AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question My sister and I are nearly 12 years apart. I'm now 28 and she's turning 17 soon. I live a few hours from my parents, which is where my sister still lives. She's always been a super happy, fun kid and we've always been very close, especially b/c I sort of feel a "parental" obligation to her as well b/c of our age gap. However, for the past 6 months she's basically turned into a nightmare for our entire family. She is very well taken care for and gets pretty much most material things a teen could want. But, out of nowhere, she's started stealing from my parents, trying to run away and even got pregnant on purpose (she soon miscarried). As her sister I want to be there for her, however there's no way I can condone the hell she's putting my parents through. Her attitude has totally changed toward me as well and she doesn't understand why I don't support her as she seeing me as one of her "friends". So I'm totally confused. I dont' know how to treat her, I don't want to be her mother, I want to be a support to her, but I don't support her recent actions. So how can I be her "friend" without being a parent? I've told her how I feel about what she's been doing, but she lies to my face. I've tried yelling, I've tried reasoning. And all she wants to do is see me b/c she thinks she can get away with more, although she knows I will no longer allow it. What can I say to her to make her understand my position and frustration?
Answer Hey Randi,
Firstly let me appologize profusely for the delay in getting back to you. I appreciate that it took you time to write to me and to share your problem and I am so sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I have recently moved house to seemingly the middle of nowhere and it has been very difficult to get some internet access. But to ensure that people will not wait as long as you have for a response, I have set myself on vacancy until I can get near a computer in the future. I would like to thank you in advance and assure you that I respond within 24/48 hours usually.
Now then, your sister.
Firstly, a lot of teenagers go through a rebellious phase of changing completely and becoming more aggressive, more reclusive and seemingly more negative towards others and themselves. This change is caused hormonally by imbalances within the brain and body as hormones surge and then plateau out. This is not always the case for negative behaviours but sometimes, especially from about 13-18, could explain why behaviour changes so dramatically.
It is important to remember that whatever the cause of her change in behaviour that your sister is upsetting a lot of people and her behaviour is unacceptable with no excuse for it. Because of that, there is still the need to enforce discipline and lay out the boundaries for her not to cross. If she does cross these boundaries, your parents should not be afraid to take the relavent course of action to teach her a lesson. Your family will do her more damage by letting her get away with this negative behaviour than they would do by getting the Police involved to talk to her. As your sister becomes a young woman, she is also becoming an adult and has to understand that her actions have consequences that she is responsible for.
Remember also that as great a sister you are, you are her sister and not her mother and you do not need nor want to take any extra pressure she may be putting on you: it's not fair and it's not right. By all means, be her sister and be there for her as and when she needs you, but do not let her drag you into arguments or get you involved in things that you do not want to be involved in or become responsible for. You have already proved that you are a great sister and it sounds to me like you have not recieved any thanks for it, so the best thing you can do is say to her 'look, I'm here if you need to talk, if not, fine!' and then let her get on with everything. Stick with your parents and share your concerns with them. Ultimately, it is only when they have really had enough that they should consider the various courses of action.
If your sister wants to talk to you then she knows she can, but if she wants to lie to you and your parents, it will achieve nothing. I know you only want the best for her and you are frustrated that she won't open up, but she may be going through a tough phase at the minute that even she doesn't understand how to put into words or understand.
Continue to be supportive and encouraging and try to lead by example and get on with your life positively. Doing this may give her something to aspire towards and hopefully, she will snap out of this phase she is in.
