AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question I am 17 years old and I am really scared of some men. I have a lot of guy friends and can be very flirty, but when I see some guys, I just freeze because I'm so scared. I can feel chills going up my spine and my hands becoming colder. I feel dizzy and I can't breathe. I don't want them to touch me because I feel like I'm going to scream out or cry.
Like a couple days ago, I had my prom. I asked a friend who lives two hours away from me to come because I had nobody else to go with. I didn't know him very well but he was funny and so I thought that going with him would be very fun. He had work that day and the next, but he tried everything to follow my schedule so I could have fun. Everything went fine except when we started dancing, he bit me lightly between my neck and my shoulder. I guess he was being friendly/flirty but I got really scared. I got even more scared when he was "freak dancing" with me. I wanted to get off the dance floor. I felt so dizzy and I felt like crying. I'm smiling in all the pictures, but even now I feel afraid. I don't want to look at any of the pictures.
I don't understand... If I know my friend is being intimate but has no interest in me whatsoever, I can function fine with them. But once he is interested in me or looks at me in a romantic way, I become really scared. Or if he touches me... If I'm not ready and he wants to just touch me like holding my hand or something, I can't control my fear springing out of me. What's wrong with me? I just don't understand... I want to stop being afraid. I want to function like all other girls and not mind things like this.
Answer Hello there Jane,
Firstly, let me just get this notion out of your head that you are not like the other girls, and in your own words 'not normal', because that is completely untrue. You are normal and you are like other girls, but you just have a couple of issues with intimacy that you will need to learn to understand and deal with. It is not major issue at the moment because you can, to some extent limit yourself to who comes close to you physically etc, but you will need to address this issue soon because you will want to start forming relationships and widening your social circle.
The symptoms you describe to me sound similar to the symptoms of a panic attack; this is where a person usually begins to hyperventilate (breathing quickly and shallowly) and they can feel their heart pounding, they feel dizzy and sick and like they are going to faint. Panic attacks usually occur when a person is in an uncomfortable situation that they feel they have no control over. They are not life threatening and will not cause you great harm, even if you do actually faint, but they are an inconvenience that you must take steps to control. Controlling one part of the problem will stop an attack from fully occuring and give you the control you need to feel comfortable around guys.
I think if you do continue to have these symptoms that you do try some tips for stopping the feelings you are having to see if this helps. Below is a URL for a Pdf file from the UK's National Health Service that has a lot of good information on for you to read through. You may find it helpful or you may not; but the first step in stopping this awkwardness around boys is to feel comfortable within your self.
Secondly, if you are not ready for an intimate relationship because you are scared or uncomfortable, then this is fine. It could just be that you are so scared of what may happen if you let a guy touch you and what he may do, that this causes these symptoms to occur. If this is the case, then there may be a time when you meet someone that you like and form a relationship in, where you may have to trust the other person and trust that they will not hurt you in anyway. Feeling nervous and anxious of strangers or guys you know won't go very far touching you is one thing, but if you cannot trust a guy you form a relationship with, then you may end up with a very difficult relationship in the future.
You should not feel comfortable with anyone touching just any old how anyway and if guys are making you feel uncomfortable then you should tell them to stop and get out of the situation. No guy, friend or not has the right to touch you inappropriately, even if this is on the neck and even if they are flirting, if you do not feel comfortable. You will know when you have found someone who is genuinely interested in you and having a relationship with you, because they will wait and not take advantage of any situation: you just have to be honest from the outset.
I think that if you read the booklet that is attached to the URL I have given you and adopt some of the tips that are on there and you set the boundaries of who can touch you and where they can touch you etc before you go into a situation where this will occur, I think that you should be OK.
It is not going to be easy to overcome this barrier to intimacy so far, but you have to make sure that at all times, you are the one that is in control...the minute you don't feel like you are, is the minute that these symptoms will start again. Keep Control, and Keep Distance and you should be fine.
