet or been there like me. I´ve always tried treating her like a princess, giving her flowers, super personal handmade gifts, and also expensive gifts, massages treating her like noone has. And at first her friends and bf manipulated her against me until she apologied and broke up..however she always went back. We still kept the spark between us, there was just no way I could "beat" her bf as she as so attached to him he always abused her and controlled her, while I gave her freedom and let her be in charge to feel how it could be. Always protected her.

She said her boyfriends mistakes and how he mistreated her made her feel more equal, because i was too sweet, too good for her. she felt she couldnt be a good enough girlfriend for me. And I know she meant it. It made me angry that because I did this, she felt i was too sweet, like i worshipped her and she wasn´t worth it. When i told her why i did it to seperate myself from her boyfriend. She finally woke up and broke up. And was so sure about it...we were together 2 for months until unfortunately nothing i could do...it happened and she couldnt live without him...

I told her, as long as he is there i wont be there. Maybe one day things could be diffrent, and she said all things happened so fast...but it was so hard when it felt so good between us, we´ve always been perfect for each other. Ive always tried fixing her life problems, school, parents. everything. her parents was also extremly fond of me.

However now 6 months later. She came back. Broke up with him. For real this time. And i can feel things are diffrent...but now even though we met up. things are diffrent between us. it´s like because she went back to her boyfriend our little spark the little love and feelings between us got crushed. And she doesnt feel it anymore.

The day i waited for has finally come, yet, I made the mistake of maybe not being clear enough by being selfish. i always wanted to be there for her. All her friends was in love with her. She was obsessed with her boyfriend, yet i made it where i was her guy..even for a short while.

But the question is what do I do now. We talked about it. She wants to be friends, she said she still doesn´t feel like shes single emotionally. And nothing will happen between us. Maybe if she was with another guy and then broke up it would she said.

She keeps saying "i dont know" when i ask her, about "what if". I feel like i lost her because i just didn´t wait until she was single. yet she also said without me she´d still be that shy quiet girl.

Now i know some other guy will come to enjoy her as her new boyfriend, yet even though everything is so perfect between us and we always loved each other...its over because of this stupid situation. and me being too sweet and not having cut her off earlier (i knew if i didnt have contact they´d break up.) but because we had contact she was able to live with him.

My question is, is there anything I can do to get a chance with her? I thought of cutting her off, even if i´d had to wait years, or be frinds, but not waste my time on her. She always goes to me. But it hurts so much, that this situation, and how unlucky i was, that if i had met her now, or if we hadn´t officially dated then we´d still have the spark between us and could had been together now. She also say she doesnt feel like we´re ex bf/ex gf because nothing ever went wrong between us. It breaks my heart, and i dont want to be selfish. but i feel thats my issue that i wasn´t. And ive always tried my whole life to become he best boyfriend. Now i feel lost.

is there anything i can do to win her back, in some way by doing something?  to start on a fresh like i talked to her about?

ANSWER: James, she sounds like she suffers from low self-esteem. My guess is that her home life is similar to her relationship with her ex, so she was comfortable with the abusiveness that you described. I've seen women who watch their fathers abuse their mothers, and they simply found "that" to be the norm. It was how they built their perceptions of love. Even after they realize there is something much healthier, they find comfort in returning to the drama of an unstable relationship.

Now that she's single, honestly, give her time to learn to be happy without a man. This is the place in a person's development that MOST people mess up. They can't stand being alone, so they rush into a relationship instead of learning to be happy individuals. AND, because they rush, these are rarely well thought out relationships. Yet, due to their nature, the couples would rather be in a bad union than to be alone, so again, it spawns resentment and mistrust.

I can only recommend that you be a good friend. There's nothing wrong with telling her that you care and would have a relationship with her, should she choose to take that path in the future. But, go on with your life and let her experience her own existence without a man. A woman who can be happy living along and being alone will be a happy partner. However, a woman who needs a man to feel whole can never truly trust or love another.

So, give her time and friendship, and in the meantime, you should move on with your life.

Best of luck to you!

Suzi


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello Suzi, thank you for your reply. It made me realise what you pointed out about her family problems which she indeed has. Her dad is very controlling and dominant to her mom. Her parents really like me though and i´ve done a great deal using this to talk to them as they listen to me, which has benefited my ex gf when i was with her as they are not the best parents.

This also fits with what she told me about me being so sweet to her, which was why her ex bf was making her feel "equal" because of his mistakes and i made her feel like she wasn´t good enough to me. My ex gf is very much into music, and also made songs to me about "i dont deserve you" and how i was the only one always being there and being able to make her laugh and feel perfect.
Our short relationship was always perfect but just faded like the other times when i tried, because of her strong connection to her ex.

You´re also right about she needs to be alone. She told me this when i was with her a couple weeks ago to reuinite, thats its too early, and she doesnt want a relationship right now. she doesdnt even feel like shes single yet. And it hurts if i mentioned her ex.

She doesnt feel like we´re ex bf or gf as nothing went wrong. Its just the whole situation that made it the way things are now.

I tried thinking about your advice to be a friend, or a theuraput for her, and when i wasn´t there for her and told her she always complained to me. She got extremly angry just because of that little thing, showing me that shes so used to me being there. And being friends will only heal her, give her the rest and needs she has. And in the future some other random guy will come and obviously not be happy about me and her being so close or me and her touching each other irl so much. I know myself that i wont be able to accept some random guy never being able to be what i can do for her, just go and get her. And obviously like girls are, she´d defend him and 100% see me as a friend.

its unfortunate how her and me relates to each other because of how perfect we fit. Which is why we can never stop thinking of each other if we dont have contact...but i truly feel, that the fact me and her has now been in a relationship has ruined everything, because we didnt wait until now.

i should had been harsh and did like i did after she "brokeup" with me and tell her as long as her boyfriend is there im not. Yet its too late. and i also cannot bring back the magic or the sexual tension because we´ve already been there. Me being her friend is perfect for her, but i am being so hurt, because she cannot promise of course she´ll not find someone else. I am moving on with my life. And i have found someone else. Yet i just want all this work to not be for nothing and friendship is not for me. If so i´d had done so from the beginning.

So what I´m thinking of, is (one year ago before we got together), sending her a letter that she kept waiting and checking for several times a day and asking her parents for last year. Telling her like you said to me. How much i care for her. About all we´ve been together. How my relationship was with her and our good times, and tell her that i will keep my promise i gave her when we got together. that if she breaks up with her bf i´ll be there for her. But now that she has. not as a friend. We both deserve better.

I feel i should had done this a year ago and all would had been perfect now. But i messed it up. Your advice was excellent and made so many realisations for me. The only thing is i know i´m true about things would had been perfect. Her mum also told me i got the "prize" after all i fought for.

I know me being a friend is not what i want, nor can it lead to anything...Maybe if i get distance to her, or she finds someone else. And we meet later in life things can work out, our magic can come back.

But what options do I have to make this happen between us that should had happened when we first met? In all the time ive known her everything has been perfect and we loved each other. Only thing that i fought against was her bf who she was stronger attached to and abused by. Now thats shes single but ive already been with her. I lost the sexual tension the chemistry of bf/gf. I need to get it back. and i dont want to fight her or be a friend and see her be angry because i dont wanna be do a boyfriend job.

I just really want to know if me ebing a friend, giving her the stability she needs well get anywhere. From all my experience all that will happen is she´ll meet a new guy, it´ll be exciting. Boom they´ll be together. And i´m just the guy whos unlucky, made her strong. met her at the wrong time.

Theres a big diffrence between people you dont have anything together with or is just friends with, and people you potentially could see yourself be a partner with. And we have already been official partners.



So is it better i cut her off, and write her my letter and keep it that way to things are difrent one day or time has gone by and talk to her again? Or is it better i stay as a friend? I mean as in me having a chance of being in a relatinship with her. Because i am not at all interrested in friendship and i´d rather cut her off and never talk to her again even if its going to break her.

I care too much and wanan do too much that friend limits are in the way.

What can i do to make this happen? Stay friend like you said, give her time and stability but maybe not being too cose with her, just doing my life, and then in time. maybe get closer again? or stay super close friends being friendzoned or cut her off, explain to her like you said i wanna be with her. and thanks for everything etc. or what options do i got?

Also one last really important thing she has said is she barely remembers much. She told me she tried her best to forget me, close our relationship off because its just been hurting so much. And she also feels shes hurt me so much thats why she tried to forget me.

Im sorry this is so long. You gave the best advice ive ever gotten. And i really hope you can tell me what i can do regarding having a relationship with her. As i cannot accept being a friend forever. its too much of a step backwards. And its tearing on me.

Sincerely James.

Answer
I'm glad I could help.

If it were me, I'd probably cut her off completely. She is using you as a distraction, which keeps her from dealing with the real problem. If I were you, I would tell her that she seems to be comfortable with people mistreating her, and you feel she needs to deal with that. She needs to raise her standards for herself.

Explain that you will always be there for her, but you will also always be honest. If she comes to you, you won't sugar coat answers to her problems, nor will you be the answer to her problem. THAT simply isn't fair to you.

Nor is it fair for her to continue to dangle hope in front of your face, and that is why you are going to part ways with her - while still being there should she need you - but only in a platonic way.

Ok. That said, I would part ways and try to move on with your life. She has issues, and it's not your job to fix them. As a matter of fact, James, you cannot fix them. Only she can. So move on and find yourself a hobby or another girl, something to get your mind in the right place.

And BE a role model for this girl by raising your standards for YOURSELF. Don't ever allow someone to make you feel like you are just a fling, a side romance, a shoulder to cry on. YOU DESERVE BETTER. You deserve a commitment.

I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well, so that's all I have for right now. I hope this is also useful, and I wish you the very best!

Suzi

Teen Dating Issues

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Suzi Zimmerman

Expertise

I am a teacher and I write books on teen dating, self-esteem, and values. I can answer questions on making healthy choices, self-improvement, liking yourself, relationships and friendships, goal-setting, values, and how to handle making difficult choices.

Experience

Today 1 in 5 sexually active people has HPV (linked to cancer and genital warts) and 1 in 4 has Herpes. 90% of girls who do NOT use condoms become pregnant each year, and AIDS cases are on the rise. Those who do not have sex will not have to deal with these issues, nor will 99% of those who use condoms correctly and consistently. In short, abstain from sex or use condoms - and use them correctly. Parents of adolescent and teen girls should research Gardasil, a vaccine against many forms of HPV. You may not think your daughter will be sexually active, but this will also offer her certain health protection in the event of rape - or should she become sexually active.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.