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You are here: Experts > Teens > Teen Advice > Teenage Problems > 12yr old daughter.
Expert: Dan - 10/30/2009
Question
QUESTION: Hi,
My wife and I are currently having trouble with our 12yr old daughter. Well she is my step daughter. She is having problems turning in her homework and discipline doesn't seem to help or phase her what so ever. She is spoiled rotten. Her and I have had issues like most step dad/daughters do. This has been an ongoing thing over the last 2 to 3 years. We have tried everything and nothing seems to work. Took stuff away that was important to her, grounded her, you name it. We are at a loss right now. She won't turn in her homework all the time, and now we are trying to make her do it and turn it in even if it is late and she won't get any points for doing it. Can you please help if you can? It would be very much appreciated. Thanks in advance.
ANSWER: Hi,
List your state. Also can I recommend Parenting Teen expert James Windell here. Also can I ask her hobbies and also have you talked to her doctor?
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi,
State is Missouri. Her hobbies include, drawing, listening to music, typical 12 yr old stuff, I guess. Playing softball and soccer. No we haven't talked to her doctor. Why?
ANSWER: Hi,
Does she still see her biological father? Was it a bad divorce? When did it happen? Did she like the fact that her mother married you? Do you have a good relationship with her on average?
I don't want to jump right in and say what I think, but a possible is some type of "depression". This is very common and some signs you posted above, could hint to someone that it is depression. The word depression is thrown away, so I don't want to right away say it's depression, but I must ask that you see her doctor and have them test her. If it is, treatment is out there. If it's not, your doctor can hint at other things.
I don't want to get too much into this as it's tricky, but you can use "art" to help repair her homework issues. It depends on exactly the subject, but art can help you connect her to her class work. We can talk more about this, but her school can also help.
Please ask follow ups
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Yes she does see her biological father. He's not the best of person in regarding her and her brother for that matter. He will send them to their grandparents hous quite often, when it's his weekend or whatever. It was somewhat of a bad divorce. Just mainly cause I was in the picture. Happend roughly 5yrs ago. At first she like me just fine and still does on average. I may have just been to pushy with her, in some sense thinking or trying to be her full on dad, instead of more like a friend, someone she could come to to talk or help her, when her mom or her dad was mad at her. Her dad also talks a lot, meaning about me and her mom and how we met, always saying bad things about me or whatever.
Answer
Fred, the more you tell me the more I look at "stressors" and "depression". It's just a theory and really no one based on the above without even meeting this person can say "depression", but it's a good lead. "First you meet than you treat" is the old psychology rule. I'm not going to try to treat her, as I am not qualified to treat anyone with depression. But, the bitter divorce could be a big stressor. And having her father tell her you are "bad people" can cause a lot of stress for a 12 year old. This stress can easily cause depression, which causes her to "stop" doing homework, fail in school, have sleep problems, and the list goes on. Depression that is not treated can cause "death", which I would hate to see happen.
Here's James Windell's ask page:
http://www.allexperts.com/ep/863-23324/Parenting-Teens/James-Windell.htm
I also again recommend her doctor and also talking to the school. Do a depression test. If not depression maybe they can give you clues or leads. It may also be worthwhile to see a family psychologist with her.
Please ask follow ups
P.S. One idea is also art classes with her, showing you support her and want to be with her. This can help out, but is not a cure to depression. Can just help you connect. Another idea is a family vacation, but again not a treatment for depression, but can help. My theory is check into "depression", but I don't want to say it's depression just yet. It's just a theory.
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