AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question I seem to be a little bit on the over protective side with our 18 year old son. He's our only child. Ever since he has turned 18 years old,he has become another person....my husband and I do not think he does anything bad, or do drugs or smoke or drink, but he constantly needs to be with his friends. Every weekend he sleeps over his friends house along with some other of his friends. These kids are all in the same grade (seniors) at the high school and they've all known each other since elementary school. The point being...once our son turned 18, he got an earring...then he cut his hair like "Beckham" and he is such a talented soccer player, and has been playing soccer in club teams ever since 8 years old....he is so talented....my husband got him into a very elite soccer club ( they play at college level)but our son,"Marko" never quite showed the coach what he's made of and so was not able to fully get on the team...he was only in training...and from that point on will have determined how much he was willing to be a full pledged soccer player. He started complaining of his foot hurting...we took him to the ortho doctor..he went thru physical therapy and all...finally, he was cleared to return to soccer playing...on his way to soccer training after almost 4 mos. of no soccer playing, he decided he did not want to be on this team. He does not realize his talent. That has really angered us and devastated us, because he is not doing soccer at all now, although he keeps saying he will go back to his former soccer team....anyway to make a long story short, he is always with his friends...he always has to have someone with him (ever since a little boy)...he goes snowboarding almost every weekend with his buddies. He is a good kid but it upsets us that he cannot stay home for more than an hour without being with a friend. I find myself questioning him over and over again....I call him so many times to find out who he's with and what he's doing...he's always saying to me," I am not 12 years old anymore"...you can't baby me all the time...it's my fault for telling you the truth.....I don't know if I am like that because I am overbearing or because my parents were strict with me. My husband is allot more understanding than I am...but I can't help it. I am so worried that he'll do the wrong thing, and that he has no dream to follow...he has no motivation. Of course it is our fault for giving him money for gas and giving him money to get something to eat while out with his friends, but we don't want him to be upset with us...I know that this is totally wrong. He is very choosy with finding a job....one job is too this, and the other is too that!! Last year he broke up with a girl that we thought the world of...she was an honor student, she was pretty, she was so well rounded, and we loved her family. He went with her for over a year, then they broke up....he then started going out with a freshmnan ( high school) who was very mature looking for her age, but that lasted for only 6 mos.because as he put it, she was too immature! Now he seems to always be with his buddies....after school, on weekends....we don't ever see him anymore. College will be starting in the fall and he's not totally motivated for college either, although he claims he wants to go to college. Marko is very good looking, he loves us very much I know, he loves his aunts and uncles and cousins but he never wants to go to any family affairs, because this is cutting in to his social time. We just wish he would be a little motivated to do something with his soccer or get going on his college stuff, etc.....am I being too overbearing or what....what do I do...how do I talk to him to make him listen to me without blowing me off all the time? I am so distraught!
I know I am all over the place with my questions but I am so frustrated right now that I can't even think straight.
I just want to know if Marko is a "normal" teenager or is it because we've spoiled him a little too much, and because he feels we push him for soccer so much? We just don't want that talent of his to go wasted. He is unbelievable...if he only gave it his best, he could be a professional ...if he only had some ambition or motivation.
Answer Hello there Olga,
Thank you for writing to me and sharing your concerns and let me reassure you that Marko is a normal teenager and what's more, you are just a normal, caring mother.
It is understandable as a parent that you want to give your son all the best opportunities in life and that you want him to fulfill his dreams. Parents who have not achieved their dreams in their childhood or been able to reach their peak often respond by ensuring that their children have the opportunities that they themselves never had: this is just how parenting works and it sounds to me like you are doing nothing but giving Marko the opportunity to be the best that he can be and therefore, get the best out of himself and his potential.
I also understand that it is frustrating when your son, whom you love and worry about, seemingly has time for everyone else but you and your family. This means that you worry about him and even when you're around other members of the family, you are thinking about what he is up to and where he is, but what's more, why he doesn't want to spend time with the family. But Marko is growing up to become a man: and he is, in every sense of the word an 'adult. That doesn't mean that he doesn't or won't need you, it just means that he is now exploring the world and enjoying the novelty of not having to worry about anything.
Teenagers by nature, tend to separate themselves from their families by spending more and more time alone or with their friends; and this is because if they never leave the circle that they know, how can they possibly develop into social beings? It is not a bad reflection on you as a parent, or your family as a family, it is just, that at this moment in his life, Marko may not realise the value of having such a supportive family behind him...but he will in the future.
He is a growing man and wants to have his freedom and it could be that because you do worry so much about him, he feels he cannot get this if he is at home, so has to go elsewhere. But you have to be careful that, no matter how good your intentions are, you do allow him to develop and make his own mistakes by not quizzing him when he comes in the door or asking probing questions, but instead, you ask him if he is OK and leave it at that.
You know your son and he sounds like a good kid and if you don't think he'll get into any trouble, then he probably won't. He sounds bright enough to stay away from those who cause trouble and although inevitabley, he may bump into the wrong person, his friends will keep him safe and take care of him. You are not going to be around to protect him forever and you do not want him growing older resenting you for pressuring him too much about his life, so it is important that you find the balance of protecting him and being there, but also, being distant as a parent so that he can talk to you. If you're too full on and he does have a problem, chances are he will not come to you because he will be worried he will get a lecture.
It is natural for you to worry about Marko and you always will, your his mom and that's what mom's do, but put some distance between you and him, so that he can live his and you can live yours and both can come together when you need to.
If Marko needs to be with his buddies that is fine, let him go out and just make sure you know where he is and have a contact number for him to contact you and he has a way of getting in touch with you in case anything happens. If he's stopping over at a friend's house, ask him to just give you a call to let you know he's there and that he's safe, don't call him, wait for him to call you. When he comes in, just ask him if he's had a good time and that he's OK and then carry on what you are doing and appear not to care too much. Doing this will show him that you do respect the fact that he is not 12 anymore and it will show him that you recognise that you need to give him some space.
I agree that Marko should attend some, but not all family events, but he will only do this if he feels comfortable; so if you are planning something, try to make sure there are going to people his age and if not, ask him to invite his buddies along for company. This way, he will have someone to talk to at the event and will not feel like he has to make conversation with anyone he may not know or have anything in common with. The thing is with getting him to come along is to take him to one side a couple of weeks in advanced and say something like:
'Marko, we have this family event coming up and I would appreciate it if you could come. I know that you are not keen on coming to this sort of thing but as a family we would appreciate it if you came: there will be people there your age so you will have someone to talk to or you can bring your friends. If you don't want to come that's fine, but all I am asking is for you to come to this one event and then you can spend the rest of your time with your friends'.
The trick is not to guilt him in to going but to make sure he understands the importance of going along and that he understands he does have a choice. If he chooses not to go, so be it, go along with the other members of the family and just let him know about the time you had when you came back and what he missed. Forcing him to go will only make everyone have a miserable time and it's not fair on anyone.
I also understand you wanting the best for Marko with his soccer and at college; but again, these are things you can only encourage but cannot control. You can provide the means for him to do well at soccer and to succeed but if he doesn't want to, he won't. You can only get him involved in college and helping him settle in, if he doesn't want to stay, he won't. I know you only want the best for him but if you push him too much towards something, he will only turn his back on it and go completely the opposite way. Gentle encouragement may help him...for example, find out if the college he is going to attend has a soccer school or soccer training and just say something like:
'I've been doing some reading and did you know...?'
This will show him something about the benefit of going to college but also keeping his hobby and talent going.
It is easy to point out mistakes before they happen but if someone tries to do this for you, you don't listen and end up making a bigger mess than if you'd not been told anything; what's more, he won't learn how to recover from any mistakes he makes in life, which will make things difficult when he gets older.
Marko sounds like a great kid and you have done a good job raising him so far; but your involvement now should be as a more distant parent supporting him from the sidelines, opposed to running to the goal with him hand in hand.
There is no guide to parenting and at the end of the day, you can only do your best, that is all that anyone can ask of you...but that's all that anyone can ask of Marko too and as long as he is happy and healthy, what more do you really want for him?
