AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question I don't know what to do. I am 15 nearly 16 and I feel I've had non stop
boyfriends for what feels like a year or two, because I always end up going
out with the person I'm rebounding on, which is bad I know. Anyway, I
recently broke up with my boyfriend of 5 months because I wasn't attracted
to him anymore. This will sound horrible, but it got to the point where I felt
constraphobic when he touched me, but anyway he is a very sensitive person
so I couldn't actually break up with him, which I know was wrong, so I asked
for a break. He got really upset about it. Then the next day, after I asked for a
break I got stupidly drunk, because I was depressed, and ended up talking to
this boy who I felt really understood me and eventually in my seriously
drunken state, kissed him. The boyfriend I was on a break with got really
really upset, as he saw it. I then officially broke up with him. AND also, me
and him (the now ex boyfriend) have the same friendship group, so everyone
started getting angry at me because they felt that I had been mean to the ex
boyfriend, and I fully understand why. I still don't get invited to things
happening on the weekened because of it. I don't know what to do about my
friends, I have said sorry to them and they have forgiven me but I don't think
that's enough. I just don't know what to do about this new boy. I really like
him but people keep on telling me to settle down but I don't want to. I don't
know if he likes me though, like if he kissed me I guess he must have felt
something, but he probably thinks I'm weird. Oh also I know this probably
has nothing to do with it, but I get depressed quite easily and I'm in an eating
disorder clinic, and I've been in and out since I was about 10. I use to be
really confident and happy and popular but it's gone down hill in the past few
months and I feel like I'm losing everything. Friends, relationships. Please
reply. I know this is long and I probably seem like an attention seeker but I
really need advice.
Answer Hello there Paige,
Sorry to hear that you are having a bit of a difficult time with your relationship and friendships at the minute. Friendships are the best things in the world when they are going right, but they are also incredibly fragile and sometimes, if we are not careful, breaks can appear that push us further and further away from the group which makes it difficult to feel included. Relationships are, on the whole, solitary affairs, where two people become close and want to be with each other to the point where our friends take a back step. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship with someone and wanting that time away from our friends to spend with out loved one, but sometimes, our friends can feel a little bit pushed out or may disagree with our choice of partner: it is about finding a balance for ourselves and our friends.
Maybe one of the reasons that you do keep rebounding off people and forming relationships with them is that it is because you do lack confidence and you need the support, love and interest that you from being with a new person who doesn't know everything about you: if you are with someone and they begin to know you quite well, things can become a little bit dull and you will seek excitement from someone else...someone else being someone that comes to get close to you by talking about your other relationship. There is nothing wrong with getting close to anyone, but by bouncing from one person to another, people will see you as being someone that is not capable of sustaining a long, happy and meaningfull relationship and therefore, may not bother trying to approach you. In time, if you do continue this pattern, you will find that there will be no-one to come to your rescue when things get difficult with your current boyfriend and it will either end up as being a decision to stay with him or be on your own: a decision which has a lot riding on it.
A lot of people do rebound when they have come out of a long term relationship but this is usually a one off resulting because of the closeness the pair achieve by talking about each other's relationships. When we discuss how we really feel for someone we become vulnerable and this is something that draws people close to us but something that people rarely see. At times of coming out of a relationship we are at our most vulnerable and will be looking to cling on to anyone who understands or finds us attractive. However, rebound relationships rarely work because once all of the confusion has disappeared from the previous relationship, the closeness you share disappears.
If you have hopped from one relationship to another, you may want to consider making this last one the final one for a while until you can figure out what you really want from a partner. If you don't and continue to do this, you will hurt yourself, your friends and a lot of people who genuinely care for you but that don't stand a chance.
Your friends are probably a bit upset at seeing you hurt yourself and then others by going from one relationship to the next without really giving your current partner a chance. Sometimes relationships work and sometimes they don't; but the majority of time and in the majority of cases, what you must do at least, is give them some time and be honest with your partner about how you are feeling. Nobody is psychic and if you are having issues with your boyfriend, rather than run into the arms of someone else for comfort, tell him the problem, fall into his arms and see if he changes to what you need him to be. Just be careful and don't be so quick to fall for people in the future...take your time and get to know someone, but also, don't be cruel and if you know something is going nowhere, don't drag it out...tell the poor guy or he will hate you.
Your relationship irregularity could be to do with your confidence which in turn could be related to the problems and issues that you may have surrounding food. Issues around food are usually about being able to control this aspect of your life and this is the same with relationships, it is something that you can, to some extent control. If this is the case, then it may be worth speaking to someone at the eating disorder clinic about this; as food can also have a negative effect on your psychological well being (causing mood swings and irregular patterns of sadness) that may be helped by either eating something appropriate or taking medication.
