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Teenage Problems/techniques/exercises /books to handle verbal abuse


With the terrible mistake I made of spitting on my neighbor, I will be moving to a different apartment building where I can get a fresh start.  I feel bad about what I did and this apartment no longer feels like my own place. My parents are upset with me for leaving but I know in my heart I am doing the right thing by leaving. The young woman will feel safer with me gone.  I am taking your advice Dr Lee over my parents. My neighbors verbally abused me, usually behind closed doors or as they were leaving their apartment.  Most of the verbal abuse came from his two daughters.
You wrote words can hurt but I have to be bigger than words. My brother's friend felt I had issues with anger management.  
When I hear verbal abuse starting up, what are techniques I can try to keep calm, cool and in control so I will be able to handle verbal abuse without getting angry or upset?  Do you recommend certain breathing techniques or exercises?  Are there also any books you recommend I buy to help me to better handle verbal abuse so I will not act out on my anger.  I do want to try to be bigger than words and I do not want to fail again at being a person in my new apartment building if I hear verbal abuse from other people.  I am afraid of failing at being a person again.  I want to be the bigger person.
It is always so nice to talk to you and I am so grateful for your help.
Thank you!

ANSWER: Hi Jeff,

Thank you for writing to me again.  I am glad to hear that you are moving to get a fresh start.  One technique that I use with my group is the 3 plus 10 rule.  You take 3 deep breaths through your nose and out of your mouth, then you count to 10 while concentrating on your counting.  Our human bodies cannot stay in turmoil and calmness at the same time.  The more oxygen that is in your body, the calmer you will be.  By using the 3 plus 10 rule you are replacing your anger with oxygen.  

As far as a good book to read to keep you relaxed, I would suggest the Holy Bible.  Anger in itself is not sinful.  It is what you do with your anger and how you respond to it that is both sinful and harmful.  You have complete control over how you react to each situation.  

Again, I would say to you to ignore what people say.  You are the bigger person.  You decided to move away to get a fresh start and I commend you for that.  People verbally abuse other people to make themselves look good.  

I need to ask you two questions. Do you read the Bible?  Do you believe in God? I do not wish to offend you in any way.

Dr. Lee

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you Dr. Lee for your helpful breathing exercise to help me stay calmer.  I do not read the bible but I do have a holy bible in my apartment.  I do believe in God and that everyone of us has at least one or more guardian angels.  I ordered a complete collection of 400 catholic prayer cards, with many of them saints with important prayers or quotes.  I also have several books on saints such as lessons from the lives of the saints by fr. Joseph Esper, the essential wisdom of the saints by Carol Kelly-Gangi and 52 saints to pray with by Jean Marie Hiesberger.
I also have 23 minutes in hell book by Bill Weise with DVD which is life changing.  There is a prayer on the DVD that everyone must say to get into the book of life.  I seldom go to church.
Where should I start reading in the bible to help me to relax with my anger issues?

Hi Jeff,

Thank you for writing to me again.  

Anger Management

Ephesians 4:26-27 ESV / 537 helpful votes

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

James 1:19-20 ESV / 492 helpful votes

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Proverbs 29:11 ESV / 417 helpful votes

A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

James 1:20 ESV / 286 helpful votes

For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

Proverbs 19:11 ESV / 270 helpful votes

Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Ecclesiastes 7:9 ESV / 236 helpful votes

Be not quick in your spirit to become angry, for anger lodges in the bosom of fools.

Proverbs 15:18 ESV / 198 helpful votes

A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention.

Proverbs 15:1 ESV / 184 helpful votes

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Colossians 3:8 ESV / 170 helpful votes

But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.

James 4:1-2 ESV / 159 helpful votes

What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.

Proverbs 14:17 ESV / 132 helpful votes

A man of quick temper acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated.

Proverbs 16:32 ESV / 125 helpful votes

Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.

Ephesians 4:26 ESV / 115 helpful votes

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,

Ephesians 4:31 ESV / 108 helpful votes

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

Proverbs 22:24 ESV / 108 helpful votes

Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man,

James 1:19 ESV / 101 helpful votes

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;

Proverbs 12:16 ESV / 92 helpful votes

The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult.

Psalm 37:8-9 ESV / 88 helpful votes

Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.

Ephesians 4:27 ESV / 86 helpful votes

And give no opportunity to the devil.

Matthew 5:22 ESV / 85 helpful votes

But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.

Proverbs 29:22 ESV / 77 helpful votes

A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression.

Luke 6:31 ESV / 71 helpful votes

And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.

Galatians 5:19-20 ESV / 70 helpful votes

Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions,

Romans 12:21 ESV / 55 helpful votes

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

James 3:1-12 ESV / 54 helpful votes

Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! ...

1 John 2:1-29 ESV / 53 helpful votes

My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world. And by this we know that we have come to know him, if we keep his commandments. Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: ...

Proverbs 27:4 ESV / 51 helpful votes

Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?

Philippians 4:4-6 ESV / 45 helpful votes

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Colossians 3:13 ESV / 40 helpful votes

Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Proverbs 14:29 ESV / 36 helpful votes

Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.

Ecclesiastes 3:8 ESV / 35 helpful votes

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

James 1:1-27 ESV / 34 helpful votes

James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, To the twelve tribes in the Dispersion: Greetings. Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. ...

1 Timothy 2:1-2 ESV / 30 helpful votes

First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way.

Proverbs 21:15 ESV / 29 helpful votes

When justice is done, it is a joy to the righteous but terror to evildoers.

1 Peter 2:23 ESV / 26 helpful votes

When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly.

Ephesians 2:1-22 ESV / 21 helpful votes

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— ...

1 Corinthians 1:1-31 ESV / 20 helpful votes

Paul, called by the will of God to be an apostle of Christ Jesus, and our brother Sosthenes, To the church of God that is in Corinth, to those sanctified in Christ Jesus, called to be saints together with all those who in every place call upon the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, both their Lord and ours: Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus, that in every way you were enriched in him in all speech and all knowledge— ...

Ecclesiastes 3:1-22 ESV / 19 helpful votes

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; ...

Romans 8:2 ESV / 14 helpful votes

For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.

Romans 1:18 ESV / 14 helpful votes

For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth.

Luke 21:8-9 ESV / 12 helpful votes

And he said, “See that you are not led astray. For many will come in my name, saying, ‘I am he!’ and, ‘The time is at hand!’ Do not go after them. And when you hear of wars and tumults, do not be terrified, for these things must first take place, but the end will not be at once.”

Ephesians 4:18 ESV / 9 helpful votes

They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart.

Hebrews 11:1-40 ESV / 8 helpful votes

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible. By faith Abel offered to God a more acceptable sacrifice than Cain, through which he was commended as righteous, God commending him by accepting his gifts. And through his faith, though he died, he still speaks. By faith Enoch was taken up so that he should not see death, and he was not found, because God had taken him. Now before he was taken he was commended as having pleased God. ...

Lamentations 5:16 ESV / 8 helpful votes

The crown has fallen from our head; woe to us, for we have sinned!

Proverbs 1:1-33 ESV / 8 helpful votes

The proverbs of Solomon, son of David, king of Israel: To know wisdom and instruction, to understand words of insight, to receive instruction in wise dealing, in righteousness, justice, and equity; to give prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the youth— Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance, ...

Malachi 2:16 ESV / 7 helpful votes

“For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”

Proverbs 15:5 ESV / 5 helpful votes

A fool despises his father's instruction, but whoever heeds reproof is prudent.

2 Chronicles 15:7 ESV / 5 helpful votes

But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded.”

1 Samuel 25:22 ESV / 1 helpful vote

God do so to the enemies of David and more also, if by morning I leave so much as one male of all who belong to him.”

I hope this is helpful to you.

Dr. Lee

Teenage Problems

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Dr. Shirley M Lee


I can answer questions relating to youth that are on probation, arrested, has anger management issues, lack of impulse control, problems in school and substance abuse issues. Additionally, I can answer questions about youth with sex issues, domestic violence, child abuse, child sex abuse, as the abuser and the one that has been abused, parent abuse, physical, mental and psychological abuse. I answer questions about marriage and divorce. I can't answer questions about medication that has been ordered by a psychiatrist and it's side affects or should you stop taking it. I can answer the question as to what reason the medication was ordered.


I have been providing care, guidance, and social services for children, adolescents, and their families for 32plus years. I work with young people who struggle with behavioral problems and issues at home and school. I assist our youth in developing healthy living habits and motivate them to become productive citizens. In addition, I work with the parents and families to motivate and encourage strengthening the family. I have worked with families that have been homeless, in poverty, peer pressure, and bullying. I currently counsel with youth that are on probation for battery, domestic violence, petit and petite theft, substance substance abuse and sex offenders. I also speak with their teachers and go into the homes and schools. I am a mentor to all these children and their parents. When help is needed beyond my expertise I will suggest where to take the child to receive the proper services.


Published 6 books and were sold at the Christian Book Store for one year.

Ph.d in Sacred Religious Counseling; Ph.d in Counseling Psychology; MA in Public Administration; BA in Paralegal; Clinically Certified Domestic Violence Counselor; CFARS (CHILDREN'S FUNCTIONAL ASSESSMENT RATING SCALE); and for adults the FARS (FUNCTIONAL ASSESSMENT RATING SCALE. I am also a Licensed Clinical Pastoral Counselor.

Awards and Honors
Biblical Studies with highest Honors. Magna Cum laude.

Past/Present Clients
In the past I worked for two different agencies as a Case Manager, a Therapist and a Counselor for the youth. I worked under the leadership of the two agencies as an independent contractor. 3 years ago I began working my own business, which has been in existence since 2002 in counseling. Presently I am working with youth that are on probation and is court ordered to take an anger management and/or impulse control class with me. I am also registered with the county to perform marriage counseling and weddings.

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