AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question Hey...
I'm 14, and live in Oregon, USA. And my question is, why can't I get a boyfriend? Or at least... How do I get one?
My school has really tight cliques, and I'm not necessarily in the prep/popular girl group. I just consider myself normal. I get all A's, but I'm not a nerd. I like sports and I'm a gymnast. But I'm always so shy around guys. I feel like every single thing I do is being judged by them. And I feel like guys pretty much just ignore me because I'm not good enough, because I'm not a prep. They'll talk to preps, but if I try to talk, they'll ignore me. And when I do open up, it's on a very limited scale. I really don't have any guy friends. I'm way to shy to flirt, because I feel stupid. All my friends are always telling me how gorgeous I am and how they'd love to be me. And how they want to have a body like me. I just don't understand it. When I look in the mirror, I see an ugly mutated face. And a weird disproportionate body. Nothing like the oddly skinny bodies with huge boobs that the preps have. I've tried so hard to get boyfriends before, I've even come SO close to asking some guys out. But I chicken out at the last second. I think my problem might be more about self-esteem than anything. It's becomes a vicious circle. I need confidence to get a boyfriend, and a boyfriend would give me confidence.
Please give me any advice you have. I'm tired of being the only person without a boyfriend. I'm tired of all my friend's crushes just magically liking them back, and me being alone. Anything you have to say wiould be great. If you have questions you need to ask to get more information, feel free to ask me.
Answer Hey there Oriane,
Sorry to hear that things are not going well for you at the moment and that you are feeling a bit on your own; but hopefully I can offer some reassurance and some practical advice.
Firstly, you are not on your own in the way you are feeling: in fact, there are a lot of people out there who feel exactly the same. Most girls worry about how they look and whether or not they are attractive; as well as whether or not they are interesting enough or popular enough to keep someone interested, but you need to remember that you are an individual person with an individual personality and look and that is just as attractive as any prep girl. Girls who may seem outgoing and confident, the ones who seem to be able to get the guys and just don't seem to care what other people think, often have deeper rooted issues that in fact, means that they are not confident at all but so in secure and controlling that they have to put on a front or a mask. Guys eventually find this out the hard way by dating them and by being superficial; but once they have seen past the viscious smile and realised there isn't much else there, they take a different approach to meeting women in the future...but unfortunately, for some guys, it takes a long time for this message to sink in and there are some guys who will always go for the air heads.
But you are one of the good girls; someone who has depth and soul to you. Someone who thinks about things and cares about other people; who tries and works very hard. These are all good qualities and regardless of your lack of confidence around guys, you should at least accept that you do have a lot to offer a partner. You are not the only person to not have a boyfriend and you will get one in time; but only when things are right...and that includes when you are ready and happy enough with yourself to let someone love you. There is a well known saying, 'for someone to love you, you must first love yourself' and as cheesey at it sounds, it is true...you do need to boost your confidence and sometimes this will mean stepping out of your comfort zone.
Someone once described to me that we have a circle surrounding us that is like a bubble. Within this bubble we keep everything that keeps us warm and happy; our routine, our close friends, our family etc. But it is all too easy to stay just within this bubble and not let anything change and over time, this bubble naturally becomes smaller which is not what you want. Instead what you want to do is to occasionally step out of this bubble into the unknown and the uncertainty; when you are unsure about what is going to happen and when you feel nervous etc. It may not be comfortable to walk into uncertainty but if you keep on going there and not running back to your bubble, your bubble gets bigger and bigger and there are fewer things in your life that you cannot do. Basically, you sometimes have to take a plunge and step out.
I agree, it does sound like you need to boost your confidence and increase your self esteem and this first means you need to understand yourself. Make a list of all your good points and the qualities you admire in others and see if there are any similarities. Similarly, make a list of things you do not like in people in general and whether or not you match any of them; if you do, look at how you can change things. These lists should show you that have positive qualities about yourself; but if you have a bigger negative list, you need to change your way of thinking.
Also, I think you need to understand that there is no rush to find a boyfriend. At 14, you have your whole life ahead of you and as nice as it may seem now, sometimes having a boyfriend can make your life very difficult. It is not all what it is cracked up to be and at least, without a boyfriend you cannot get hurt.
Boyfriend or not, I think that you need to increase your exposure to boys so that you become more and more confident in talking to them. Gorgeous or not, remember that this boy is just a boy and that if he isn't interested in talking to you then so what? There are millions of other people out there better than him who will. Do not put boys above you, remember, you are just as good.
Take every invitiation that you get to any party or outing or join a club of things that you enjoy doing away from school. If you see a guy on his own and you are on your own, go over and just say 'hi' and see what he says. You do not need to make massive conversation with people, just a small 'hi' shows them you are interested in talking to them and usually that is all you need to know to get a conversation naturally going.
Remember, your fear is your only barrier to getting you to talk to people and what is the worst that can happen if you did go over and talk to someone? They don't talk to you? They ignore you? So what! You are bigger and better than that to let that bother you.
Finally, remember, you are not the only person who doesn't have a boyfriend and you are certainly not the only person on their own. Be happy in the knowledge that you will find someone soon and that you will be happy in the future; but only when you are ready.
