AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question Now I have to admit, i can have my average teenage moments where I say something I shouldn't, but lately I just cant take my mom any more. I'm honestly crying as I type this right now. Right now is the most stressful moment of my life, the last semester of my Junior year, when everything is important, I'm studying for my AP tests, memorizing vocab for SATs and such. I'll just give you a few examples of how my mom blows up. The morning of my SATs I wake up, not to stressed out about the test. I get up, my mom is great, she offers to make me a breakfast, and about 5 minutes before I'm about to walk out the door my mom's like, "What room are you taking your test in at school?" and i said, "I'm not really sure, they tell you when we get there." And that's when she blew up. She started screaming at me for not knowing. "You should have figured it out yesterday when you were at school." and I'll admit, when she wouldn't listen to me I started shouting back. I told here that their not allowed to tell you which room your in until you show up to take the test, which is absolutely TRUE. But my word, as always, is never good enough for my mom. So the last thing the said to me as I walk out the door is "you are stupid" I'm not even joking. I cried the entire drive over to me school to take my SATs, now a complete wreck. A few days later my dad pulled me aside, "I know how your mom is, she doesn't know how to pick her fights. She always has to be right, the best thing is to just agree with her."
Another example is tonight, I'm here studying for my AP test tomorrow, nervous as heck, and then I hear my mom yelling my name from the living room. I ignored her for a while because i just knew she would ruin my night. But she was insistent, and so I walked out into the living room, and she starts yelling at me that I was recording 2 shows on our DVR at the same time which was preventing her from watching TV. it turns out that one of the shows being recorded was a show that she watches, but it doesn't matter, how dare i set a show the same time to record as one of her shows. so she makes me stop recording it because she doesn't know how to. So i honestly really didn't care so as i was standing there trying to figure out how to stop recording my show so she could watch TV she's there yelling at me... and i just toon her out for a while, until she starts calling me "helpless" because I can't figure out how to cancel my recording...even thought the reason she called me out here was because she couldn't figure it out, so i rolled my eyes and called her helpless and she kept yelling at me. So i figured it out and left the room, and from my bedroom I can hear her calling me a bitch. I am seriously sooo sick of her. I am so happy I am a daddy's girl and he's paying for my college, so i would have to talk to my mom ever when I go away to college..
Answer Hey Taylor,
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you: it's been a bit hectic here but I haven't forgot you.
Firstly, I hope that you AP Test went OK and that you come out knowing that you did the best that you could: and at the end of the day, that is all you can really do. Best not to think about it too much or plan anything until you get your marks back and you know exactly how things stand...this is good advice for all your tests or you'll worry yourself with what you think you don't know, opposed to focusing on what you do. Anyhow, I hope it went OK and you will be happy with your marks.
Secondly, I am sorry to hear that your mom is being so difficult: she should be encouraging you and praising you for doing well and actually focusing on your studies and your education. It says a lot about how mature you and bright you must be to be able to get on with your tests and your classes when you have all this going on at home. As difficult as it sounds, just let your mom get on with it and you get on with focusing for your tests. You are not stupid: you are not helpless...if you were, you wouldn't be studying so much because you wouldn't be bothered about the outcome...so your mom is completely out of order saying this and you should not take it to heart.
It sounds to me like there could be other things going on in your mom's life, worries, stresses etc and this is causing her to take out all of her frustrations on the only person who can't fight back...you. Sometimes parents lash out at their children and say and do some nasty things, not because they mean them, but because they just snap and need to feel superior to someone who they can control and perhaps this is what is happening to your mom...but she probably wouldn't admit there were any problems anyway.
Your dad seems to know your mom well and how best to deal with her, so his advice sounds spot on and on the money. If you think you get some stick, I'm sure, in time, your dad has had the same run-ins with your mom, so it's not just you she's like this with...it's him as well. When your mom gets difficult and starts being mean, just listen to her but don't take it in, let her say her piece and don't retaliate because that is what she wants. Dealing with your mom in one of these states is the same as dealing with an angry child...the more you fight back, the more the argument will escalate until you both end up storming out and feeling really angry with each other. If you do not react, she cannot react and if you agree with her (even when you won't), she has no excuse to keep coming back at you. It also means that you are not as affected by her words as you have been and that you learn to just deal with it as being an inconvenience rather than a full on attack.
Your mom must be a difficult person to live with, being fantastic one minute and then changing the next, but this is why I suspect there is more to this than her just venting anger at you. She probably genuinely wants you to do well and thinks that by putting pressure on you, you will do well...but in fact, it can have the opposite effect and maybe she needs to realise this. She also needs to realise that you cannot possibly know everything about everything and that sometimes, you won't know what is going on...it's not surprising when you have so much happening.
As long as you are sitting your test and doing your best, and as long as you are safe, happy and healthy, your mom should not have a problem and if she does, it is her that needs to find the solution and not you.
Keep looking to the future and where you're going to be and hopefully, things won't be as bad as they are...there is a light at the end of the tunnel...you've just got a bit of walking to do to see it.
