AboutJonathan Expertise I have dealt with many young people in a teaching environment as well as in teaching young people at tennis clinics. Since younger people have seen so little of the world their view of the world should not be shaped by the confines of what happens within their family unit. Its natural to be shy about developing relationships outside the home but young people need to know the other person is also probably just as shy as they are. If you havea problem then remember you are in good company. There are no new problems. Someone else has also had the same problem. If you need ideas on how to handle them or some choices to consider feel free to ask. I will answer questions about moral issues and how to handle such issues when they come up in your life. Continue reading about the issue of bullies which can be physical, emotional or sexual as well as bullies who use the internet to spread stories about you. You do not have to be teenager to ask a question here on how to handle this. If you are a pre-teen or tween you may also ask a question here.
Experience I have taught children from 7th through 12th grade. It is all too common for young people to be shy or hesistate because they fear rejection from someone of the opposite sex. You do not have to be a teenager to ask a question here. If you are a pre-teen or "tween" as is commonly used now and are being "bullied" by someone and bullies can be other kids who hit you or as is becoming more common sexual bullying by name calling or spreading stories about you feel free to ask a question about what to do about it. There is also cyber bullying by people who may know you and there can be people who are pretending to be someone they are not who may insult you and try to destroy your self esteem. When you run into people who insult you its best to just block them and delete them or at the very least close down the messenger you are using. If anyone taunts you by calling you names or racial slurs or any slur that involves a persons sexual orientation you need to understand that the person doing that is trying to project their own questions about their own sexual orientation that they are questioning. This may sound complicated and it is. The people who are the most hateful in reality hate themselves and hate what they are desperately trying to convince themselves they are not (for example being gay or lesbian).
Question QUESTION: I'm a 13 year old girl who just recently has had guys starting to ask me out a lot. I'm going into 8th grade, the last year of middle school, and three people have asked me out this summer. I've turned them all down for a number of reasons, the most important one being that I don't want to date until high school. I can see that these boys are smart, but this dating doesn't lead to anything. Have you ever seen a person who married their "middle school sweetheart"? I'm not really allowed to hang out unsupervised, and only one of these guys goes to my school. Another reason why I'd rather wait is because these guys aren't really that mature either and the worst thing that could happen is that they would want to do something sexual like hand jobs or oral. I'm not doing any of that, no sex until marriage. It just seems to me that these relationships could mean more and lead to more (not sex but maybe a relationship that lasts beyond high school) if I let people ripen a bit. I know I'm not missing out on anything, but what should I do? And what if I like someone, what do I do with those feelings? Doesn't it seem unfair to say "I like you, but I'm not going to date you."? Please help me!
-Nia
ANSWER: Hi Nia, You show exceptional maturity and understanding for a 13 year old. I congratulate you. Some 13 year olds write and say they have been going out with a boy for two weeks and now they are ready to have sex. You have the ability to have a god influence on other girls your age and older. Now to answer your question. Yes ir sure seems unfair to tell a boy that you like him and then reject him. Boys do not deal with rejection very well at all. You cannot say for sure that you are not missing out on anything. If you like somone then admit it to yourself and then if the guys asks you and you like him what harm can it do to you? If the boy thinks he can take liberties with you tell him if that is what he is looking for then we are through. In short do not try to deny the feelings you have. If you are angey or upset then do not try to pretend you are not. If you like someone they do not pretend that you do not. Boys do not need handjobs or oral. They already masturbate n their own once or twice a day. You are not here to satisfy their sexual feelings. And you can tell them that upfront the first time they try to bring it up so there is ni misunderstanding. If the boys says he wants to break up because you will not then just tell him "so do I". If you want to play tennis with a boy and this is a good sport to learn because you can play it all your life. The best advice I can give you on how you feel about waiting until marriage for sex is to never compromise your standards. Young people today just do not semm to understand that the sexualy transmitted diseases of today were just not as prevalent a generation ago. No one ever heard of aids until 1981. I never heard of genital herpes in my school years. Now one in five adults is said to have it. Chalmydia is so common today that most boys and girls would not know they contracted it until they are tested for it. Any of these can severly limit your prospects for marriage in the future. In my workplace a man had a girlfriend and he was planning on getting married to her until he found out 18 months later she had contracted genital herpes in college. She concealed this fact. Once he confronted her she admitted it. The relationship ended. Sex is not love and love is not sex. They are not the same at all. Love is what really matters and is what committed marriages are based upon. Its ok to go out with a boy, hold hands, kiss and hug and talk and go places together. But its not ok to be with a boy alone at his home or yours or at someone elses home alone. And its never approprite to sit on a bed with a boy anywhere.If you want to know what love is like get a hold of a copy of The New American Standard version of the bible. Then look up in the book of First Corinthians, Chapter 13. These are the greatest words ever written about love that I have ever seen. You can read it in other versions but The New American Standard Version seems to say it best.
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QUESTION: Thanks for your really great answer. My favorite biblical writing on love is Song of Solomon, and 1Corinthians 13 is another favorite of mine as well. Just a few more questions, do you think dating is better in high school? Are boys more mature and do you think it'll be easier for me to find a mature person then?
Answer Hi Nia, I don't think dating is better in high school, it is just different since you both are somewhat more mature and are allowed more liberty by your respective parents. They may not have to pick you up or drop you off as in middle school. Most people do not seem to know that dating is a relatively new phenomenon in most cultures. When a boy wanted to "keep company " with a girl he would talk to her father or other adult male like an older brother if there was no father. The boy would visit her at her home but she would not visit him at his home. The two people were not left alone at all. This is like courtship and both parties were under supervision of the girls family. So you can see we have come a long way. Now we have girls calling up guys to ask them out, something that was never done. In middle school you can find some boys who are mature for their age and many that are still too childish to have an attraction to someone of the opposite sex. Such boys may make crude remarks to you or in front of you and you need to rule them out. Likewise any boy who broadcasts to his friends whatever you say to him or whatever you do even a kiss (these boys are not likely to become gentlemen anytime soon). If you are attracted to a certain boy and if he responds to you then I would say it was fine to invite him to an event or to a mall or movie or sports event. After one date you will be able to tell if you ever want to see him again. One word of caution is that do not think you are ever going to change a person. many a girl has married a guy with the idea that he wil change after marriage or I will change him. Its not going to happen. When you are with a boy at his home observe how he treats his mom and sisters and his father or brothers. If he treats his mom with respect and his sisters with respect then he will probably treat you with respect. This is why when you get married you do not just marry the person, you end up marrying the family. How he treats the females in his life is a good indicator of how he will treat you. I believe you are going to have feelings for boys in middle school and you should not try to deny them. Its ok to date a boy or more than one. You really need this experience as early in your life as you can get it so it will enable you to be able to make decisons and judgements later on in life especially when you want to select a life partner. Yes boys will be more mature in high school. Many will have learned a few things by this time. Will it be easier to find a mature one then? I cannot say. If you go after a boy who has had many girlfriends then you are likely to just be one more in a long line of them. If the boy is into drinking and taking drugs these behaviors will only get worse. I never liked anyone who drank a lot or smoked or took drugs. I ruled them out. Once you go out with enough boys you will get a sense about the kind of guy you are attracted to. And you will also get a sense about the kind of guy you are repelled by. Im not using that language in a negative sense just "as in magnetism terms" attracted and repelled. Of course there is a lot of truth in the saying "opposites attrqact". You may be very outgoing and yet you might be attracted to a boy who is sort of quiet and shy but nonetheless is a polite caring young man who puts you first in his life. Of course you may even fall in love with someone you are going out with. If you ask people who are "in love" , is there anything about this person you do not like? They will answer "no" " nothing". Thats how our minds are affected by the state of being in love. We are NOT in our right mind. Later if these people get married and hopefully everyone marries a person they are in love with, they find out later "he leaves his dirty clothes on the floor", or she kicks me in her sleep, or she cuts her toenails on the coffee table". So you just have to keep in mind that the perfect boy and the perfect girl have not yet been born yet in our lifetime. Every single boy you meet is going to have some faults just like yourself. I hope this helps you and if you have any more questions feel free to ask them.
QUESTION: Thanks for your really great answer. My favorite biblical writing on love is Song of Solomon, and 1Corinthians 13 is another favorite of mine as well. Just a few more questions, do you think dating is better in high school? Are boys more mature and do you think it'll be easier for me to find a mature person then?
