About Carly Millis Expertise I'd love to help answer any question. I'm very open - don't be afraid to ask about anything
“taboo”. I realize that every situation is different, and I don't think life has set "rules" ---
dating older people, sex before marriage or age 18, drugs, etc. I'm super honest, and I'll
tell it to you straight. I'll be as nice as I can, but I'm going to tell the truth. I know how
crazy life can be, and how everyone needs help. I want to offer my opinion to give you
something to think about, and maybe solve your issue. SIDE NOTE: I'm especially good
with talking about depression. I suffered from severe depression for about a year and a
half, so if you're currently going through one, I'd love to help.
Experience I'm currently a teenager, but I'm considered very mature for my age (by my peers, teachers, parents, etc.). For as much as this is worth, my friends always come to me for help, and told me to sign up to help people on this website. I'm not a professional expert, but I've been through a lot, I'm pretty intelligent, and I'm open. As previously mentioned, I suffered from sever depression for a long time, so I know a TON about that. I have a therapist, and I've learned a lot about the way people think/work from her.
Organizations Latin Club =]
Education/Credentials High school senior (class of '09)
Awards and Honors Well, I consider it an honor that all my friends come to me for advice. They've complimented me many times. I don't mean to brag, though! I just want you to know that people trust me.
Question Help! I have a bright, wonderful 17 year old daughter who has been dating a 17 year old boy for 8 months. He is a drug dealer and problems and now is planning on going to her school and living nearby. We have a good relationship with our daughter and have advised her the dangers of being with him. Both pretty good students and my daughter also works and keeps her room nice. For several reasons, including him and his lesbian's mother's drug dealing, we will not allow him into our home any longer. My question is: do we just let nature take its course and hope that she sees through him and continue to talk to her about him or suffer through their senior year constantly dealing with him and his poverty and problems while we are trying to get our "in love" daughter on the right path? This is her second relationship and while she is trying to "change him" we've suggested that she add up all the positives and negatives and come to her own conclusion. Help!
Answer Wow, this is a tough call!
I think the most important part is to make sure your daughter is safe. It isn't as much about the "relationship" as it is her being "safe." You don't want her to get into drugs or anything like that because of him.
The truth is, they're 17. If you try to break them up, they'll just sneak out together behind your back. If I was in your place, I would definitely have a hard time dealing with this relationship, but I don't think there is a whole lot you can do.
It sounds like your daughter is mature and smart -- like she'll be able to avoid all those negative influences. I think the most logical step would be to sit her down and let her know that you're worried about her, but that you don't want to have to break up the relationship. Also, tell her that you don't disapprove of her boyfriend; you disapprove of what he DOES. Even if you want to break up the relationship and you don't approve of her boyfriend, she won't respond well to those. If you're able to address your concerns without making her feel as though you hate her boyfriend (even if you do), that'll make things go smoother.
If there are certain things you don't want to deal with about the guy, you should let her know. Not allowing him to come to the house is an example of that. You let her maintain the relationship, but you set boundaries that you're comfortable with. You could make new rules, like making sure she calls you every few hours when she's out with him. If she complains about the rules, tell her that she can either follow those rules, or break up with him. You as a mother have the right to make sure your daughter is safe, and you two should be able to compromise so you both are satisfied with the situation.
I'm sorry, but I think you'll just have to, as you said, "let nature take its course." Breaking them up wouldn't solve the problem, as your daughter might continue to see him behind your back, and she might grow to resent you. Setting limits makes the relationship work for both of you. Also, be SURE to explain to her why you're setting these limits. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: TELL HER THAT YOU TRUST HER, BUT YOU JUST WORRY. If she feels that you don't trust her, she'll be insulted and won't respond well to you. She sounds like a responsible kid, and you should tell her that you realize that. Tell her that you trust her to make the right decisions, but you're still afraid nonetheless.
She has to be free to realize her own mistakes. She'll be a better person because of it, and won't resent you later on. She'll eventually break things off with him, but you have to let HER be the one to make that decision. My mom likes to protect me from making mistakes, but I've insisted that I NEED to make those mistakes so I can learn. If she just tells me what she learned from a mistake, it isn't the same as making it myself. I know this is difficult, because it's so clear to you that she shouldn't be with this boy, but it's up to her to eventually come to terms with that.
You're a great mother for wanting to resolve this without immediately wanting to break things off. I'm sure if you explain all of this to her, she'll understand (especially if she's as smart and responsible as you say). HOWEVER, don't tell her that you "want her to make her own mistakes." Don't make her think this relationship is a mistake (even if it is). It's up to HER to decide that for herself.
She'll eventually realize she can't change him, and that he's not right for her. Until then, just make sure she's safe, and respect her choices. Things should work themselves out.
NOTE: If they are not separated by the time she goes off to college, I would step in and break it up THEN.
I hope that helps. The best thing to do is just talk everything out with your daughter. She'll appreciate a discussion much more than a command, and will be glad that you respected her enough to communicate.
