AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question I'm from the U.S.
What I need advice on is really kind of complicated..I'm not even sure if I can get "help" or anything for this - but my uncle, he is a reborn christian and he always seems to be so smart - so I thought maybe you might be the same way.
Anyway...I am 16 years old and a sophomore in high school. I have to say, I honestly don't act my age. If anything, I seem much older. People always think I'm a senior or something. And people who don't know that I'm in high school always think I'm in college.
I am overweight. And I suffer from depression - which I am already taking medications for...well I'm suppose to be, but I'm not. 2 weeks ago I overdosed and had to be rushed to the ER. I had to get my stomach pumped (which wasn't fun) and a bunch of other wonderful (my sarcasm) things happen to me. I came out five days later with bruises and the inability to walk and I had to take a nap every few hours. But now I'm okay again..I am just trying to get some things about me out of the way - if you don't mind.
Well - I am a very lonely girl..and when I say lonely - I mean extremely lonely. I use to cry when I had to get offline because it was my only "friend". I don't go hang out with friends or anything like that...and I hate myself in many aspects...I think too much - I analyze things too much - I deny myself things and I lie to myself and I seem to hurt everything.
I have so many problems for myself it's some what unbearable...I just feel like I need to declare my independence..I feel like if I was on my own - or going and doing things more independently then I could actually breathe. It's like I'm literally suffocating...I can't take in an actual breath! I feel like I need to leave. I have that huge feeling that I just have to get out of here. Travel. Live. I just need to get out of here right now. Like I need to clense myself - but I just have to get out! (Sorry - I don't mean to be exclaiming every other sentence)
And those are only tiny problems...My mind is so messed up. I hate the way I look and everything - and I - well - im sorry I'm kind of tearing up right now because I hate to admit this because people look at me like I'm a filthy whore and maybe that's who I am...but...I can't control my mind.. I just can't help but think people can't possibly be as "perverse" as I am. It seems every single time I see a guy - every single time - the first thoughts in my head are always perverse. And the next thoughts are of me and they are degrading. I don't expect anyone to ever truly love me - but in my mind I've decided since no one could love me...at least if they used me then they would be needed me. It would make me feel better..because they may be repulsed by me - but for a short time period they could possibly use me for their own gratification..
I've gone so far as to just wish someone would kidnap me and take me away from here - where no one knows who the hell I am..and it's not love. No. It's just "money"...like prostitution. I sound so lowly - but I'd do it just for that little bit of human contact - that little bit of knowing I was helping someone feel better...I'm such a fucking slut...I don't know how I got this way. I did it on my own. I'm so pathetic - I'm not even a virgin anymore - I haven't been since I was 14. I admit, I lost my virginity to a guy I loved - but that didn't work, of course it didn't. And after we were over I got so rebellious and angry I went online and into a chatroom and said I'd fuck anyone who was willing to come pick me up. And I was only 15. And yet a man did agree to it, picked me up, I didn't have any idea who he was or anything about him but I jumped into his truck without hesitation...a vodka bottle on the floor and he drove about thirty minutes back to his home...this was at midnight...and we got to his house and inside and then - well - we did what I said I would...and afterwards, there was five minutes of just lying there with him - and just lying there, I don't know, it made me feel better until I realised I had been so stupid and reckless - he could have been a murderer and I would have been dead - but I guess I didn't care anymore.
And I promised myself I would never do anything so degrading and low or slutty and yet I am again..I begged to be owned...and people asked me if I wanted to be degraded and nothing but a possession - and I agreed to it..to a patriarch - *sighs*...I don't know what's wrong with me..but I just want to leave this place. Mentally and physically. I want to get out - on my own - and if I can't then I just want to take off running and keep running until I'm gone...I've tried to take my life so many times it's not even funny anymore. I think if I can't get away - for my own time - then soon I'm going to do it again - and considering last time was the first time I actually would have succeeded had they not of pumped my stomach - I'm scared...
Answer Hey there Jessica,
You sound to me like you have a lot of things going on in your mind and thoughts that keep appearing that shouldn't be: but you are not helping yourself or your state of mind by not taking the mediciation you have been prescribed. If a doctor has told you that you should take medication for your depression, then it is important that you do: even if you don't think they are working. Antidepressants will help you to feel happier, but will also help you to sleep more soundly at night and put things into perspective. By not taking them, you are allowing your wandering mind to take over and to take you to places where you don't want to be going. I strongly recommend that you begin to take your mediciation because if you don't, you're not going to get better from this illness and that is what this is...an illness that needs treating.
It sounds to me like your emotions are controlling you to the point where you are beginning to lose sight of who you are and like you are letting yourself get lower and lower to the point where you want to escape: but there is no escape and trying to hurt yourself is not the answer. Neither is thinking about what you have done in past and reliving it. We all make mistakes and no-one is perfect: not me, not you...but what we have to do is to understand that we all have to do the best we can to live our lives with the cards we've been dealt.
This jumping into any man's car from a chatroom is not only dangerous and stupid, but it also leads me to believe that you feel the need to be punished and you feel the need to be, in some small way, loved and wanted by anyone...even if it is a stranger. You need to understand that you are better than this and you do deserve so much more.
I don't think giving you more independence would help you if you already feel lonely now on your own. I think being on your own is the last thing you need right now and I think it is incredibly important that you begin to be honest with your family and your doctor about what has been going on and what is going on in your head...that way, they can ensure you do get the right treatment.
I think it is important and an idea that you begin to keep a diary or a journal everyday of your thoughts and ideas; the good ones and the bad ones. This will give you an opportunity to get out all of your anger, your frustration and annoyance, but it will also help you to see yourself how you are really feeling. You can also use it to show the doctors and your parents how you are feeling.
Everyone wants you to live a happy and healthy life but they can only help you if you want to help yourself. It sounds to me like you are incredibly unhappy...but only you can make the decision to turn your life around and make yourself happy...and this starts with taking your medication and talking to your doctor. If you don't, then you will just keep lonely and down and you will find that you become more and more withdrawn...
Everyone wants the best for you...but do you want the best for you?
