AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question I am the mother of a 16 year old boy. He loves looking at porno. He has started cursing all the time. He has exposed him at school. What can I do to stop this behavior and make him understand that he needs to respect himself and others?
Answer Hey there Mary,
A lot of boys look at porn when they are growing up through their adolescence and usually, it is used as a sort of pre-cursor to sex education, in the sense that it is where boys learn most about a woman's anatomy and what they sexually look for in someone. There can be problems however, when porn causes irrational behaviour or a young person to lock themselves away and become socially withdrawn. Porn can also lead to a change in attitude towards women and a decrease in respect for them because of what the pictures in porn portray.
Exposing himself at school is not positive behaviour and I do not necessarily think that it is the pornography that has caused him to do this; although it may have done. Maybe his behaviour is more to do with him trying to impress people and less of him trying to cause offense.
Chances are, if he has been reprimanded at home and at school, then he has learnt his lesson and will probably not do it again. If he has not been told that this behaviour is wrong, then he may well continue. It is important that he understands the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, but also, that it is not appropriate for him to behave like this.
As his mother, you have to be careful how you address this issue to save both your blushes and his own. He is a growing adult and you will not want you to ask questions he feels are awkward, but also, as his mother, he has to explain why he is behaving the way he is.
I think you and he should talk when there is no-one else around and you should sit him down and treat him like an adult. Say something like:
'You know that I am not happy with what you did at school, but do you know why I am unhappy with what you did? I am unhappy because if you are not careful you are going to lose the respect of your friends and become the butt of all the jokes. I care a great deal about you and you are my son and I love you, but if you are doing things like this, I cannot stop people from thinking what they are thinking about you...this is something that you can only control. I understand and respect that you are growing up and developing but that also means that you have to start taking some responsibility for your actions and if you are doing this now, what will you do next? You are an adult, you are a young man, perhaps it is time you started acting like this'.
This shows him that you are not happy with what he has done, gives him an opportunity to explain himself, shows that you care about him but that also, his behaviour will affect what his friends think about him...which is something that will hit home and hit home hard. Having spoken to him about this, you shouldn't need to hit this message home again and his behaviour should subside.
