AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question My son, 18 years old, freshman in college meets this girl who lives across the hall from him in his dorm. She tells him when they meet that she has bone cancer and that not only is it a re-occuring cancer, but that she needs surgery or she will die. Ironically, my son has 2 family members very sick with cancer and I am sure he told her about them when they first met. To make a long story short, she told him in September about her cancer and said her surgery was scheduled on January 4th. Because I could tell he really started to care for her, I contacted her family to offer my best wishes for her surgery and asked what hospital she would be staying in. Her mom answered the phone and when I started talking about her daughter's cancer, she asked me if I was kidding? It appears her daughter doesn't have cancer, and never has had cancer. She made up this elaborate story and had my son for 4 months thinking she was dying. My problem is that when I caught her in this lie, she told my son that an ex-boyfriend made her lie about the cancer or he would beat her up. Her fear of her ex-boyfriend caused her to lie and continue the lie for several months. I mean she showed him pills she was taking for the pain, told him the name of the doctor she was seeing and even went as far as spending time at our home sitting next to 2 of our family members sick with cancer. My problem is my son. He's forgiven her for her "mistake" and wants us to forgive her. I say she's a sociopath and what she did is never to be forgiven. My son and I are fighting all the time over this and we hardly speak anymore because she's manipulated him into thinking she just made a little mistake. WHAT CAN OR SHOULD I DO?
Answer Hey there Maureen,
I am sorry to hear that you having trouble with this girl and your son at the minute and I hope that I can offer some sort of advice.
I am in agreement with you about the severity of this girl's actions; pushed or not, lying about cancer and then maintaining the lie to get sympathy is not right or fair. It is, in every sense, emotional blackmail and especially because you and your family have experienced cancer so close to home, it is especially cruel that she would try and use this to keep your son interested. It does lead to a lot of questions, namely, even if it was her ex-boyfriend that made her lie about this...why did she keep up the charade when they had finished? Even if he was threatening her, she must have known that what she was doing was wrong and that there were things she could do to stop him having contact with her. She does sound like a 'live wire' and she needs to be watched and closely.
The problem is though Maureen, that no matter how good natured your intentions, if you are not careful, you are going to end up becoming the enemy in all of this when you are clearly just trying to protect your son. The more people have an input about what he should do regarding this girl, the more she can use it as an 'us against the world' scenario, which in essence, will push them closer together and push out anyone else. Agree or not, for the moment, this girl is part of your son's life and rather have her where you can see her and be involved, than have him and her in the shadows where she may tighten her grip.
I think it is important that you and your son mend your bridges and stop this fighting; which may mean that you have to put aside or dampen your reservations for the time being. I think it is important that you and he spend some time just the two of you and I think it is important that you talk about this. Try and not to lecture him or he will switch off and avoid using things like 'she's not right for you', 'you can do better' or anything else that casts her in a bad light. Tell him that you were disappointed in her lying about something that is so close to home and that it angered and disappointed you; but your only concern was for your son at all times. Tell him that you love him and you'll stand by him if he wants to continue to see this girl, but as long as he remains in contact with you and lets you know what is happening. Ask him how he feels about this whole thing and whether or not he realised what she was doing...
By opening a dialogue like this, without shouting, just mom and son, you are going to get to the bottom of what you both are feeling but also, come to some agreement about the role she will play in his life. It is easy for you to point out all of her faults, but, in reality, your son may not listen. The easiest thing you can do is to support him (you don't have to support her) and just be there for him if he needs you. Your son is not stupid and he will eventually see the mistake for what it is and if she has lied on this magnitude once before, what other lies has she told or will she tell? It'll all come out in the future.
Supporting your son, even when you don't agree with her, shows your son you respect him and only want the best for him. It also shows this girl that she will not come between you and your son and that you will always be there for him.
Your main priority should be your son's happiness and if he is happy with this girl, then support him as much as you can: she'll slip up sooner or later. If you don't support him or show open resentment to her, it will only damage your relationship with your son and as I said before, you may not see or hear from him as much as you like.
It is natural to be protective and to try and get the best for him; but no-one likes to have their mistakes pointed out and this is one thing he is going to have to learn himself. It will be a hard and difficult lesson to learn, but he will never repeat it again if she hurts him and he will become a better person. It will also be a trying time for your patience and your ability of protecting your son, so all involved can come through this strong and closer than before.
