AboutLouise Expertise I can answer a variety of questions. I am not a fortune teller so I can not of course predict the future. I can however make an educated guess based on information received and from past experiences.
Experience I've been married for 18 years and I have three teenagers. One daughter and 2 sons. We've dealt with a variety of issues universal to most teens.
Education/Credentials Life that is an experience the ride is not always smooth but if you fall down you get back up and dust yourself off and do it all over again.
Expert: Louise Date: 7/24/2008 Subject: 20 year old son
Question QUESTION: Hi,
I am a single mom of a 20 year old son. He is in college at a community college and is not living in an apartment near the college (about 15 miles from me). He recently got into some trouble with the law and was convicted of a felony for carrying a controlled substance (a prescription drug called Zanax - its an anti-anxiety prescription). He told me that his roommate gave him the pill and said to take it when you are drinking. How stupid can these kids be!!! Well, its a felony to have this drug if its not your prescription so my son was charged with a felony. I just want to get your opinion of this issue. I am going to help get my son out of jail and help him through this issue. I feel like this is what I want to do. I feel like everyone thinks I should just be tough about it but when I went to see him in jail, he was crying. What do you think? Thanks.
ANSWER: Hi Peggy,
Well as a parent I can understand your dilemma....No parent wants to be told by others that their parenting is wrong or how they choose to deal with certain situations that arise is wrong......
However, sometimes we have to focus on the bigger picture....
For instance you are a single mom and have a 20 year old son so I assume he's an only child......You have to consider if you are handling the situation the way you are because he has always been a good son and after 19 years of following the rules made a mistake OR Has he always got into trouble here and there but as a single parent he is not only your son but also a friend and you have a bond that you don't want to ruin......
I don't know you or your son BUT I do know that once teens hit college they have this type of anything goes attitude especially once they leave home........At 20 he is no longer a child or even a teen for that matter....He has a future he needs to think about you may think ok I bailed him out he learned his lesson but has he? Are you going to bail him out each time he gets into a jam? Actions have consequences....
I know that I hate seeing any of my kids in tears BUT I also know my kids know this too they pull on my heartstrings and I give in....At times except when their actions if left unchecked could cause them harm or harm to others....
Your son is your child but he isn't a child himself he is a young man.
He needs to be held accountable for his actions he could have killed himself or another person or another family if he was driving while intoxicated or high on drugs whether it be this drug or any other drug.....
I'd rather have my child alive and angry with me for awhile rather than not having them in my life at all because they were no longer alive.........
Your son will be 21 soon and he will be able to buy whatever type of alcoholic drink he wants to if he is going to drink he needs to do so responsibly. OR he could be behind bars once again......Next time though the situation could be much worse.....
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QUESTION: Thanks for your reply. I do have another child, an 18 year old daughter who is also in college. Both of my kids have been hard to parent and have thought they are "21" for a long time. I think I am struggling with being a parent and being a friend. I feel bad for both of my kids any time they have a failure and I can't help wanting to prevent failures if I can. Both of them have a very irresponsible dad and I just don't want them to turn out like him. I feel like its all I focus on and I have no time left for living my own life.
Answer Hi Peggy,
I can understand your situation.....Everything we buy comes with directions from a toaster to a car even shampoo......However, the most important item many have in their lives their children we do not have instructions/directions for we have guides but not all children grow up in the same type of environment so sometimes you have to take the guides as just that and change them to fit your needs......
I can tell you that your children need you to be a parent not a friend later when they marry and have families with children of their own they will want your advice at times....They will also want your friendship...
Well sometimes our kids have to make mistakes it's how they learn and we as parents have to sit back and watch and hope that we did right by them as parents....Children,teens, and adults alike will make mistakes nobody is perfect....
Since your children are 18 and 20 I think you should sit back and be there if they need you but you need to relax and make time for yourself....You have to grow as a person yourself before you can expect them to follow suit..Spend time with friends of your own go out and have a good time be responsible of course....After all your children will take your lead....I know you will get through this all and you will be fine......Your probably a great parent and you've probably done a great job with your kids.
As for their dad they are old enough to see who has been there for them and who hasn't....You shouldn't shoulder all the responsibility for their failures they need to be held accountable for their actions personal accountability has to be learned......
You can't live their life for them no matter how much you'd like too all you can do is guide them.....
