AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question Hi,I had a boyfriend for a year and a half after about a year and 3 months of us being together I find out my so called best friend was trying to have sex with him. One night she has a party and me and my ex boyfriend go, after we left the party my ex went back and kissed her. It has been almost 9 months since I broke up with him and now my ex and my ex friend are together and he live 2 houses away from me so I see them all the time. I have a really great boyfriend right now but it hurts me to see them together. How can I move on?
Answer Hello there Taylor,
Thank you for sharing your problem with me and I am sorry for the delay in getting back to you.
I am sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time with things at the minute, but you are not alone in what you are feeling and I think it is a positive step that you do want to move on and move forward; this will help you in the long run.
It is difficult when the two people closest to you betray you like they have done to you, but it's even harder to bare when you are watching them live their life in front of you...it is going to be hurtful and painful, but at the end of the day, you are out of there and whatever each of them do is not your concern anymore...concern yourself with your life and where you are going...afterall, if your ex has done to you what he has with your ex bestfriend, what is to stop him doing the same to her? You are better off out of that relationship and you are a stronger person for coming through it.
The first step in moving on is to gain closure...this means making sure that anything that needs to be said is said and that you feel like you have nothing more to have to say for you to need to talk to them. Although it's been nine months since you split up, you may still have a lot of questions or a lot of anger in your mind and it is important that you get rid of this. The easiest way is to write a letter (that you won't send) to your friend and to your ex (individually) and write the letter as if they were going to read it and you were being brutally honest. Get everything out in this letter about how hurt you feel, why you feel hurt and what you expected and didn't expect from both of them. It doesn't matter how long or how short it is, get everything out, put them in an unmarked envelope and then keep them safe but out of view. This will mean that everything is officially done and dusted and when you feel ready enough to rid your life of both of these, then throw the letters away, symbolising that fact that everything is over.
Secondly, understand that you have been hurt in the past but it doesn't mean you'll get hurt in the future. Give this guy you are with the benefit of the doubt and let him show you why you deserved to be loved and just why you are a nice person. Enjoy being in a relationship and spending time together and do all the sorts of things that couples do together. You may not love this guy, even though he may love you, but it could be you grow to love him and if not, it could just be he becomes a good friend in the future. But do not expect things with this guy to be the same as your last relationship, it won't be, and sometimes we need to adapt and change to make ourselves happy. It could be that if your ex was the first love of your life that you will always love him, but that love may not be returned and you could end up shutting genuinely nice guys out because they are not him and you do not want to do this.
Thirdly, when you look at your friend and your ex boyfriend together, of course you are going to feel hurt, but try and look past all of that emotion to think 'well we had a good time, but this time, I'm going to have a better one' and use this as an excuse to do all the things you never did when you were with him that you wanted to, even if it is only something like going for a walk. As harsh as it seems relationships are about trial and error and finding out what works for us and what doesn't; it is also about being selfish enough to make sure we get out of every relationship what we actually want, regardless of what this is.
It is important that you take any photographs or reminders of your ex and your friend down and put them out of sight. Do not throw them away, but store them away. In time, you should be able to look at them without any sort of feeling and that is when you know you are officially over both of them. But in the meantime, get them down, get them out of sight and this will stop you thinking about this guy any more than you have to.
Remember that as much as you loved your ex, he is one guy in a world of billions and there will be thousands of people better than him waiting to snap you up and show you the things he can't or wouldn't. He is just one guy and regardless of how special you think he is, he isn't. You love him and that's a given, but you have a lot of love to give, do you want to give it all to one person when there are so many others waiting to give you theirs in return?
Moving on takes time and is not easy. It can take months, days, weeks, or even years for someone to get over their ex and there is no right or wrong way of doing it. It is about desensatising yourself to your ex and not feeling like a bowl of jello everytime you see him. You had him, you loved him but now he's lost out because you should be such a stronger and more confident person and he won't see that because he made the wrong decision.
Follow the steps I have taken and hopefully, moving on will be that little bit more easier and smoother and you will become just that little more happier with your new relationship, your new direction and the past that happens to live two doors down.
