AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question Our daughter lives with us, she has continued to choose friends that aren't going down the right street. She is not a bad person but makes bad decisions. She is a follower not a leader. She went to com college for 3 semesters and decided it's not for her. She got in trouble about 3 months ago for possession of pot. One of the other girls with her has stolen from her, lied to her,and used her, but she still goes back to her for friendship. We are concerned that she is going to get in worse trouble next time. We pay for her cell phone, auto ins, lend her money and provide health ins. We are thinking about taking things away from her if she continues to hang with these bad friends. We are concerned she may leave and things could get even worse if we are not in her life. But right now, she does what she wants, so we think nothing is going to change unless we push the issue. Do we give her an alternative or just be there for her and hope for the best?
Answer Hey Steve,
Firstly let me apologize for the delay in getting back to you: I have been moving house and I have managed to move to the middle of nowhere where there is no Internet connection. To ensure that you do not wait a long time for a reply in the future if you contact me again, which I hope that you will do, I have set a vacancy period so that I can reply only when things are settled. Please accept my apologies and my gratitude for your patience.
Now then Steve, to your problem.
It sounds to me like your daughter has been caught up in the wrong crowd and that she is, as you have suggested, just getting swept along in all the negative behaviour and association that goes along with being involved in such groups. You do not want your daughter associating with theives and liars, those who smoke pot and hurt her...but at the end of the day, if they keep doing this to her and she keeps going back, there is only so much that you, as her parents, can do.
You are doing the right things by supporting her and by trying to get her away from them, but the thing that you have to be careful of is that you do not push her closer to them by trying to look out for her. Your daughter could be getting involved with these people because they are seemingly nice to her face and seemingly care for her, which could be something she has never had in a group of friends before. Because of this, she will not allow anyone to say anything bad about them and any attempt to tell her that her new friends are bad for her, will only serve to prove her point that it is them against the World and that no-one really understands them (or her) at all. This will ultimately mean that she picks her friends over her family most of the time and it could mean that she becomes more likely to continue to hang out with them and to get involved in negative behaviours. So how do you get her away from these people without expressing your opinion? It's difficult but it can be done.
Firstly, I think it is important that you lay down some ground rules. Your house, your rules and if your daughter does not want to abide by them, then she knows where the door is. This sounds harsh and sounds like you may be inviting her to leave, but what you are actually doing to setting boundaries for anyone that steps into the house and if these boundaries are broken or breeched, then everyone knows there will be consequences. By giving her the opportunity to leave, she will either argue with you and say that you can't kick her out, or she will pack up and leave (but she will be back within a couple of days once she has realized no-one will help her). Either way, you are putting down your authority. Never forget, that your family consists of more than her and whenever she has attitude or does anything negative it does affect every member of the family. Everyone else has a right to a life of stress free resolve and so does she, but if she doesn't want to make things easy for everyone, why should you put up with it?
The second thing I think you should do is to offer her an alternative, not: your friends or our money, but rather, something like, 'we will pay for your auto insurance and your cell insurance, but in return, you have to show us some respect and follow the rules of this house. This includes coming in at a reasonable time and doing your share of your chores and if you don't, then we will stop paying these things and you will have to pay them for yourself'. This says to your daughter, we love you, we will support you, but if you treat us like trash we are not scared to pull our money from you. If she is big enough and naive enough to mix with the wrong sort of people, then she is big enough to understand the consequences of her actions and those conseuqences on other people in her family.
I think it is important that your daughter is permitted her freedom but that you do remember, your house your rules, her life, her rules. Another words, you may be able to stop her from bringing people back to the house but when she is out with her 'friends' there is only so much you can do to ensure she is behaving. I think part of giving her the freedom she wants is to give her the benefit of the doubt and to think that in every situation, what you have taught her in terms of values and morales will come into play and she will make the right decision. She maybe temporarily naive to who these 'friends' are and what they really want, but there will come a turning point when she sees them for who they really are and it is at this point that she will go back to being normal and she will need her family the most.
Over the next few months stick closely with other family members and do not be afraid to exert your authority. It won't be easy and she will not give up her friends just because you say so, but if she understands that as long as she associates with them she can not be a full member of the family, she should back down.
Tough love is never easy but in situations like this with stubborn young people, it is usually the best approach. You have done the best you can do so far and you are doing brilliantly, keep it up, stay strong and don't lose your resolve...wait for her friends to slip up and if your daughter breaks the law with them, let her take the rap for what she has done: hopefully, all this will teach her a valuable lesson and she will become a better person for it.
