AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question My 12 yr old daughter has been looking at porn sights on the internet. I found out 2 years ago that this was happening and my husband and I spoke to her about it then. We reassured that it is normal to be curious about sex and that if she wanted to find out anything to ask us and we would help her and that these websites were not appropriated nor did they have the right information on them. I have just found that she has been visiting these websites again and I'm not sure how to approach her about it this time. I am upset that this has happened as I don't want her thinking these websites are what love and sex is about. Can you give us some advice on how to talk to her about this? Thank You.
Answer Hello there Kellie,
Firstly, let me say that you have done everything positive a parent should do with their child in regards to this issue: you have made yourself approachable, you have told your daughter that it is normal behaviour and you have also encouraged her to come and talk to you if she has any questions...all of this is positive parenting and hopefully will have had a lasting impact on your daughter. You may also find that in the future it will help to bring you closer because she will trust you. Being so honest with your children is a way of making them be honest with you and through offering an honest, non-judgemental environment as you and your husband have done, you are encouraging this trust to build up. So well done and let me say how refreshing it is to read about positive parenting such as yours. Your daughter may not appreciate it now, but when she has a problem she will and she will see the importance of you and your husband of actually knowing what you are talking about.
It could be that your daughter is becoming sexually curious naturally because she is getting older and she will be hearing about things through school and starting to develop her own sexual identity and being before she actually begins relationships. This is all perfectly normal and happens because of our environment and the hormones that tend to surge during puberty; but you do have to make sure that she is not accessing anything illegal or pornographic as this would not only cause a legal problem, but may also, as you have suggested, provide the wrong messages about exceptable behaviour.
There are a lot of websites out there that tend to give the same information about internet safety (and that includes reducing the exposure of pornographic websites to youngsters) but they do tend to give the same information:
Talk: To you child about the internet and about what they are looking at. Ensure that they know that accessing pornographic material on the computer is illegal (because of their age) and could lead to them being in bigger trouble than just with you, her parents. Explain you understand that it is normal for her to want to understand about sex and to ask questions, but she is better suited to reading information and websites aimed exactly at her age that will not cause offence. There are some really good UK based websites but if you Google your country if you are not in the UK for 'relationships', 'children' and 'advice', hopefully you should get some decent pages. One site we used to use at work, when I was a Connexions Advisor (advising young people on such issues) was R U Thinking. It is aimed at young people and aims to empower them with knowledge at sex, relationships and advice. Have a read through the information yourself and see if you think it is a) appropriate and b) relavent. If you think your daughter may not understand it or that it gives out the wrong message, please do not use it, just look for another appropriate website instead.
By giving her access to an information written for her age group, she has access to questions, answers and information that she may herself be needing. It also ensures that she can ask the appropriate people for information and advice even if she does not want to talk to you. It will not of course cure her curiosity of looking at sex, but it should reduce it.
In terms of actually practical steps, it is recommended that you monitor her internet usage and let her know that you are doing this. If the computer is not in a main room, then have it put somewhere where she cannot access it on her own: just tell her it is because you all need to be able to have access to it. This way, she will not have the opportunity to view such images.
Ask your internet service providor about their own policy on protecting children from offensive websites and see what they themselves recommend: put on filters and have a parental control system on the computer that you can monitor. This way, there is no practical way that she can view images on the computer without you knowing about it. If she can or if she does, you may have to tell her that because you cannot assure her safety or that she is not looking at offensive material, then you will need to ban her from the computer. She will not like this, but it is within her best interest.
But getting back to your actual question about how to actually talk to your daughter about this, I do think it is important that you sit down with her and have another chat with her about what she has been looking at. Tell her that the people that work within that industry represent what they think people want to see...which is often single women in compromising situations and that this is nothing to aspire to be. Tell her that people working within the industry sometimes get exploited and do not get paid very well but do it because they have to be...so behind the pictures is a horrible story and again nothing to aspire to be. Talk about your own relationship with your husband, how you met, when you knew you were in love and how and why it works and emphasise the importance of love and compromise...do all of this and make it real and practical by showing her love exists between her parents, then hopefully she will begin to realise that the people in pornographic pictures are nothing more than actors who have only just met and there very rarely is anything loving or normal about them.
Kellie, it is just about continuing to do what you have done and that is by making yourself approachable (and your husband too) and taking practical steps to stop her from looking at this material. But blocking it is just one step and as you have identified, talking is the biggest and most effective way of preventing this. Do what is practical, remove the means and talk to her and hopefully, this should stop as it could just be a phase brought on by curiosity.
