AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question My best-friend and I are 16 years old. We have been friends since we were 4 and since then nothing has changed. We still play, and act like kids. So basically everything has been great and fun for the past 12 years, but recently my best-friend got a girl-friend. It seems like all she wants to do is have sex. My best-friend is a virgin. I feel like when he loses his virginity, everything is gonna change. Basically, I'm scared we can no longer be the innocent kids that we have been for years. I don't know how I should feel about this. Its happening so quickly. It seems like suddenly we have to grow up. I think I'm just scared of the change. I also kind of feel jealous that he is losing his virginity. I'm scared maybe hes going to leave me behind. Should I just accept all this change? Is it normal? How should I feel about it?
Answer Hey there Tom,
It is good that you and your friend have been in each other's lives for so long and that you are as close as you are; it is good to have some consistancy like that in your life, but inevitabley, there comes a time, when things may have to change.
You and your friend are getting older and you will start to make your way in the world and head towards your futures, so some things will have to change for this to happen; but that does not mean that life has to loose its fun or that you have to start taking yourself seriously.
Your friend is beginning to explore his sexuality and this means that he will begin dating; as inevitabley, will you. Relationships will come and go, but friendships are something that can last a lifetime and offer an escape from the hectic world of being in a relationship with someone. Just because he is going to have sex with someone, it does not mean that he is suddenly going to start ignoring you, pushing you away or hanging around with different people; in fact, little will change between you at all, but if you make a big deal out of this small issue you may push your friend away.
It is nice that you are protective of him and it is understandable that you do not want girls, sex or relationships to come between you, but as you get older, these things will become more and more part of each of your lives and friendships survive simply by understanding this.
You (and your friend) should not be in a rush to grow up and having sex is a big deal, but it is not the be all and end all, it is just part of life and something that we all eventually experience. Having sex is not about a competition nor about trying to keep up with your friends, it is about taking things slow and doing what you are happy with when you are ready to.
I think that you need to have a chat with your friend and talk this over with him. You don't need to have a massive in depth discussion about it, but what you can just say is 'you're my friend and we've been friends for years and I hope we will stay friends for years to come and I know, as we get older, it may become harder to see each other, with work and girls getting in the way, but I just want you to know I value your friendship and I don't want to lose it'.
You don't need to rehearse that speech or use those exact words but just let him know that you care for him and don't want to lose him and you will feel a lot better.
It's good to be concerned but put the shoe on the other foot and think about what he would be like if you had a girlfriend, would he feel the same? Probably. It is about being happy for him and letting him live his life and giving him the support of being a good friend. You've been good friends for so long, do you really think something like this will push him away?...it only will if you let it, so don't.
