Expert: Jonathan - 10/29/2009

Question
QUESTION: Thank you so much for taking the time to read this :)
So, I'm basically in a relationship with my dad where it has gotten physical. Physical as in hitting or slapping. I'm about 2 months into the 11th grade and it all changed about a year ago. About a year ago my dad has gotten a new girlfriend and she's very nice and everything it's just I feel bad because my dad puts on the biggest mask around her. I've warned her that she doesn't see the real him and it just doesn't seem this lady can take a clue. Don't get me wrong, I love my father and I want him to be happy of coarse. It's just that in this situations there are kids involved. I have 2 younger brothers they're 10 and 12. My dad's girlfriend has 3 kids, 10,13, and 15. They just previously lost their dad and my heart goes out to them. I just don't want them to be subjected to my dad's behavior once we move in with each other.Okay, let me get down to it. My dad freaks out all the time. I can willingly say that I'm not a bad kid.I don't drink and I think drugs are so stupid and I don't sleep around and I respect people and myself. Sure I've made mistakes just like everyone but I help out around the house babysitt when ever I'm asked. I've basically put on the mommy role and all the inquirments especially the mental abuse.I'm like a mother to my brothers because it's hard not having a mom live with you when you're that young ( We live in Alberta Canada and about 3 years ago my mom left us to live in Phoenix Arizona USA). I just don't know what to do. It's not your typical parent teenage feud it's very serious and the police have been involed but have done absolutly nothing. I was very shocked. I want to ask if I ligally am aloud to leave when he is yelling at me. I'm 16 and I have had to take all this responsibility and it's so hard I don't know what to do anymore. He talks so low towards me sometimes. Words like you're Pathetic, and jelouse come out of his mouth. What would I be jelouse of? He's ligit screwing up his relationship with his kids and it's going to come back at him. I'm going to move out after graduation but I fear for my brothers because they will under go this. Already they under go thi and I cry because I just want them to be safe. I love my brothers more them myself and would do anything for them. Please help me. P.S sorry for the huge message.

ANSWER: Hi Selena,  I will make some comments in capital letters so you will easily see them.. Im not shouting



So, I'm basically in a relationship with my dad where it has gotten physical. Physical as in hitting or slapping. I'm about 2 months into the 11th grade and it all changed about a year ago.IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR DAD IS NOW SEEING YOU AS A RIVAL SINCE HE NOW HAS A GIRLFRIEND.  I WOULD NORMALLY EXPECT THE NEW GIRLFRIEND TO SEE YOU AS A RIVAL.  PERHAPS YOU REMIND HIM OF YOUR MOM SINCE YOU ARE HIS DAUGHTER.

About a year ago my dad has gotten a new girlfriend and she's very nice and everything it's just I feel bad because my dad puts on the biggest mask around her. I've warned her that she doesn't see the real him and it just doesn't seem this lady can take a clue. Don't get me wrong, I love my father and I want him to be happy of coarse. It's just that in this situations there are kids involved. I have 2 younger brothers they're 10 and 12. My dad's girlfriend has 3 kids, 10,13, and 15.ARE THEY ALL BOYS OR ARE SOME OF THEM GIRLS?

They just previously lost their dad and my heart goes out to them. I just don't want them to be subjected to my dad's behavior once we move in with each other.Okay, let me get down to it. My dad freaks out all the time. I can willingly say that I'm not a bad kid.I don't drink and I think drugs are so stupid and I don't sleep around and I respect people and myself. Sure I've made mistakes just like everyone but I help out around the house babysitt when ever I'm asked. I've basically put on the mommy roleIN SOME ODD SORT OF WAY PERHAPS YOUR FATHER SEES YOU AS HIS SUBSTUTUTE WIFE AND NOW THAT HE HAS SOMEONE WHO CAN REALLY TAKE UPON HERSELF THE ROLE OF WIFE, HE IS COMING DOWN HARD ON YOU.

and all the inquirments especially the mental abuse.I'm like a motherYES YOU ARE INDEED

to my brothers because it's hard not having a mom live with you when you're that young ( We live in Alberta Canada and about 3 years ago my mom left us to live in Phoenix Arizona USA). I just don't know what to do. It's not your typical parent teenage feud it's very serious and the police have been involed but have done absolutly nothing.THEY KNOW THAT CHILDREN (MINORS) REALLY HAVE NO RIGHTS UNDER THE LAW.  ITS THAT WAY IN THE US AS WELL.  AS A CHILD UNDER 18 YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS WHATEVER.

I was very shocked. I want to ask if I ligally am aloud to leave when he is yelling at me.I DO NOT SEE WHY NOT.  IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE AND GO TO A FRIENDS HOUSE OR TO THE LIBRARY OR SHOPPING MALL I WOULD DO SO RATHER THAN PUT UP WITH ABUSE.  IF HE HITS YOU OR SLAPS YOU OR USES A BELT ON YOU THEN THAT IS CHILD ABUSE AND YOU CAN GO TO WHAT IS CALLED IN THE US CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES AND TELL THEM WHAT IS GOING ON AT YOUR HOUSE.  IT MAY NOT GET YOU REMOVED FROM THE HOUSE BUT IT WILL PUT HIM ON NOTICE THAT HE I BEING WATCHED AND THAT A REPORT HAS BEEN MADE.  IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS YOURSELF THEN TELL A SCHOOL COUNSELOR AT SCHOOL THAT YOUR FATHER IS HITTING YOU AND SLAPPING YOU AND THEY SHOULD REPORT IT TO A CHILD PROTETION SERVICES AGENCY.  THEY WILL VISIT YOUR HOME AND INTERVIEW YOUR DAD AND YOU SHOULD BE THERE IF HE TRIES TO DENY IT OR MINIMIZE IT.  THATS THE TIME FOR YOU TO SPEAK UP.  YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ANYONE ESPECIALLY YOUR FATHER HITTING YOU .

I'm 16 and I have had to take all this responsibility and it's so hard I don't know what to do anymore.NOW YOU DO

He talks so low towards me sometimes. Words like you're Pathetic,TELL THE SCHOOL PEOPLE THIS ALSO OR CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES AGENCY THIS.  YOU ARE BEING BELITTLED AND HAVING HIM DAMGE YOUR SELF ESTEEM.  


and jelouse come out of his mouth. What would I be jelouse of? He's ligit screwing up his relationship with his kids and it's going to come back at him. I'm going to move out after graduation but I fear for my brothers because they will under go this. Already they under go thi and I cry because I just want them to be safe.IF HE IS HITTING THEM THEN YOU NEED TO TELL ABOUT THIS ALSO.  THE AGENCY WILL KEEP YOUR FATHER UNDER ITS MICROSCOPE AND KEEP IN CONTACT WITH YOU.

I love my brothers more them myself and would do anything for them.THEN SHOW THAT YOU CARE ABOUT THEM AND LOOK OUT FOR THEM.  THE WAY TO DO THAT IS NOT TO CALL THE POLICE BUT THE SOCIAL SERVICES PEOPLE.  THEY SHOULD INTERVIEW YOU AND ASLO YOUR BROTHERS IF HE HAS BEEN MISTREATING THEM. Please help me. P.S sorry for the huge message  BY THE WAY IF YOU MOVE OUT AFTER GRADUATION CONSIDER GETTING INVOLVED IN SOME KIND OF HEALTH CARE OCCUPATION LIKE AN EH OR LPN OR XRAY TECH OR MEDICAL LAB TECHNOLOGIST.  YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A PROBLEM FINDING EMPLOYMENT IN ANY CITY NO MATTER WHERE IT IS.  HOSPITALS ARE A THREE SHIFT SEVEN DAY A WEEK 365 DAY OPERATION.  THEY ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR RN'S AND LPN'S AND HEALTH TECHS.  
    IF YOU NEED MORE HELP OR DIRECTION THEN WRITE BACK.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: The 15 and 13 yearold are girls and the 10 year old is a boy, I really do think you hit it on the head with me being the replacement.

ANSWER: Hi Selena,  its not that unusual for a father to begin to treat his daughter as the substitute wife.  From what you have written and the way he is treating you ,I wonder if that is how he treated your mother and is that why she left?  Perhaps your mom could not take it anymore but its unusual for a mother to leave her children as well.  But perhaps he was tyranical and she felt she had to get away.  Thjis girlfriend probably has no idea of what she is stepping into.  Its also a possibility that he is attracted to this woman not because of her but some men will take up with a woman who has kids not for the woamn but so he can get at her kids.  The two girls could account for his interest in this woman.  You did not say if your father has ever tried anything with you but that is also something that a father without a wife will sometimes do. If something like this has occurred then you and your brothers can be removed from the house.  But the problem is , is where you end up going to be any better or will you be split up.  The government once they get involved in your life begins to take over your life and its difficult to get anyone from social service agencies out of your life. If you have other questions feel free to ask a followup.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: What do you mean by try anything on me? Forgive me if i'm wrong but are you implying that he has an interest in his girlfriends to girls like an attractive interest? If so then no he deffinatly does not at all. He's just so fake infront of them and he tries to look like a super nice guy granted, my dad can be a pretty pleasant guy, at times.

Answer
Ok as long as you say that.  But some men take up with women who have kids because they really want to get at her children.  In Long Island New York some years ago a mans wife died of cancer and after that he began to use his oldest daughter for sex.  She put up with it and he had a reputation as a nice guy and would help anyone and lend them money. But the girl once she saw her younger sister watching tv on his bed with her father sensed that eventually he would do the same with her so she had a male friend at school wait outside one morning and her friend shot him and killed him.  No one believed her of course and especially not her fathers mother.  They believed the girl had made it all up.  But it was a tv movie and it sure sounded like she was accurate.  But if he has no interest in that way in you then he may just be interested in this girlfriend.  She of course only sees his best side which everyone is careful to show people whom they are going out with.  Its only after people move in do they see the real person in all situations.  A good reason for long engagements so you get to see how someone treats their parents and others before you commit yourself to them.