AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question I have a 16 year old son who is very disrespectful to us (his parents), his brother and now i got a call from his principal at school saying he treats the teachers bad. He also lost his after school job because of his mouth. He has been caught sneaking out and he admitted to smoking marijuana a few months ago. Where did i go wrong? i just want my sweet little boy back.
Answer Hey there 'Mom',
I am sorry to hear that your sweet little son has turned into someone you barely recognised and someone who seems to have you questioning your own parenting skills. Let me firstly reassure you that I am sure his behavior has nothing to do with anything to do with what you have done in his life, so you and your partner are not to blame yourselves for his actions. It could be that a number of different factors are coming into play in this situation and that your son does just not know how to express himself.
Firstly, it could just be a normal reaction to the hormones released during puberty. Although, at 16, he is in the middle of puberty, it could be that there has been a last minute surge of testosterone released over the last couple of months, which has caused your son to increase his anger and frustration. During adolescence and puberty, hormone inbalances can cause terrible mood swings that seem to come from now where and until they stabalise, it could be that your son becomes the opposite of who he used to be. If this is the case and his behavior is hormonal, there is little you can do but to support him and hope he grows out of it when his hormones settle down and begin to balance out. Puberty and adolescence are confusing times for any young person, but for young guys, there are a lot of added pressures and it could just be that with everything that is going on internally, he is finding it difficult to control himself phsyically if that makes sense. Try and encourage to talk to you, but give him some space. If he starts being agressive or violent, then in a normal tone, tell him to remember who he is talking to and if he continues to be aggressive or rude, strongly recommend (but without shouting), he goes to his room to cool off or leaves the house. The worse thing any member of the family can do is to disagree with him or enter into an argument...you will end up just as angry as he is and that helps no-one. When he gets difficult and starts being mean, don't lose your cool...get yourself out of there. You don't need to tiptoe around him or change your world for him, but you do need to make him aware that he is in your house and living under your rules and if he doesn't understand that...just as everything else does, there are consequences for his actions.
If your son has lost his job because of his attitude and his bad mouth, then tell him he has to find another one because if he treats you discourteously and like a bank, then you will not give him his allowance. If he is old enough to sneak out and smoke marijuana, then he is old enough to accept responsibility and to understand that his attitude towards you guys at home is not one. It will require some tough love and some long nights but if you, your husband and your other son can pull together and show a united front...your disruptive son will find no-one to argue with but himself...and hopefully he will grow tired of this and stop.
Another reason that he could be rebelling so much is because he could be getting bullied at schooled or be having his life made tough by his friends. In instances like this, rather than talk openly about it, most young guys change their behavior and become really nasty towards the people that are closest to them...their family. It could be worth having a quite word with the principal and asking him to keep an eye on your son at school. Ask him if your son spends time on his own, or with friends at meal times and if he is with friends, what sort of friends are they? If he is one his own a lot at school or in with the wrong crowd at school, then this could be another reason for a major change in his behaviour and his attitude.
If the problem is his group of friends, then you have to, where possible, limit his 'exposure' to them. That does not mean that you have to ground him or make your unhappiness about his friends public, but you can make excuses to ensure they stay away from the house etc. You cannot force him to stay at home and you cannot choose his friends, but you cans subtley make him aware that his friends may not be all they seem to be.
If he is on his own a lot at school or is getting bullied, then this again needs to be addressed ASAP but also, remembering that he has to stay at the school.
If you suspect that there is no underlying cause and that your son is just being mean for no apparent reason, then it is probably most liekly down to his hormones as previously described.
Whatever the cause it does not matter, as your son's parents you have done all you can to look out for him and protect him...but you do not need to take this attitude that he is giving you and nor should you. You need to be firm and fair and although it may feel like you are actually going to make things worse, enforcing strong but fair discipline should help to at least restore some order. If he is rude, punish him according to what he has done. If he refuses to eat his dinner...put in the trash and let him make his own or go hungry. If he needs money for something, make him earn it by doing a chore. If he talks to you like trash, order him to his room and if he doesn't go, give him a countdown and tell him you will threaten to remove his TV or something else from there he values and he should go.
The key to this is to stop blaming yourself and to ensure that you, your partner and your other son lead as much a normal life as possible. If you guys are close and are a family unit, then it is likely your other son will see this and want to be part of it.
It's not going to be an easy ride or an easy few months, but if you guys stick together, you enforce law and respect and you ensure that your son recognises his own responsibility in his actions...he may just think twice before he disrespects you or the house again...especially when he realises just how much he needs you all.
