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You are here: Experts > Teens > Teen Advice > Teenage Problems > my daughter
Expert: Deepak - 10/27/2009
Question
when my daughter was growing up we had a wonderful relationship, but as soon as she turned 12 all of that changed. i cant even say hi to her because she lashes out at me. she had alot of anger, takes it out on me and her younger siblings. she not only is angry but she disobeys the rules i have set in my household. All i ask of her is to go to school, and be a good student. but my daughter instead bunks, and comes home late. when i try talking to her she yells and doesn't allow any one to put their two sense in. i try talking with her, her father tries talking with her but nothing seems to make her understand where we are coming from. She is very disrespectful and says hurtful things. she has told me that she hates me with all her heart, and if it was a life or death situation she would pick her father. she doesn't enjoy spending time with us, her family. she locks herself in her room as soon as she steps in the house. i have hit her to see if that would do anything, but it doesn't. nothing seems to phase her, she is currently 16 and im scared that she is going to get into the wrong crowd, and do something she will regret. i don't know what to do anymore with her. i turned to you, to see if you could help me get my little girl back. thank you for your time.
Answer
Hi veronica,
let me first acknowledge your commitment to your relationship with your daughter. I also want to share that I too have a daughter who is 18 and we are having a wonderful time.
What you are going through is not unusual and the relationship can be transformed provided you are committed. See first things first drop the conversation that there is something wrong in your relationship. It is just that things are not happening the way YOU would like them to happen and can they happen? the answer is who knows, all we can do is to be committed and give our best every moment, moment to moment and for sure relationship can blossom like ever before.
I would invite to visit your relationship with your mother too. In case there is some regret and repentance pending between two of you, just complete it. Forgive yourself and her too. In case my suggestion is not valid then proceed ahead.
See for sure there are few complaints your daughter has against all or some of you including( her life, mother, siblings ). some day just create a pleasant environment and talk to her.
1. Ask her to tell you all her complaints without debating about right or wrong
2. Tell her your complaints
3. What you had been thinking of her
4. How that has been affecting your relationship
5. Give up all that stuff in front of her
6. Create a fresh commitment to your relationship
7. forgive her truly from heart
See we all behave or react so to say depending on how situations occur to us. and what is responsible for this occurrence is our Past and meanings we have learned from the past and to top it all we live in huge prison of SHOULD BE AND SHOULD NOT BEs. Life is uncertain every moment, say yes to every moment and take powerful action without labelling your present moment. true power comes with unconditional acceptance and putting the best foot forward.
Your daughter was doing every kind of non sense when she was small (2-5 yrs types) and you loved it all, did it all, but now why are you caging her self expression labelling it by shoulds and should nots.
when ever there is a conflict of opinions ( she is grown up and needs to have her own set of opinions else you will call her a lunatic if she starts thinking exactly the same as you think) just give her the space to express her self listen to her, tell her your opinion and agree to what suits you both the most, don't react by getting angry or forcing your opinions on her. still if you both cannot at all concur at one agreement just ask yourself what are you committed to "YOUR DAUGHTER OR YOUR OPINION"
Feel free to mail me at dsoni.ds@gmail.com
God Bless
Deepak
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