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Teenage Problems/Will this mind game work?


Dear Mr Taylor,

To start off, i want to say i don't like the term 'mind game'. Sounds so deceptive. But that's what it is apparently. So that's what it is. I'm from England.

Anyway, there's a girl who i adore, and always have. We've been in a long distance relationship for 3 years (she's in another country now), and eventually, she couldn't handle it, and she wanted to move on. Especially because she works everyday at school up to 9pm, and sleeps there. So she didn't really have time for me. Especially as it's our final year (we're both 18). So we split up, and she said it would be best if we no longer spoke, and moved on. But i won't. I will win her back again. No matter what.

So, i thought that this valentines day, i could order roses for her from a local florist in her country, with a poem for her attatched. In her native language and anonymously written, she'll wonder who it's from. But i'll include a few connotations and a few subtle hints about who it's really from, and that valentines day, she'll be thinking all about me, and whether if it was really me who sent it (though she'll be in two minds about it because it would be so long since we last spoke, and she told me that she wanted to move on, and it'll be in another's -the florists- handwriting).

The advantages of this are that:
1. She'll be thinking about me, therefore less likely to move on.
2. She'll be thinking more about me, therefore attraction could build again, and she could begin to miss me a bit.
3. She'll be thinking so much about this 'mystery gift', and our memories, that it would belittle all the other, more simple gifts she may receive from others.

2 months later, i will write a postcard for her, for her birthday. In that, i will write a poem, telling her that it was me who sent her the roses on valentines day. Then, in my poem, i will hint at the fact that i will visit her (for the first time in years, since we're now 18) this summer. Hopefully, this will fill her heart with curiousity, excitement and suspense. When i do see her again, all the ingredients should be there to light up the romance of our relationship again, and win her heart :)

Will this work? looking back at this, this can come across as stalker-ish/intimidating to some, and romantic to others. So i'm having second thoughts. What do you think?



P.s. I want to live with her. But i don't know how. I'll need to find money to live there and rent a place, and i don't have a degree. I'm thinking of either becoming an artist, or just stay a gap year with her. She means that much to me.

Hi there Ryan,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me and I hope that I can help.

From what you have described to me, it sounds like you have it all planned out and that you are really going to fight for this girl to notice you and want to continue the relationship that you have worked hard to maintain. By all means, give it a go and see what happens but I would just say to you to be careful that you do not put all of this effort in only to get hurt. It is good to fight for love but if you are the only person doing the fighting then you are fighting a losing battle and setting yourself up for a disappointment. If you do this, do so as an almost last ditch attempt and if she still decides then that she does not want to continue the relationship then maybe you will have to consider that this is her choice and all of the grand gestures in the World may not be able to change her mind.

If she does say that she wants the relationship to continue after this gesture then great! But if she decides to stick by what she has said previously, then you must not beat yourself up about it or think that it is because of something you have done or haven't done, it just could be that she is too busy or not ready to commit whole hearted yet. Either way, you have a right to want love and respect just as much as she does and if you are going through all of this to try and win her back, you are going to end up losing money, wasting time and feeling hurt; which is not fair on you.

Think about what we have discussed and then see if your plan works. There is nothing wrong with trying anything to get her to notice you but just make sure that you understand either of the possible outcomes and be prepared, if necessary, to accept defeat and walk away; otherwise, again, you will end up getting hurt.

I hope that helps.

Good Luck.  

Teenage Problems

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Daryl Taylor, BSc (Hons) Psychology, PGDip (pending certification)


My expertise covers everything and anything to do with growing up, being a teenager or a young adult or being the parent of one of the pre-described. I can cover issues on identity, sexuality, love, relationships, families, drug/alcohol abuse and anything and everything in between.


I have volunteered for for over ten years now, but even before that I was trying to use my experience to help others by working with, and even Lycos and Ask Jeeves. My experience comes from being a teenager primarily but this lead me to work with young people from the age of 13. I have worked front line, face to face and over the telephone, e-mail and webchat for a government department called Connexions UK (aimed at young people aged 13-19); as well as being student counselor in New York, a Peer Mentor, a student teacher and working for my school, college and University to help raise the aspirations of young people. My life has not been easy and I have been through my fair share of issues; so there is little that I haven't been through in reality opposed to just reading it from a book or from my academic studies. I have been featured as a case study as achieving through adversity for a number of magazines and I have featured in a couple of books on both sides of the Atlantic; even though I am UK based.

The Albert Kennedy Trust

Relationships: Cathy Senker, 2012, Raintree The Dean and Chapter Positive Nation GTEN Television Aim Higher

BSc(Hons) Psychology Post Graduate Diploma in Multidisciplinary Design Innovation Basic Counselling Skills Effective Listening Skills Mental Health First Aid

Awards and Honors
Outstanding Student achievement Adult learner's Award

Past/Present Clients Connexions Direct

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