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About Daryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology
Expertise
As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience
I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
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You are here: Experts > Teens > Teen Advice > Teenage Problems > Should my parents get a divorce?
Expert: Daryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology
Date: 10/9/2008
Subject: Should my parents get a divorce?
Question
Ok so ill start at the beggining have you seen the movie his mine and ours? well i have a family like that. but my dad had 2 kids, my mom had 1, they came together and had 4. im the 5th one. (oh and 3 r grown and out the house)And well so my parents are old! (my mom is 47 my dad will b 51 on halloween) and well they are all tired out. but we found out a few months ago that my dad has been cheating on my mom. we dont know 4 how long but now that my mom knows it s=been driving her crazy. not only that but that he was spending all his money on his GF and her son. and now he STILL has no $$$ and so my mom is stuck with all the bills and she works at continental and makes barely enough for food. So ive been needing new clothes since 6th grade, we have to pay school clothes, and the hurricaane set us back even more! And all this stress is on my mom and she cant take it! One day i found her in her room naked sitting in front of the bathtub and she said that her heart started beating so fast she couldnt bear it so she stepped out and sat down. (we went to the doc and he said she had a small-med stroke.) and then the next day she had a SEVERE nose bleed (it lasted about 7min) and blood just GURSHED out over and over again! So i dont know how much she or i can take. Plus we always have family disputes but ours end up like 5x what they are! So should my parents get a divorce???
Answer
Hey there Amanda,
I am sorry to hear that things are tough for you and your mom at home at the minute, but things will get better as long as you support each other. It is going to get harder before it gets easier and regardless of any decisions your parents make, it is important that you remember, they both still love you and will always love you, even if, for whatever reason, they don't love each other. Secondly, you have to be make sure that you, yourself are coping before you try and help your mom. Remember, there is only so much that you can do and so much that your parents have to do themselves; so by all means, be helpful, but try and not get dragged into the politics of their relationship (even if they try and get you involved) because you will only end up getting hurt and have to choose sides.
What your dad has done (for whatever reason he has), is effectively broken your mom's trust and basically disrespected their relationship. Whenever trust is broken in a relationship, especially one that has been working so well for so long, it can have a devastating effect on those involved. You are left with a sense of 'why me' and 'what have I done wrong', as well as a lot of unanswered questions to which you may never get the answer. Because of all this, we withdraw from society and tend to lock ourselves away; thinking we are protecting ourselves from getting hurt further. It takes a great deal of time to get our heads round why our trust has been broken and therefore, it takes a longer time for us to think logically about what we need to do. It becomes even more complicated when young people are involved and there is a family involved because divorce is not always the easiest option. Put simply, your mom has gone into shock and she needs some support to come through it.
Should your parents get a divorce? Well that's something only they can decide and it depends upon a whole range of issues. For example, what does your dad want to do? Does he still want to be part of your family? Financially, what is going to happen? Can your mom and dad reach an agreement amicably? What will happen with the house etc? So there are a lot of things they need to discuss but I don't think this will be possible until your mom is in a better state of mind...otherwise, things will just go straight over her head and she will end up losing out.
I think your mom needs some social support and it is important that if you can, you get her out of the house and being socially active; get friends and family to come and visit and offer to go the store with her and keep her company. Help her by talking to her and encouraging her to seek help if she needs it from the doctor. Other than that, try and make sure that you can do practical things to help the house run smoothly. But remember, there is only so much that you can do yourself and if you are struggling to cope, then you yourself may benefit from talking to someone outside the family about this.
In terms of the disputes, stay out of them if you can and if they start whilst you are there, leave the room or you will get dragged into it. Disputes should begin to become less frequent as your parents end up with less and less things to say, so again, its just about hanging on and holding it out.
Its not going to be easy I know, but it may help you to know that you are not on your own in being in a situation like this, there's a lot of people out there whose parents are going through a tough time. So don't feel like you are alone, you're not.
I hope that helps.
Good Luck.
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