AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question Hi, im 16 now and since your a guy its hard for me to talk to you. I will explain why. Well when I was younger like 10-11 my cousin whos the same age touched me very innapropriatly and like looked places I didn't agree. Since I was young I really didnt know what to do and was really scared. Since then I had horrible experinces with guys. For example less than a year ago I was hanging with friends when 2 guys pinned me down and said they wanted me to do things with them. There was no way out and I was so scared I kinda just let them, but it didnt get to the point to intercourse. One was really close but I kept backing away. Also I had many other experiences with guys who did things i didnt approve of. But I guess its my fault those things happened because I may have tried backing away or getting away I never said no. I was way to scared to say no any of those times, and I dont think it would have helped anyway. Now I have a boyfriend and he's really nice but whenever he touches me like on my shoulder or to hold my hand I back away. So he thinks that I dont like him, but I do. I just really dont like any guy touching me anymore. I want to be able to let him and I be close. but how? I never told anyone about those experience, and I really dont want to. I also have severe depression and anxiety? Could that be the cause also? What can I do to forget about the past and be comfortable with my boyfriend? Thanks =D
Answer Hello there Krystal,
Let me first just appologise for not getting back to you sooner: I usually respond within 2 days but its been really hectic here...but I've not forgotten about your problem.
Secondly, let me also say how sorry I am to hear about what has happened to you. To be in the situation you have been in once is bad enough, but then to repeatedly end up there, that must have been horrible and incredibly damaging to your confidence.
I have recently been talking to someone (last night in fact) who has been in a similar situation to you and I gave him the following advice. He, like you, is having trouble maintaining a relationship when the thought of someone touching him takes him back to when he was raped by some guys years ago...even years on, he still struggles.
What you have to remember though Krystal, is that there is a distinct difference between having sex with someone you love and being touched by people you don't. But when something like this happens to you, both types feel the same and you automatically try and keep away from them. What you have to do is begin what is called desensitisation, which is where you and your partner build up sexual and intimate trust over a period of time, to the point where you are so comfortable and happy that you can have him touch you without relating it to what happened: and therefore, making it enjoyable.
This desensitisation simply is about stepping out of your comfort zone temporarily and each time, pushing yourself further and further until you are out of your depth...but because you are doing it with someone you trust, it becomes easier and not as frightening. It can take as long as you need it to, as long as your partner is willing to be patient with you.
All you do is act normally around each other and when an intimate situation occurs, ie, you are both together and he tries to kiss you or touch your arm or neck; as uncomfortable as you may feel, stick with it until you cannot bare it. Then next time, let him kiss you for a bit longer, or stroke your arm for a bit longer etc and slowly over time, you will get used to him touching your body to the point where you and he can be ready for intercourse or other sex (again, if and when you are ready) because trust will have been built. IT is not as complicated as it sounds and it can be quite easy but you have to have a partner that will not push you when you are uncomfortable and try and get you to do things you do not want.
I think also, it is always a good idea for someone in your situation to consider talking to someone face to face...I know that must seem like a scarey thought, but if you don't, you may end up with more emotional backage than you can carry. Talking to someone, not necessarily about this but about how you are feeling, will help you to feel more confident and gain an understanding into who you are as a person. Remember, you did not deserve anything that happened to you and it is important that you realise that.
