Expert: Dan - 10/22/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hey Cat, I'm an 18 guy and my dad just passed away two months ago and my mom's really not taking it well. She goes out drinking every night and leaves me to deal with my 5 younger brothers and 3 younger sisters. None of them are taking it too well. The youngest is one and the oldest apart from me is 14. They really need their mom but she just doesn't seem to care. She doesn't discipline any of them, like the other day, my 5 year old brother punched my 6 year old sister and she came crying to her and she told her to not be such a baby. So now I get to attempt to figure out how to get them to listen to me and stay in time out. I obviously don't put the older ones in time out but still. All of them give me the 'well you're not dad' line and go do whatever they want. At the same time, I have a full time job and a girlfriend who I really need some time with right now but my mom keeps yelling at me about how I can't because I have a responsibilities and I can't just go out and do whatever I want. It was actually our 4 year anniversary (since we started dating) last week and I tried to ask my mom if I could go out and just spend sometime with her and my mom starting talking about how I had to take care of my siblings because she never wanted so many kids, how it was my dad's fault and now she's stuck with all of us and how she can't take it and it's not fair. Then I tried to explain my self and she went off about how I'm just a stupid teenager and I don't know what love is and how she was with my dad for 20 years before he died and she had to spend all her anniversaries taking care of the kids HE wanted. I again tried to say something but she started crying and said that she just needed sometime away from her life and it just made me really angry because I feel like she's so withdrawn that she doesn't even have to do anything. I have to cook, clean, put everyone to bed, wake everyone up, drive them to school, pick them up, work, and still have time to go grocery shopping and all my mom does is come home from work and start drinking and sobbing in her room. I mean I get it, I feel like she does. I have a huge pit in my stomach and it just won't go away and it just keeps getting bigger and bigger every time I don't see him downstairs or hear his voice. I can't even describe how depressed I am. I everything I loved and had fun doing just seems pointless now. I feel like crying all the time and I just want a break! I've tried to tell her but she just starts screaming at me about how she lost her husband and her life doesn't have any meaning anymore and if I try to say something along the lines of, I understand, but I just lost my dad and I need some help fixing this, she'll act like I just smacked her in the face. I just feel like I'm about to break down and it's just not fair that she can go out with her friends and drink and have fun while I'm running on empty and doing everything by myself. Am I wrong for feeling like it's so unfair? Like is it really just what I need to do and I'm just being bitchy for no reason? I don't even know what's happening anymore. I'm just so emotionally drained here and my siblings don't need me, they need our mom and she couldn't care less. I really need my dad because he's the only one who was there for me through everything and always helped me when I needed it and now when I need him the most he's not there. I'm just completely lost here. What can I do?

ANSWER: Hi,
Talk to your doctor about depression. Get your mother professional help asap. I recommend a family psychologist also. Your mother drinking issue and depression are serious issues. I also recommend listing your state here so I can post a hotline for help. Contact child services ASAP. Please ask follow ups. If anyone was hurt, see the doctor asap.


The above post should be talked to with your doctor asap. So sorry about your father.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi, sorry it took so long to reply.
What do you mean by professional help? Like a therapist? I would, really, but my mom isn't exactly under my control. She maintains that there's nothing wrong with her and that pretty much everything is my fault. I know that she's kinda messed up at the moment and I've been trying to get her to do something, anything that would help her.
My state is pretty much the same. My mom was drunk for my little sister's birthday which broke my heart. My girlfriend and I are going through even more stuff because her mom wants her to stay with her but she likes staying with her dad and her mom lives two states over, which would me she wouldn't get to see me. We barely see each other as it is, so.
Do you really think there's need to call Child Services? Is it actually that bad? What would they do if I did contact them?

Answer
Hi,
What will child services do? It depends on your state and exactly what you report to them and what they can find out. If you want I can email a connection I have over here and they can list some "possibles". Based on the above, I do recommend talking to someone at child services and if needed file the report.


Professional help could be a family psychologist. It varies.


Based on a couple of comments above, I do feel you should talk to someone at child services in your state. If they agree with me, file the report. I also recommend your doctor and have them check into this.

Please ask follow ups. Let me know how it goes.