AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question hi daryl.
im having problems with my boyfriend.
we've been together for 3 years.
nd during those 3 years we've had
problems but we eventually fixed
everything, but lately he's been acting
very careless about our relationship.
he would always call me nd ask me how
im doing or how my day was or tells
me he loves me.
but he doesnt do that anymore.
i try calling him but he somtimes
ignores my calls.
nd he tells me that he doesnt care
about wat happens to us anymore.
yet he refuses to dump me.
i dont know wats going on here.
does he want attention or sumthin?
or does he really want me to dump him?
please help me.
i asked this question to another
expert, but he wasnt able to help me.
thank u for ur time =]]!
Answer Hey there Jenny,
Sorry to hear that things are going a bit strange between you and your boyfriend; it is never nice to be in a relationship where you do not know exactly where you stand and what is happening...it is even worse when the other person is seemingly so uncaring but then doesn't have the balls to give you a straight answer about anything...but I hope I can help.
Let me also appologise for the lack of help you may have been given by the other expert. I cannot speak for everyone on the site and although you will not always get advice you may want, the advice you were given should have at least, helped you to think about your situation positively...but that aside, let's talk about your boyfriend.
The best part of a relationship is always the start; where the nerves kick in, you don't really know each other and you begin to learn about what each other likes and dislikes and how much you have in common. Sometimes, depending upon the people, this time and this period of excitement can last weeks, months or even, in some cases, even years. But in the majority of cases, for most people, after a couple of weeks, the excitement in a relationship sort of dwindles...we know we have the person we want, we know that they are happy with us and we know that they enjoy our company...so we sort of lose the effort to keep things interesting if that makes sense. This is especially the case in relationships that are long distance or long term and it means that people can go from the start of a relationship doing all the things in the World together to struggling to find something to say on the telephone...it is just natural progression for your relationship. But it doesn't mean the end is coming, or at least, it doesn't have to mean the end is coming...it all depends on whether or not the two are you are happy underneath everything. If you are happy with him but just don't understand him, then you can make things work. If he doesn't want to dump you, then he must be happy so this means he can work at it too. It could just be that things have become so routine with the two of you that you are just beginning to drift apart.
Guys by their nature are not very good at talking about their emotions or how they are feeling; instead, they tend to let you know there is a problem through their behaviour and this could be what your boyfriend is doing by ignoring your calls and giving himself some space...he may just be thinking about everything and have a lot of things on his mind. Space is good but not caring about your partner is not and I think he does need to start being honest with you and not keep you on the line about as to what is happening.
It sounds to me, from what you have described, that the two of you need to rekindle this love that you originally felt for each other and to see why you are in a relationship and why it has lasted so long. This means getting him to commit some time to you and you commiting some time to him, away from everyone else, away from everything else and just the two of you doing something fun that you both enjoy. Catch a movie, go bowling, go out for a meal...just do something different. If he wants your relationship to work and you make clear how much you want to do something different with him, he'll agree...if he doesn't, then you need to start asking a lot more questions.
Getting him to do something with you and spending time with you will help you both see each other in a fresh light and will hopefully show you both why you love each other. It will remove any other stresses or worries that you both have and it will always ensure you both have a fantastic evening together (or day together). It doesn't have to be fantastically expensive, it is just about spending time together. Hopefully, you will both enjoy it and it will make you clearer (and him) about where you both stand.
If he refuses to come or get involved in any part of this, then you need to ask him to be honest with you. Ask him what is up with him and whether or not there is anything that you can do to help. Talk to him about your relationship and ask him to be honest. Tell him that if he doesn't start talking and being honest about your relationship then you can only make assumptions and at that point, he should start talking...if he doesn't, tell him that because he is not talking to you, you can only assume he doesn't want to be with you anymore...see what he says and if needs be, give him some time to get his head together. It is not selfish of you to want to know where you stand...you deserve to know and you deserve to get the love and respect you deserve from your partner...if you are not the problem, then you need to know what is to be able to offer him help and support.
Sometimes relationships do go through a stale patch where nothing much happens and there seems like there is no justifiable reason why you are together...but this is usually a phase brought about by stresses from other things. However, if it has been going on for more than a couple of months, you may have to face the possibility that you are in a relationship where you will only ever be doing all of the giving and recieving nothing back. I hope that is not the case, but there is nothing worse than giving so much time, effort and love to someone who strings you along with the occasional appologiy and 'i love you' but doesn't really seem to have the inclination to show it. You deserve to be loved and treated properly and if this guy isn't going to do it...how long are you going to wait until you let someone else give you all of the things you need? I know it is harsh but I just want you to be happy and if this means making a very difficult decision because you think it is in your best interest but you will be better off in the long term, then I think this is the right decision.
But getting back to a positive note...you've been together three years now and as long as you can both still find things to like about each other and smile about with each other then you have the groundings of a longer, happy relationship...you both just need to get things in the open and he needs to stop being so secretive about how he is feeling. Get this sorted and hopefully, things will look up for you and you'll be a happier person, in a happier relationship with a happier boyfriend.
