About Carly Millis Expertise I'd love to help answer any question. I'm very open - don't be afraid to ask about anything
“taboo”. I realize that every situation is different, and I don't think life has set "rules" ---
dating older people, sex before marriage or age 18, drugs, etc. I'm super honest, and I'll
tell it to you straight. I'll be as nice as I can, but I'm going to tell the truth. I know how
crazy life can be, and how everyone needs help. I want to offer my opinion to give you
something to think about, and maybe solve your issue. SIDE NOTE: I'm especially good
with talking about depression. I suffered from severe depression for about a year and a
half, so if you're currently going through one, I'd love to help.
Experience I'm currently a teenager, but I'm considered very mature for my age (by my peers, teachers, parents, etc.). For as much as this is worth, my friends always come to me for help, and told me to sign up to help people on this website. I'm not a professional expert, but I've been through a lot, I'm pretty intelligent, and I'm open. As previously mentioned, I suffered from sever depression for a long time, so I know a TON about that. I have a therapist, and I've learned a lot about the way people think/work from her.
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Expert: Carly Millis Date: 7/20/2008 Subject: my friend who is really upset
Question QUESTION: Today Stacy decided to get her closet even more organized than it already is so she took everything out of her closet and put them on her bed. As she was putting the itmes back in the closet the way she wanted she tried on one blouse and went in her mothers room to show her mom.
Stacy: “Mom isn’t this pretty”
Mom: “Yes”
Stacy: “This is a winter blouse. It will be beautiful with a turtle neck under it. I can wear it in the winter with a turtle neck and pants”
Mom: “You have to get a job to wear the clothes”
This got Stacy really mad.
Stacy: “Are you saying that I shouldn’t wear it if I don’t have a job”
Mom: “No, but wouldn’t it be nice if you had a job to wear them to”
Stacy: “Yes I would like a job, but I buy the clothes for me”
Stacy and her mom had a fight each saying nasty things to one another. Stacy was upset at the comment her mother made “You have to get a job to wear the clothes.” Yes Stacy wants a job, but she purchased the clothes to wear for herself.
My question: If the comment “You have to get a job to wear the clothes” was made to you would you automatically jump to the conclusion that the person was saying you don’t need the clothes unless you have a job and would you think they were saying that you should not buy the clothes for yourself or what would you think - details please
ANSWER: Well it all depends on the wording. I don't think Stacy's mom worded it quite right, because it makes it sound as though Stacy has no right to wear the clothes without having a job. However, from the other things you told me, I can see that her mom just wants her to have some place special to wear the clothes.
If I were Stacy, I would have snapped at my mom when she said that. However, if my mom explained that she just wanted me to have someplace nice to wear them (or that she was hinting at getting a job), I would have understood her reasons.
Do I think Stacy's mom worded it the best way she could have? No. However, I don't think it should have turned into a big fight. Stacy's mom meant well, and that just got lost under her improper wording.
I think it's awesome for Stacy to want to buy nice clothes for herself. She shouldn't feel bad about that. Nobody in this situation is wrong, but I think Stacey and her mom should talk about the whole "job" thing. That's clearly a bigger issue here than just the clothes. The clothing thing just manifested itself first.
So overall, I don't think Stacy's mom believes that Stacy should "only wear nice clothes if she has a job". I think she just worded things wrong at first. Also, I can tell that both parties are sensitive about the whole "job" thing. This particular argument may be about clothes, but it's just a cover for how each person feels regarding Stacy getting a job.
Tell Stacy to talk to her mom about getting a job, and see what her mom is feeling about the whole thing. Also tell her to explain to her mom that she appreciates nice clothes even if she doesn't have a job to wear them to. However, make sure she also tells her mom that she respects her mom trying to give her advice. Mom's like that. =]
I hope that helps!
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Can you help me with this:
BACKGROUND: Most of the time Stacy (54 years old) goes ALONE to the 99 cent store to buy the clothes. Sometimes she will go with her mom (in her 80‘s). When Stacy goes by herself she always comes home with the gorgeous stuff (items from Talbot’s, Old Navy, etc) and her mom loves the stuff that Stacy brings home. When Stacy goes with her mother her mother comments.
HERE ARE THE THINGS HER MOM SAYS (NOT ALL AT ONCE BUT AT VARIOUS TIMES)
(1) That is short, you don’t like short” (when they are at the 99 cent store)
(2)“Look it over to make sure it is in good condition” (when they are at the 99 cent store)
(3) “I only told you that it didn’t look good because you weren’t sure if you liked it or not” (when they are at the 99 cent store)
(4) “Even though it is gorgeous I like the other one better if I was going to wear it”(when they are at the 99 cent store)
(5) “I do love that turtleneck you picked out but thick turtlenecks bother me” (when they are at the 99 cent store)
(6) “I only told you what I thought because you asked me if I liked it or not” (when they are at the 99 cent store)
(7) ““But you don’t have to be obsessive. I mean it isn’t like you don’t have anything to wear”” (AT HOME)
(8) “You just went” (AT HOME)
(9) “You are not working right now you have to be careful with your money” and her mom will first say that the 99 cent store is NOT included and then when they fight her mom includes the 99 cent store.
(10) Aren’t you going to be hot in that blouse. It is going to be a hot summer day
(11) Well what you are wearing is not nice. I cant let you go out of the house like that”*she said this when they were fighting
(12) People should wear what is appropriate for the weather” she said this when Stacy said well what would happen if I wore a material that might not be cool for the summer
(13) Buy what you want, and I buy what I want but you don’t have to talk about it.”
(14) I buy the food, and I am supporting you. But do you realize you are rubbing it in
(15) I am working I cannot go to the 99 cent store or Kohl’s or any place like that to shop. You are home and shopping. I mean you talk about shopping constantly. I don’t want to hear it anymore
(16) I don’t care what you buy but you don’t have to talk about it. They are pretty but again I don’t want to hear about it. When you get a job you can talk to me about your job
HOWEVER, WHEN STACY GOES BY HERSELF THIS IS WHAT HER MOTHER SAYS WHEN STACY COMES HOME:
(1) “I love what you got - I want it.” (AT HOME)
(2) “I love that and I am going to take that from you” (AT HOME)
(3) “Get me that” (AT HOME)
STACY AND HER MOM WILL SAY THE FOLLOWING WHEN THEY ARE AT THE 99 CENT STORE:
(1) “Mom you always make comments” which her mother replied: “I am allowed to say something and I am allowed not to like something”
(2) “Mom I feel you would have said something about the ones you loved that I brought home if you had come with me on those outings here” which her mother replied “No I wouldn’t have because they are beautiful. And it is your problem if you feel this way, not mine”
(3) Her mother also says “You really lack self-esteem”
(3) Her mom also says “You know Stacy sometimes you tell me you don’t like an article of clothing I buy, but if I really like it you could stand on your head and I wouldn’t care if you liked it or not because I do.
SO MY QUESTION: (1) DO you think Stacy is overreacting to the comments her mother makes; (2) DO you think Stacy’s mom would have made comments about the items Stacy brought home If her mom had gone with Stacy on those outings?
ANSWER: Okay woah, before I answer any of this, I need to verify the ages. You said Stacy is 54, and her mom is in her 80s. Is that correct?
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Yes. Stacy is 54 and her mom is 82.
Answer If Stacy is still living with her mom when she is 54, she shouldn't be worrying about her clothing. She needs to concentrate on getting a job and supporting herself.
I don't think I can be much help here. Stacy is acting like a teenager at 54, and that isn't something that can be fixed on a case-by-case basis.
Her mom is being a mom, and after 54 years with her, Stacy should realize that. I don't know why Stacy is still living at home and acting like a kid, but that isn't healthy.
