AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question hi. im 14 and my parents split up when i was about 8 or 9. the arrangement started off as i would go to my dads house every other weekend and that was fine. then my dad met a new woman and married her when i was about 10. my mum wouldnt let me go to the wedding because it was abroad and she didnt like my dad and she had all the control. when i was about 11 my new stepmum got pregnant and had a baby. we were living in a 2 bedroom house so we had to mouve out of that to accomodate the baby. we moved into a 3 bedroom house with the possibility of converting the attic if another baby came along. i was still going every other weekend at this point and sometimes on a wednesday after school. i had mentioned to them a couple of times that i wanted to go round more often maybe even every other week so things would be fair and they seemed to think that idea was good but nothing was sorted out.
Answer Hey Tavvy,
If the arrangement is a formal one, set up via the courts, then you may need to get your dad and your mum to sign something to say that they are altering the arrangements of your visits. Or, it could just be that they have to reach a decision informally and just have to agree it with each other. Either way, what you will need to do is to get your dad to give you a deffinate answer about whether or not the new arrangement would work, but also how it would work and get him to give his full support and his permission.
You will need to make sure that if you are going to be over there more often that you do have a place of your own to sleep and work (especially if you are coming from school and have homework) and that also, you have access to anything you need whilst you are there; clothes, money etc. If you can get all of this worked out and your dad agrees with it all, the next person to talk to is your mum.
Your mum will need to give her permission for you to go to and stay with your dad and she and he will need to work out specific times and days per week that you can visit. They will also need to discuss amongst themselves if they need to alter their financial arrangements to cover this change (for example, the cost of you getting to and from your dad's etc). If you explain all of these things to your mum and show her that you dad has agreed; get her decision and then decide what she wants to do.
If she is completely against the idea, ask her why and try and show her how her concerns are not an issue and something that you can handle and deal with. If she agrees and is on speaking terms with your dad, it may be worth getting him to come and visit or to call so that they can speak about everything.
Your parents concerns will be about the practicalities of everything and about whether or not it is going to disrupt your life majorily and whether or not it is worth it; so it is best to think about this and whether or not it is going to be for the best and if so why.
Once everything has been agreed and if needs be, your parents may have to contact the courts to alter this arrangement they have; and if it's not needed, ask them for an immediate and practical day that this new arrangement can be sorted and hopefully things will start ASAP.
