AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
I am 18 years old and I still live with my father. I have been living with him for the past 2 and a half years , since my mom died. Me and my dad have never really had a good relationship. I only saw him everyother weekend when i was growing up and when my little brother was born, i saw him even less. When i moved in with him things were going good but now they are all going to he*l.
A year after moving in with him I decided that I wanted to work full time, i was going through a hard time dealing with not having my mom around and I wasnt doing well in school so i dropped out. I know it was a mistake but i am making up for it by doing coraspondance. Once i got a full time job my dad expected me to help with bills which i expected but i never thought it would resort to what it has become. In our two bedroom apartment we pay for Rent, Hydro, Internet, His cell, Smokes, His computer, My computer, and my cell phone. He works at the same place i do and is fully capable of paying most of these. Out of that list I pay: all the rent (300 dollars form each pay) My computer ( 163 once a month) Internet (60 dollars a month ... which he hasnt paid in 6 months) hydro (comes in every three months this bill is 564 dollars and guess who is paying for it ... ME!) I pay for my cell and he pays for smokes, his computer and his cell.
I told him a few weeks ago that i cant pay that much anymore as i am starting to save up for a trip that i am taking soon and then saving for a place of my own. And he completly ignored me and i am still paying for all this stuff.
By the end of each pay i get maby 100 dollars for the things i need, not what i want what i need, like female stuff and shampoo and stuff like that. He never keeps food in the house. We live above a convience store and he has knowen the owner for ever and he has a tab down there to buy stuff and he pays that off every pay. So we usually get our food down there (lovley eh?) I would go shopping for food but i dont have the money seeing he takes it all on me. The bill last pay was over 300 dollars. And i didnt even get him to get me much, its him and getting his pop everyday for work he drinks like 8 1L bottles of coke a day!
I just cant take it anymore, and his anger is also an issue, some days he is nice and happy (not often but some) and then others he is a complete as*hole. For exapmple today he asked me what i cook my grilled cheese on and i said 4 and he was like '' well you need to cook it on 2 cause when i wake up all i can smell is burnt shi* '' (He told me before to cook it on 4) i asked him to make up his mind, 2 or 4, he then mumbled something and i said fine i wont cook anything ill just starve and he replies '' that works'' and i was so upset i stormed out of the house. I need to get out before i snap i just dont know what to do anymore
I cry myself to sleep everynight because i am thinking it is my fault he is like this but i know deep inside that he is using me to pay all the bills and to do all the house work. My friends agree that he treats me like crap and that i have to move. I cant talk to him about this cause all he will do is yell or call me stupid or call me a moron like he normally does.
And just to add to all the stuff, i have been thinking latly that I might be pregnant. Which would make him even more pissed. I cant tell him thats why i want to move out then i will tell him, so im moved out and on my own then i will tell him. I am a very heavy set girl and my boyfriend says that i should be able to hide it. I am going to take a test this week so i will know for sure but if i am he is going to freak if he finds out. My boyfriend says he will be there with em and i believe him its my dad im worried about
I just .... dont know what to do anymore and I need some help. Please help me cause if i snap i know i am going to end up on the mental wing of the Hospital
Answer Hello there Alicia,
Thank you for writing to me and I am sorry that you are having such a hard time with everything at the moment: it seems like at the moment, from what you have told me, you are extremely unhappy and if things do not change soon, then you may become worse. But keep your chin up and keep smiling through it all because things will get sorted: it's just about getting them sorted in the right order.
Firstly, let me say well done for getting a job. It is a mature decision and even though you have dropped out of school, you have accepted responsiblity for buying the things you need and for providing for yourself: this is something that school does not teach you and something that you have learned yourself. So well done. I know it doesn't seem like it at the minute, but that job is going to help you a lot and get you to where you want to be.
I am sorry to hear about your mom; it is never easy losing a parent but especially when you are in the middle of your teens, around 16 etc; it can be a difficult time to deal with and to know how to cope. But all in all, you seem to be coping well and you have come through it even though it has not been easy. Living with your dad may not have been your choice and you may not enjoy it, but, for the meantime, you have a roof over your head and somewhere to plan your future safely...all be it if you are paying for it.
In terms of the bills and what you are paying: I agree with you, it is incredibly unreasonable for your dad to ask you to pay for the things that you do and rent especially should be split down the middle, as should any of the utility bills such as hydro and internet (if he uses it). Your pay is for you and you are only liable for what you use and what you consume and nothing else. If your dad is working, he has his own money to spend on himself and he should be able to pay for his own basic upkeep, which includes keeping a roof over his head. It almost seems like you have become the mother figure providing for him, and he has become a selfish child, capable of providing for himself but just not willing.
I think he thinks that you are trapped there and that there is little you can do to force him to pay for any of these things; but there is. Your money for your house and your trip needs to be saved and when you are working as many hours as you are, you should have enough money to live a life and not just have an existance. From your pay, less than a quarter should be on bills....because if more is going out, you may as well be working for nothing. Whilst your dad is working, he is earning and whilst he is in his house, he is responsible for contributing to the bills. You have two choices with how to deal with this:
You can firstly, bite your lip, keep working away, paying the bills and saving what you can until you have enough to get out of there. Or, you can take a tough line and make him pay for the things he uses and by doing this you can save yourself more money and be out quicker.
The way to handle this is to warn him that from now on, if he doesn't contribute half to the rent, then it doesn't get paid. You pay your half and leave him with half to pay. This way, if he doesn't pay it, he will stand to lose his property. This sounds a bit harsh and a bit unfair, but you will save most of your wages and by the time it comes to kick him out (if he lets it get that far; which he won't), you will have enough money to get a place of your own. Tell him plain and simply, your wages are for you and you will contribute half to everything but nothing more. If he values where he lives then he will begin to pay his way and he does end up getting final reminders and threats of being told to leave, it's not your problem anymore: he has the money, it's about time he used it.
In terms of things like food for work: buy what you eat and what you consume and set yourself a budget. If he wants his coke enough, he will buy it himself out of his own pocket and this will save you a couple of dollars. You shouldn't have to hide your food and I'm not expecting that you will, but from now on, stick to the bare essentials such as eggs, bread, cheese and pasta: if he wants anything else, he can pay for it. It may be worth asking the shop if you can set up your own separate tab for your food so that you are not paying off your dad's and again saving some money.
Above all and everything remember this: you don't need your dad, but he needs you and it is about time he realised that. It's not nice getting tough on people but sometimes when they get to the point where they are taking liberties and you are at the point that you are at, what else have you got to lose? If he becomes violent or tries to hit you, then you call 911 and you get the Police there straight away.
You also have to remember that you have done NOTHING to deserve being used as a bank or a cash point: there is more to you than the dollars in your wallet and your dad needs to see that but probably won't until you have left.
Your dad could be being a jerk as reaction to your mom dieing a couple of years ago: men are not the best at being open and honest with their emotions and sometimes, rather than just come out and say what they are feeling they will use their behaviour to show you that something is wrong. But even if this is the case, your dad needs to see a bereavement counsellor and should not be taking it out on you. Your mom dieing was a tragedy, but he cannot keep using you the way he is as a way of trying to cope: he needs to snap out of it and realise that you are something to be cherished and respected, not brushed aside and shouted at for grilling the cheese on the wrong setting. Whatever his reason for treating you the way he is, it is nothing to do with you and you need to get this idea out of your head that it is something that you have done: it’s not. You have done NOTHING wrong.
You need to have some focus in your life and you have it already but you just do not see it. Your focus should be that you want to be out of there as quickly as possible to begin a new chapter in your life. Begin to focus on the rainbow over the horizon and not the hell that you are in now and think about the good times ahead opposed to where you are now. It is difficult, I know from personal experience, but if you keep where you want to be in mind and just keep counting every day down, you will be amazed at how quickly that last day comes around. Start planning where you want to live and costing it up, so you know exactly how much money you are going to need etc and how things are going to work. This again, will give you focus and help you to make your dreams a reality. Save as much as you can and if your dad will not back down and stop pestering you, you have no legal obligation to give him the money anyway: and he won’t throw you out because he needs you.
I would also strongly recommend that if you do think that you are pregnant that you take a test. This will help to confirm whether or not you have additional things to think about when you are planning your move and whether or not there is any financial help you can get from the State towards looking after your child if you go on to have one. Taking a test will also help you to know for sure and then to plan: the last thing you want is to be giving birth where you are now, so you need to know dates etc.
I know it is difficult right now to see the future that is ahead of you, but see this as something to make you stronger and one of those times when you will look back and think ‘I don’t know how I managed’, because you will manage and you will get out of there and your dad will realise how much you do for him…it’s just a matter of riding the storm.
