AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
I'm 19 living in England and sometimes I feel so suicidal because of my mother. She drives me crazy by being stupidly overprotective and very controlling. She's not even my real mother; she adopted me from her brother and his wife (my biological father and mother) to help him out because they couldn't afford to have another baby (they live in a poor area in the Philippines). She grew up in the Philippines herself with a very strict upbringing, and I think she's trying to enforce that on me. But I hate it because her ideas are so old-fashioned and they don't fit in with what growing up is like in today's modern world.
At 16 I had a 9pm curfew. As I reached 18 it moved to 11pm and it's still the same now that I'm 19. I feel really frustrated because NONE of my friends have stupid curfews like that. She wouldn't let me hang out with my friends in the park once; she saw this as anti-social behaviour and banned me from seeing my friends just 'cause "they hang out on the streets". So because of that I resorted to lying to her which gave me the freedom I wanted but I lost her trust in me. Now she follows me around in her car just to make sure I go where I say I'm going. Which is my fault I guess because I have lied to her so many times in the past so I could have the same freedom as my friends had. At 19 though it pisses me off to have her constantly check where I am, even though I've promised her that I won't lie to her anymore as long as she lets me go where I want.
When I was 17 I started seeing a 21 year old guy and I didn't tell her about it because I knew she wouldn't have liked it. She found out in the end by reading my diary (I hated her for it) and she went totally mental at me. Eventually she calmed down and started to accept him, but she still made me come home at 11pm and insisted that she phoned me every time I was out with him.
The guy I was seeing was really understanding about her manic mental state ('cause she'd go into massive stress attacks and wind herself up about things that upset her a long time ago and blame the whole thing on me), so I was grateful to him for that, and we had a loving, deep relationship that lasted over a year.
Until he dumped me last week... His reasons were that he felt I was too young for him, and I quote: "because if I wanted us to go away for a weekend together we couldn't 'cause of your mum". And that he'd be leaving uni soon whereas I'll only be starting this year. I felt that it was mostly 'cause of my mum putting pressure on him to be the perfect boyfriend, and I resent her for that because if she hadn't pressured him then maybe my ex and I could have been together for longer.
Now she doesn't want me to go anywhere near him or his friends (which are my friends too because I knew them before we went out together) and she threatens me that she'll kick me out of the house if she catches me communicating with him or my friends. Which to me is really unreasonable. She thinks he was only in it for sex but that's not true at all because I know him better than she does and he's not like that.
I'm over the whole crying-over-him stage now and I just want to be friends with him, but I can't because I know that my mum won't be happy if she finds out. I really want to move out, and have done since I was 14 but I have no money to support me. We argue at least once a day, and I'm getting really really sick of it. I don't know how to act with her anymore 'cause it seems nothing I say or do will change how she tries to control me.
Please help!?
Thanks....
Answer Hey there Mary,
Thank you for taking the time to write to me and share with me, what I know (from experience) must be a difficult and frustrating time for you, especially when it seems like your mum is being incredibly unreasonable to you.
Firstly, Mary, I know things are difficult and that the pressure you are under to be 'the perfect daughter' must be immense, but no matter how hard things get, how down you feel, or how upset you get, there are ways and means to get you sorted but suicide is not one of them and it is not something you should be considering when you have the whole of your life ahead of you.
Your mum does seem a big problem and very restrictive; you can only grow up by making your own friends, living your own life and making your own mistakes, but it looks like you are not allowed to do any of these. I think you hit the nail on the head when you have said this is probably because of her own upbringing. In her mind, she probably thinks that she is trying to protect you and look out for you, by shielding you from temptation to stray down a path that she feels is not good for you. From her own upbrining, she has learnt that to be a good person, you must have a strict upbringing; but I agree with you, that this is an unfashionable and traditional view. It is important though, that blood relation or not, horrible and possessibe, this woman is still your parent and in her own stupid way is trying to protect you. I don't agree with the way she is behaving, but I think it is important that you try and understand this, as it could just be something that she does not see as being wrong but the only thing she knows.
Your mum should not be following you and she should trust you. If you have got through school, college and are off to Uni, you have done this all yourself and pushed yourself so that you have more than proved that you can do things on your own. Following you in a car at 19, telling you who you can and cannot see, is not just restrictive, it's bad for you. It will stop you from getting close to people and as you've found, may even stop them getting close to you. I think it is time that you told your mum that this behaviour is acceptable and that you will not stand for it. If you've said it before and she has not listened, tell her again, but this time, make sure she listens and if she threatens to throw you out, see if she follows through with it (she probably won't) and if she does, there are things you can do so that you do not need to go back home.
Tell her: 'Mum, I love you but you are suffocating me and rather than trying to help me, you are making my life hard and difficult. I am not happy living here at the minute and that is because of you. I cannot see my friends without you watching over me or dictating when I should be home. I am an adult yet you treat me like a child and hold me back. If you loved me and wanted to protect me, you would let me live my own life and make my own mistakes: if you don't, we will end up fighting and I will end up resenting you...is this what you want?'
You don't need to shout, you don't need to get cheeky, but just be honest about how you are feeling. If she threatens to throw you out then let her go through with it. Stop at a friend's for a couple of days and then look at your options.
Shelter Line is a Homeless Charity and they can offer you help and support about what happens in your area if you do become homeless. You can call them on: 0808 800 444 or visit them at www.shelter.org.uk. They will help you, regardless of whether or not you have money and can advise you about your options now and if you are thrown out.
You are an adult and it is time to make some adult decisions about what exactly you want and are prepared to put up with. You obviously do not enjoy living where you are living and if it is getting you down, then you have to make changes to get it sorted. This could mean working to get enough money for a deposit on a rented house, or putting your name on a council list for a property, or even, looking at the option of getting into University/College housing to get you away from home. But the question is, how long will you put up with it?
If you want a place of your own then you are going to have to work hard to get the money you need: so you will still have to stay at home in the short term. If you put your name on a council list, you may wait up to a year for a property, so you will still need to stay at home. But these are means to an end and you can count down until you get your freedom.
I think you could also benefit from talking to an online advisor at Connexions Direct (where I used to work) because they can explore all your options with you and ask you questions to get you the best information. You only have to give a username and an age and you talk to them as if you were talking through MSN or AOL Messenger and they can even send you links to websites that may help.
www.connexions-direct.co.uk
Mary, there is no immediate solution to your problem, but you are obviously not happy and a change needs to be made. If your mum cannot be told this and will not change her ways, then it is time to look at options that will stop you from being a prisoner. There is help and support out there as and when you need it, you are not alone, but people can only help you if you actively seek their help.
