AboutDaryl Taylor, BSc(Hons) Psychology Expertise As a former youth worker, working in the UK and as a Camp Counsellor in the US, I have volunteered and helped young people from all over the world. I have worked for two or three websites like this in the past since I was about 13/14 and I continue to do so now at the age of 23. I can answer problems on a whole range of issues from friends and family, to drugs, sex, alcohol and relationships etc.
Experience I have worked as a youth worker for local organisations, volunteered on this and other websites giving out information for about 8 years, volunteered at my college and university doing face to face counselling and I have recently worked for an organisation in the UK which specialises in helping young people aged 13-19 to make positive decisions in their lives. I have featured in a UK based magazine called Aim Higher as a case study to show triumpth through adversity and I have recieved an Adult Learner's Award for my pioneering work at college.
Question Im 16, umm where to begin...okay my parents have been divorced since i was little, and sure like every child i took it hard. I got over it and i survived it's not the end of the world, i lived with my dad for alittle bit and it was fun, it was like the father-daughter relationship you'd see in a movie! I was happy and as far as i knew he was too. Until well my father met someone, i wasn't jealous at all actually not even alittle and then the day they got married changed my life forever...she absolutly hates me with a passion and well i'm not to keen on her either i decided to move in with my mom. I don't make a big deal out of it like kicking and screaming and saying i hate you (she does). Soon every weekend visit became every other and then every 3 weeks, after that it was whenever we both could put our lives on hold and see each other. He later had 2 children and i loved the feeling of being an older sister but then that feeling became "oh we need a babysitter this weekend call your daughter" im mad so i just pushed those feelings away and remembered i only had one father. Oh no but wait turns out this guy isn't my dad wow so my mother lied to me for 16 years and now i know why he never loved me or hugged me the way he did with his other children! Fine whatever your not my dad i'm over it, but one night i was on facebook talking to my cousin (his niece) she said to me "oh have you heard the new drama about the family" me being totally shut down from his family and was the "mistake" said no and was so mad, they had seperated temperarly. 12:00am i get a 4 page email from my step mother telling me how i should be begging him to love me, how ungrateful and small i'am, oh and i should be thibking of how to repay 2 strangers who have aid me in my and did'nt have to, so babysitting is okay but only if i'm repaying them. Okay i never asked him to be my dad so he made that decision, he should be a man and talk to me face to face if he doesn't want a relationship with me not email me! I'm balling and upset i usually don't cry i surpress my feelings and do the unhealthly thing. Then i get an email from my dad and i just emailed him saying how i don't want to talk about this by email and i told him that he needs to make a decision, "either be in my life because you want to, or don't because you can't make a phone call once a week" after that he has'nt talked to me or emailed me so once again not only does my real father walk out on me so does the man i knew to be. I'm not good enough for my first one and i messed things up with my second... oh and to top it all off my boyfriend is mad at me because apparently "im pushing him away, im locking him out, i don't trust people". I was a straight A student and now i don't know who i'am anymore, or what i want. I'm now in the high 50's i give up on everyone including myself, i just want to sleep forever maybe a coma would be nice, thats not all though my boyfriend is mad because of something that happen a long long time ago with my dad (not a topic i'd like to discuss) but anyways sorry about going on like this...i just need advice, i need someone to say it's okay when it's not.
thank you.
Answer Hey Heather,
sorry for the delay in getting back to you, I am in the middle of moving house and as you can imagine, there are boxes everywhere. But it has given me extra time to think about your situation and hopefully, I can offer you some advice and reassurance.
Firstly, it must not be an easy thing to deal with when you love your dad so much and his partner is making you feel like you shouldn't even be around. You were and are more than just a babysitter and his partner is probably jealous that, real daughter or not, he is actually really close to you and she is threatened by that. Women in particular can be very vicious and protective when it comes to their men and this includes father-daughter relationships because a partner can never have the same unique bond and closeness that exists between father and daughter. Because of this, she will always resent you and put pressure on you, not for doing anything wrong, but just for being this guy's daughter. If she wants to make your life hell, then let her get on with it...she is the selfish, jealous, bitter and twisted one...not you...
I've talked about the father-daughter relationship and it may seem strange considering not only do you feel distant from your father, but you have just found out the very person who you thought was your dad, wasn't. Of course this is going to hit you hard and put a lot of questions in your head and it is not an easy thing to deal with...you have in essence been betrayed by your mom, by your dad and by anyone else that knew and you are bound to be feeling gutted. But as you mentioned, you can probably look back and it can explain a few things that maybe you never understood. A father is a father not because he fertilizes an egg, but because he offers you the support and encouragement you need to grow into a positive person. So as long as you love this guy, it shouldn't matter to him or you that he is not your real dad, and it can, in fact, make you closer if you let it.
When your real dad left years ago this was nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong, you didn't deserve it and you are not being punished. Your dad walked out not on you, but on his relationship with your mom and that should not detriment his relationship with you if ever you want to find him. Remember, your mom's relationships are nothing to do with you, so if they break down, it's not your fault.
It's never nice hearing gossip about you within the family but you have to just let them get on with it and put all your energy and emotion into school and getting back to being an A grade student. If you don't, and you allow yourself to get too distracted you may end up not only hating your family, but also hating yourself for missing out on the opportunity to do well. You have a lot of anger and angst which you can channel into your work. I think it is also a good idea for you to start keeping a journal and documenting your thoughts; getting everything you feel down in writing. You will find that this helps not only to organise your thoughts but to get things off your chest and it will help you to feel less angry.
I would never tell you everything is going to be OK when obviously there is a lot going on around you that you cannot control; but you have to take a positive out of a negative and if anything, rather than having just one dad, you've got two...and some people don't even have one. Love them or hate them, they are still your parents and you are still loved but this must be awkward for everyone including you and no-one really knows how to act. If you begin to talk to your mom and your dad about how you are feeling and why you are feeling (put it in an e-mail if it helps), then they can understand what, if anything, they can do to help you sort out where you need to be.
Stay positive and don't let people get to you and hopefully, your World will start to rebuild itself around you.
