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About Daryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology
Expertise
As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience
I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
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You are here: Experts > Teens > Teen Advice > Teenage Problems > Cousins hurt me psychologically - HELP
Expert: Daryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology
Date: 5/4/2008
Subject: Cousins hurt me psychologically - HELP
Question
4 years ago i visited my family in America and saw 2 female cousins. Back then i was 14 and was an ugly duckling, now i'm 18 male. The thing is I REALLY do not want to see them - because they damaged me psychologically. I used to be small (5ft6),skinny,ugly,lanky & had ugly acne and my cousins always told me this. They used to tell me i was unphotogenic, that i looked ill & horrible. One girl told me 'a secret' that a girl liked me BUT SHE told dat girl i was ugly which put her off......
However 4 years later, i'm 6ft 1,work out and have a nice toned body and i look MUCH better - they might complement me cos everyone has lately but it will just make me angry at them again....
Why did they put me through that? Are they shallow or stuck up? i didn't deserve to be put through that and it took me a long time to get over.... I will see them next week but i don't want to!
HELP ME !
Answer
Hey Dani,
Nobody deserves to be made to feel unattractive or unwelcome, by friends, by family or by anyone. Nobody is perfect and these female cousins of yours deffinately aren't. No-one has the right to make you feel like you are worthless and unwanted just because of their judgements on your looks...it's not how the World works. These cousins sound like if they are not careful, the only people they will end up with in the future is each other because nobody else will put up with their trash.
But you Dani, you have taken their psychological battering and you have turned it to your advantage...you've got buff, you're getting complimented and now, it sounds like you're confident with who you are. You have turned their bullying against them and shot it right back at them and you have come through this terrible ordeal a better person and maybe it is time they saw that.
In a close knit family it is difficult to avoid seeing people at a family events, so if you avoid this one, there will be another one in the future. So it could just be best to get this over and done with and see what happens. If they come over and try and make conversation, be civil with them (for the sake of the family), smile and nod at them and then let them run off and have a good old chat about how much you've changed. Remember, you have no reason to be hiding from them or trying to avoid them...they're in the wrong not you and if you do keep trying to avoid them, there will be a time when you do see them when you just snap.
Some people are naturally vindictive and nasty and these girls sound like that; but what better way to stick it to them than to turn up, looking good, feeling confident (even if you're not) and just showing everyone how you turned out? You have nothing to lose but wiping the smile of their faces and you never know, as difficult as it was to get over, you may get some closure.
I bet you were never an ugly duckling to begin with but that they made you think you were; but you don't need them, or their opinions...you never have!
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