AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question My daughter, Mary, is 21 and about 2 1/2 hours away at college. She has always been a wonderful girl, who all admired mostly for her outgoing personality and continuous smile and laughter. Approximately, three months ago she met a boy at college that she has been seeing. He does not believe in drinking/partying, gets good grades and works full time. I know it sounds great...I thought so too until the first five minutes I met him. He is controlling and comes from an alcholic and divorced family. He has changed my daughter into someone no one recognizes. Her sister, who is also at college with her, as well as her roomates cannot stand this boy and are extremely worried about Mary. She does not go out with friends, because he calls her on the cell phone and calls her incredulous ugly names, basically playing head games with her until she leaves what she is doing and goes to him. She failed a couple of classes this semester and skips classes (This has never been a problem before). She has always been a very hard worker, enjoying the social aspect of it, and worked at least one if not two jobs. He does not want her to work, and therefore she has not in a couple of months. I can go on and on, but I assume you get the picture. Her father and I have tried talking to her to no avail; she simply says everything is fine or cries. Her sister and roommates have tried talking to her to no avail. We are so worried about her and are not sure which course as parents we should take that might make an impact on this situation. We've always had such a good and close relationship with her, but it's as if she is someone else right now. Please advise.
Answer Hey there Lauren,
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, but I've taken a couple of days to think about your situation and to think about the best cause of action that I think would do minimal damage to all concerned; and to be honest, you are not in an easy situation and if everything is not handled with tact and subtlty, you could end up pushing Mary closer to her boyfriend and that is not what you want nor need.
I know how frustrating it must be as parents to want your daughter back and to see her be the happy, outgoing self she used to be; and I also understand that it must be incredibly annoying that everything you and your family are trying are not seeming to have much of an impact on Mary's perspective of things, but deep down, from what you have told me, I think that Mary is not happy in her relationship and she knows that it is only going to end up in hurt...but she may just be scared.
This guy could be controlling her and becoming incredibly posessive of her, hence why he is holding her back from her friends and from meeting other people; and she may be scared that she makes a big deal out of what the family is saying about this guy, that he may make her stop seeing you altogether and this is not what you want nor she needs. The thing we need to try and understand is why she is still with him when she is obviously not happy.
As I mentioned before, it could be that she is scared. Maybe has threatened her with either saying he would come forward with some form of information that could get her in to trouble or maybe he has physically threatened her: guys that show a lot of control are usually posessive and territorial and this means pushing each and every other person out of the way in case they disagree. He could have scared her into a state of panic and she is worried that he is going to hurt her.
It could be that she scared of being on her own and if this guy started off really nice and sweet and she fell in love with him, then she is not going to want to see the bad things or hear them about him; no matter how true they are, because she only sees the good in him and doesn't want to admit that things are not all good at all. A lot of women adopt this blindness in their relationship so that they can keep on going, hoping things will settle down and be how they used to be; but they rarely do.
Mary could be worried about what would happen if she did stop seeing this guy, especially because if they are at the same college she would have to see him everyday and he does not sound like the sort of person to just let her leave. She could be staying with him because he has told her he may hurt himself if she leaves.
I am not suggesting for one minute that your daughter is stupid nor am I suggesting that this guy is dangerous, but what I am suggesting is that if you take a girl looking for love and support to a guy that smoothers her with it from the start, she is going to find it difficult to get away from him and may keep making excuses to be with him when she doesn't want to be. It could be that he has ruined her confidence and that she is worried she won't find someone else and fear of being single is a good motivation to keep the blinkers on and to just be with someone.
All in all, whatever Mary's motivations for staying with this guy, I do think it is important that she ends her relationship with him; but that she has to accept and make that decision herself. Otherwise, he will manipulate the situation and make everyone else out to be the bad guys.
I think the first thing the whole family can do (which it sounds like you are doing already) is to pull together and to stay in touch with her room mates and friends. The closer knit and tighter you all are, the more you can keep track on what is going on with Mary and this guy. It will also help you to identify opportunities to reassure your daughter that you love her and will support her no matter what she does and that her friends are all there for her.
I think it could be an idea to ask one of her college lecturers to have a word with her in private about her work to see if he/she can get any more information out of her. If Mary has been skipping classes, it will them an opportunity to talk to her about why she has been skipping classes and because this person is not linked to the family she may be more open and honest with them and take any advice they have to offer more so than if it came from friends or family.
Another thing you could consider doing is to invite this guy and your daughter to dinner: no matter what you think of him, if you have him in your house with your daughter, you can see them together and watch how they work. It provides a perfect opportunity for your husband/partner to check him out and for you to have words with your daughter in the kitchen. Being overly nice when you are so against someone is difficult but this way, you only come out of this looking supportive and if this guy disagrees, it could be this that opens your daughter's eyes.
I think it is important to maintain regular contact with your daughter too, but try and call her when you know she is going to be on her own and free to talk. You don't need to talk about this guy, but just ask her generally how she is doing, how things are going and let her know that you are there to talk and listen if needs be. If he isn't there, she is more likely to be more honest.
Finally, at the end of the day, daughter or not, all you and your family can do is to try and help Mary by making her feel loved and supported and giving her the encouragement she needs to leave this guy. She will have to make the decision herself and she will have to face the consequences the longer she leaves it, but your daughter does not sound like she is stupid just a little blinkered.
I know how frustrating it is, but as I said from the start, you don't want to run the risk of losing your close relationship with your daughter but at the same time, you don't want to see her change her life dramatically. What is needed is a balance, where opinion is sparce but love and support is plentiful...do this and she may eventually see him for the jerk that he is.
As a final thought, if you do suspect that anything untoward is going on, there is nothing to stop you asking the Police to talk to her and check her well being: I am sure they will be glad to help regardless of her age and again, this may serve the purpose of getting her to open her eyes.
I am sorry there is not more of a deffinate solution and I would like to wish you all the best luck in the world. It won't be easy, but I hope it's worth it in the end and you get your daughter back.
