AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question QUESTION: i have been bullied at school for the past 2 years. My 2 best friends have moved to a different school because of it and now i am left alone.my school is very small so i have no choice but to hang out with the bullies,these are not your conventional physical bullies they are backstabbing and leave me out alot.i really want to move schools because i have many friends at the other school and can take subject that i wasn't not only that its a 5 minute walk from my house instead of a half hour trip. this is really taking a mental toll on me and its affecting my school work. Unfortunatly my parents dont understand and dont think there is a problem. I honestly cannot go on everyday having to deal with this.
What do i do?
16, New Zealand
ANSWER: Hey there Aj,
Thank you for taking the time to write to me and I am sorry that you are having such a tough time at school at the minute.
As you are finding out, there is more to bullying that just what most people think and it is as much as about psychology and manipulation, as it is about physically hitting you. Bullying takes many forms but it also includes things like purposefully leaving you out of an event or discussion; ignoring you or calling you names etc. Sometimes, this type of bullying is the worst because people don't understand how damaging it can be to a person and their self-esteem. Left unaddressed, bullying can become more a problem than just at school and it may affect your ability to achieve in the future...so it is that serious that it needs addressing.
The problem with bullying is that people often don't want to seem to either make things worse of be kicking up a fuss; or they often think it will go away by itself...it won't. You should not have to be at the point where you want to move schools before the school intervenes and does something; you have a right, by law, to be in education and to be in an environment that is positive and healthy...being bullied is not.
Anything that affects your health or well-being, psychological or phsyical needs to be stopped if it is having a negative effect on you. This starts by telling someone, anyone, and then, taking appropriate action to get it stopped. Bullying only stops when people recognise and identify that there is a problem and that it is serious...they can only know this if you tell them.
It is obviously taking its toll on you and making you feel down and sad and it is completely understandable; no-one likes being bullied or feeling on their own...and that is why schools have a zero tolerance on bullying of any kind.
I think one of the things you should consider is telling someone at school; telling a teacher, the principal, the nurse of someone whom can help and asking them if they can talk to someone on your behalf. For example, if you talk to a teacher you trust and ask them to speak either to your parents or to these pupils in question, you are getting help, indirectly.
I think it is important that your parents realise the severity of this issue and that they take an active role in getting involved and getting this addressed. It makes sense therefore, that if possible, you do talk to the principal of your school and ask him to contact them directly.
You may want to start to keep a diary of what happens and when and by who; no matter how seemingly small or insignificant, write it down. Then, go and show this to an adult at the school that can help and if they don't want to, or won't, go to the next person up in authority...don't be afraid...you've done nothing wrong and legally, the school has a right to protect you.
A lot of young people think it is easier to put up with bullying and to keep quiet about it; but your school days are supposed to be the most enjoyable of your life, not a cause for sadness or worry. Bullying is a serious issue and does need to be addressed, but I also understand how worried and concerned you must be about wanting to tell someone...
The thing to remember is that once you have told someone, if anything else does happen, they are already aware of a problem and can intervene straight away. If you don't tell them and something happens, say they get physical, then they will not know what has happened or who was responsible. This will not go away by itself.
I have found a useful, plain to read site about Bullying in NZ that may be able to help. It is aimed at those younger than you but the advice on it mirrors what I have said and what others will tell you. There is also a contact number for you to contact them to see if they can help, in confidence, so that you realise that you are not on your own with this issue.
The thing is Aj, ask yourself this question...at this moment at time, at school, are you happy? If not, then it's time to make a change, but only you can get the ball rolling.
Take care and good luck!
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: i went to the director a couple of weeks ago,He had no idea about any of this my parents were there also as i told them it was subject related. nothing was done. not that i wanted anything done as it would just make it worse.
what would they be able to do anyway?
how do i possibly manage to get my parents to change schools?
aj
Answer Aj,
If, after talking to the director and with your parents being informed, nothing has been done, your only other option would be to go to the Police...but as you don't want to 'make things worse' you probably won't want to do this.
If, knowing that you are being bullied and that the school is not doing anything about it you parents are still not getting involved; your only other option is to sit them down and tell them that you want to change schools because you have had enough. Be mature, give them reasons, do some research about other possible schools and how things would work, but you have to remember that they will have commitments to keep and it is not just as simple as moving you to a school which could be miles away.
If your parents won't allow you to move and you do not want to take this any higher, then it is going to have to be a case of just putting up with it for the time being...but the problem remains, even if you moved schools and you got bullied there, then what would you do? Move schools again? then again? What happens when you begin to work if you get bullied then, are you going to be chased out of your job?
Bullying should not be tolerated or experienced by anyone and violence is not the answer to solving a problem; but neither is running away. If this is so much of an issue then you will get this sorted...but tiptoeing around is not going to solve your problem.
I want you to be happy and to enjoy your schooling, but I also need you to understand that problems won't just go away and sometimes there are times when we just have to grin and bear it and look forward to the future...
