AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question ever since the death of my father when i was 11 i have constantly been struggling with my mother.
i'm 15 now, and the past four years with her have been absolute hell.
she has some severe mental and emotional issues, along with horrendous anger and stress problems. the death of my father has left her devastated.
i'm not saying i'm totally clean, i'm a problem child (had problems with drugs/alcohol, grades, getting in trouble with the police, getting in fights at school, emotional issues, and i ranaway from home several times) but i always do my chores around the house, do my best in school, have been clean from drugs and alcohol for a few months now. i'm in therapy now and on my way to building a better life. i am also taking prozac for depression. i do whatever my mother asks me to do and always try my best to avoid conflict with her.
but i'm tired of constantly fighting with her and her emotional outbursts that occur MANY times DAILY. she takes out all of her problems, anger, frustrations, and sadness on me.
she's said some pretty awful things to me (i'm done with you, i don't care about you anymore, you make my life hell, and my personal favorite next time you leave the house don't bother coming back) and it hurts me inside to know that my mother hurts so much and it hurts me inside as well to take her daily beratings.
my mom obviously has some issues, myself, family members, and friends have suggested her getting help (seeing a doctor or counselor, getting medication, etc. she says that she has severe panic attacks weekly, horrible depression, anger, and anxiety, which i think she really needs help for) but all she does is become angry and insist that she doesn't need it.
i do not hate my mother, i will never hate her, i love her more than anything on this earth
but she sees me as a burden, a failure, an embarassment, a 'hateful little b**ch'
but i simply cannot handle living like this anymore. it causes me unbelievable amounts of stress and pain everyday, it's gotten to the point where i have ranaway from home several times and have been investigating emancipation. i have no other contact with any of my other family except for my grandmother. my grandmother and my mother are the only family i have left. there are no other supportive adult figures in my life so living with someone else is out of the question.
how can i deal with this better, help my mom, or resolve this?
Answer Hey there Stephanie,
Thank you for taking the time to share your problem with me and I am sorry for the delay in getting back to you (it's been a bit hectic here), but I've not forgotten you and I hope that I can offer some words of advice and reassurance.
Firstly, I think you are being very mature about everything to do with this and I think, circumstances considered, you are handling everything well. It cannot be easy to try and deal with your own emotional turnmoil and that of your mom too...and there is only so much that you yourself can take before you crumble...so this is something that needs to be addressed and addressed as soon as possible.
I completely understand what you mean about you do love your mother but at this moment in time you feel like you are a burden to her but I do not think this is the case. I think that she has a lot of pent up anger and confusion and isn't sure what to do with it all...so she turns to you and takes it all out on you. The words she says to you and things she says to hurt you aren't really about you at all or how she really feels about you...it is her trying to put into words how she feels about everything that has happened to her but she may not know that. This type of behaviour, where we take things out on those closest to us is common, but it is more common when we have lost someone who we used to be close to because we have lost a part of our lives...and when that happens, we can only blame those who are still here and who we can still you...that happens to be you.
It is not an easy thing to have to put up with and rather than you being a burden to your mom, at this moment in time, I think she is being the burden to you. You obviously have your own things to deal with and she has hers, but she is not helping herself or you by constantly making you feel bad.
I do genuinely believe that most of this is the result of the death of your father and it could just be that she is not coping. Some people can go through life seemingly able to deal with things and then there comes a point where they just snap and crack under the pressure (this can happen years later); other people let things build up before exploding...and some people just crumble from the start. If you mom did not recieve any counselling after the death of your dad, then it could be that this is exactly what she needs, bereavement counselling. This counselling would help her come to terms with your dad's death years ago, but it will also help her to see that there is a life to be lived and that she has to live it. It may solve all of the problems or it may solve none, but it can only help. But if she is to go into counselling, she will have to do so willingly and because she wants to.
If you explain to her how serious things are and how much she is hurting you, you may be able to use this as an excuse to get her to consider counselling or to go to see a doctor to get an expert opinion. It could be, that like you, she is suffering from depression and this could again be the cause of mood swings and the way that she is treating you. If this is the case and the doctor thinks it is worthwhile, they could prescribe prozac or recommend counselling and if they do, then your mom would be best advised to attend.
At the end of the day you are only 15 and there is only so much you can take and handle and if this is getting too much for you, then no-one is going to think any less of you for trying to get some help or trying to get yourself out of there. You have done a big and positive thing in contacting me and it shows me that you genuinely are concerned for your mom and for yourself. In terms of actually getting out there, unless there is a friend or relative that you could stay with for a break (even if it is only a couple of days), you may have to consider contacting the welfare services (either through school or through the telephone book) and asking for their advice as they can assess your needs and your moms and then discuss with you both where you need to go and what you need to do.
Your health and your safety is paramount and if you do not feel safe, you do not feel happy, then you have to take steps to make sure you do things in your best interest. Some of these decisions may not be easy to make and you may face a difficult journey; but you have to ask yourself whether or not you can really put up with this much longer and if the answer you come to is 'no', then I strongly recommend you seek help, not just for your mom's sake, but for your own.
