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Expert: Dan Date: 8/21/2007 Subject: my 12 year old
Question My daughter turned twelve in July. She was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes in December 2005. I have noticed some subtle behavioral differences in her (but then, she has always been headstrong and stubborn... so maybe she hasn't changed much at all, maybe those are just her traits becoming more defined as she grows up). She stays at home with my mom (who lives across the street) when I am working. My mom has allowed her to go to my house unattended and play on the internet. I wasn't comfortable with that, and I asked them both to honor my rules and not continue but they have anyway. My daughter likes to visit "cheat sites", where she can get cheats for her video games. I'm sure that is probably where she ran across her first pornography banner. No doubt, it was innocent enough in the beginning. A week and a half ago I sat down to work at my computer and found (on her profile, which I check from time to time but have not in the last couple of months) a minimized internet explorer window which was loaded with pornographic images, video, and sound waves. I also noted that my computer was infected with over 100 spyware programs and 8 viruses. I cleaned up the computer and told my daughter to stay off of it until I was able to locate a reliable filter program and changed the password. My mom then gave my daughter the password without my knowledge, and when I sat down to work at the computer, I immediately noted that I was re-infected with spyware and several new viruses. I checked my daughter's internet history and was appalled to find that she has been visiting porn sites - every type of offensive pornography you can imagine. I am disgusted with myself for not preventing my daughter from seeing such smut, and am afraid that viewing such graphic images will alter her view of intimacy from now on - into dating and even later, into marriage. I believe that sex is intended for adults whom are wise enough to decide if they are ready to enter into a physical relationship, but never for children, because they are simply too immature to understand the risks - both physical and emotional. When I approached my daughter and let her know that I checked her web history and was very disappointed with the content I found, she was silent. She did not immediately begin defending herself... instead, she hung her head. I know that was as close to an admission of guilt that I'll get from her. I love my little girl and I don't want her to be permanently damaged by the things the manufacturers of those websites have tried to burn into her brain... what can I do to help her forget, to move forward, to view sex and intimacy as the adult gift that it is, and not move too quickly in a direction that could bring her harm? Should I discuss it with her more in depth when I get home? Should I let the subject drop now that she knows I know? I feel as if the rules in my home have been disregarded by my mother and daughter, and while I don't want to be viewed as the "supreme dictator" I also feel it is important for my daughter to know that I am not a pushover.
Can you offer me any advice at all? What should I do now? (I hope this letter was clear... I'm a little spastic today...)
Answer Hi,
It's important to have a parental control on your computer and make sure no one besides you know the password. I would also recommend a spyware scanner, adware scanner, virus scanner, and trojan scanner, as well as a firewall. Scan often and always keep them up to date. I recommend to make sure those scanners are known and approved by a well known and respected company. I recommend Cnet for reviews on them. I don't know which antivirus company you use, yet scan often. I also recommend once a week to use an online virus scanner like antivirus.com. If you use Trend on your computer, use another known and respected online antivirus scanner. To keep your computer in top shape, takes work. If you have had viruses, make sure your accounts are all safe. I recommend to update your passwords often.
For more information about computer safety contact our Computer safety area.
Our Parenting Teen area can offer you tips on the above with your daughter. If an adult is giving a child porn, it may be illegal.
I don't know exactly how far it went, yet you may want to have a family psychologist speak to your daughter at this age.
I also recommend Parenting Teen expert James Windell. Let him know I recommended him. His website is:
