AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question Hi,
I am 18 and a freshman in college in the US. I have recently began having doubts about my relationship with my boyfriend of 10 months. We've known each other a long time, we went to high school together and now go to college together. We've also dated once before.
For some reason I have a lot of trouble communicating with him. I know that communication is one of the foundations of a relationship, but every time I try to tell him something I can't get it out. I never tell him when he pisses me off, or hurts me, or upsets me. I have self esteem issues and I tend to withdraw when I get upset. He is the more dominating outgoing person. All of these things are building up and creating problems for me when I am with him. Lately, things feel more forced and awkward and I get angry with him easier.
I love him, I want to fix things, but I don't know how because I don't want to confront him with all the things that have been building up.
Also, I have recently been having thoughts of cheating on him with one of my friends I am attracted to. I hate this feeling, especially since I know I'm the cause of our relationship problems and then I'm debating hurting him by cheating on him. Sometimes I think I'm not meant to date anyone.
Answer Hello there Brooke,
I think that the problems with your relationship stem from the fact that you don't like confrontation because you can't articulate how you are really feeling and rather than get out what you want to say, end up keeping quiet because you are 'over ruled' by your boyfriend. What this means is that because you cannot explain to him that you are annoyed, he doesn't think that there is a problem, which in turn is annoying you more...this is something that can push you away and into the arms of someone else and could be one of the reasons that you are thinking of going into the arms of your friend...who seemingly understands you and who knows when something is wrong.
You are right, communication is key to a relationship and without it, it is difficult to build up trust. But you also have to remember that communication is not just a one way thing and this guy should be able to see and tell when you are unhappy even if you cannot put it into words. If he is doing something to annoy you and you are getting visibily upset or angry and he is not responding...would it make that much difference if you could put it into words?
Maybe one of the things you can do is to write a letter about how you are feeling and what is annoying you and put it somewhere where he can read it away from you: slip it in his jacket or his pants or somewhere that he cannot miss it. This way, you can get out exactly how you are feeling and he will have to acknowledge what is going on...it could just be that he doesn't know because he's not that aware of your emotions and difficulty of expression...or it could be that he just doesn't give you chance to get out what is wrong. In a letter, he cannot shout you down or not pay attention...he has to read it and if he doesn't, or if things do not change, then maybe it is time you looked elsewhere for someone who can recognise your needs and give you the love you deserve.
If you write him a letter, he reads it and he starts causing hell because he's not happy, then maybe it's not worth bothering with. If he reads it and nothing changes, maybe he's not worth bothering with. But if he reads it and is nice to you and appologises that he didn't know what was making you unhappy...then maybe he's worth hanging on to.
In situations like this we naturally feel the need to be close to people that do understand us and if there is some mutual attraction with your friend, then is there anything to stop you getting together if things with this guy does not work out?
Remember, relationships are two way, so is communication, you can only give so much before you need a little bit back and you can only recognise his needs before you need yours recognising too. It's not about confrontation, it's about being honest and if he doesn't want to change...do you really want to stay in this situation?
