Hello Caroline. My problem is that I have a crush on my sister's soon-to-be brother-in-law. Except he's 21 and I just turned 14. Let's call him Kevin. I've seen Kevin once at our shared niece's birthday party, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. That was over a year ago. At that party, I noticed that he was staring at my breasts, but he never said anything to me. So anyway, around November, I found his Facebook and I sent him a friend request. He's just now accepting it in February. Also, I was looking at his Twitter tweets and I noticed how he tweets a lot about smoking pot, drinking and sex-related humor. I'm sure he knows I have a crush on him, I think I made it too obvious. There's just one thing really bothering me: the fact the 3 of his 6 siblings have twitter's so I know that that see his tweets about getting high. Why aren't they saying anything? Do they care? I care. I'm not trying to be his savior or something but I don't want to just sit here and watch him throw his life away, thinking there was something I could have done, but I don't want to tell his brother and have Kevin hating me for telling on him. But would it be telling on him if his family already knows? And I don't want his dad to grab him out of college and throw him in rehab or something. His father is a very mean man, God only knows what he would do to Kevin (if he hasn't done it already) if he caught wind of the fact that he gets high; he might punch him, kick him out or possibly disown him altogether, depending on how mad he got. I want to help him, but I don't know all he's been threw to make him WANT to smoke pot, and I wouldn't know how to approach him. And I think he might be sexually confused. So what do you think?
Should I be friends with him on Facebook?
Should I wait a few years and see if he likes me then so he won't go to jail?
Do I tell on him to his brother, or my sister?
Or do wait and watch him toss his life in the garbage KNOWING I could have said or done something to stop it? (Please reply ASAP, my sister's wedding id in 32 days.)
I have had to think long and hard about your questions and it is a big dilemma for me to try and answer you to the best of my abilities and knowledge, and it won't be a straightforward answer I'll be able to give. I'm going to answer you from both directions you asked of me and then find a middle ground that I hope you will be happy with, but there isn't an easy solution to this.
The age gap of course is a problem and it's not just about whether he will go to prison if he has under-age sex with you, it's the fact that he is 21, in college and his lifestyle is completely different than yours. So if he did fancy you back, how much do you think you and he will have in common? He is doing drugs and drinking which is common with guys his age which could pull you into the same scene. He would rather you both mix in his circle than he amongst friends your age. The gap in years, especially within your group, is far too large. A relationship between say a 35 year old and a 28 year old is different because both are virtually at the same level as they are adults by then. But within your two ages, it is entirely different because of the changes taking place around that time.
When it comes to you deciding whether to tell his family about his pot use, I think that it could possibly do more harm than good. If his father is as violent as you say he is I really don't think that it would be a wise move telling any of his family. And his siblings that are seeing his tweets - they 'may' do it too and it could get them into trouble. Smoking pot is so widely used these days that to many it isn't a big deal. I don't agree with it personally, but it's a commonly used drug. You and I both know it isn't the best thing to do, but to some it doesn't matter to them. So you may not even be able to stop him if you tried.
If you really are that concerned, e-mail him privately and express your concerns - not over twitter or facebook where he could get into trouble. He may appreciate your worry for him, he may think it isn't any of your business or he may thank you for the concern but still carry on doing it. But if you're going to say something it's really between the two of you and you must talk to him in private.
Some people Celestine smoke weed and drink and still function well like at work or with studying, so it doesn't mean to say that this guy will completely ruin his life. He may just be having a good time, in his view, along with his friends and get drunk and stoned socially at this time in his life; and then grow up, settle down and never touch it again. But then on the flip side it could lead him to take harder drugs. It really is impossible to tell which direction he is heading and it is unrealistic to make any solid judgements for both you and I. It just isn't straight forward.
Now, whether you should carry on being in contact via FB and twitter, it will be ultimately your decision, I can only advise you. I know you have a strong crush on him, but do you really 'know' him? You have read his comments about getting drunk, smoking weed and making sexually offensive jokes, does that make you truly like and respect him? Maybe he is a good looking guy but not suitable as a boyfriend for you; I personally don't think he is. You had to write in to me expressing your concerns over him and this is a 'Teenage problem' category and you guys aren't even a formal couple even - it's not looking too good if you think about it. And if it's as problematic as it is now, imagine how much worse it would be if you actually got together - do you see what I mean? It would be worse Celestine.
I personally think that you need to break away from him. I know that you care about him but look at what it is doing to you and how it's making you feel - any potential boyfriend should make you feel good, happy and not do things of which you don't agree with and could harm you in the end. That worries me and makes me want to say it's time to let go of him. Ok, he may be in your life as your sister's brother-in-law but that doesn't mean you will see him all the time. I really think letting him go and thinking about a boy that you are more suited and compatible with, that has the same values and interests as you is a better thing to go for.
Regarding his sexuality, it's up to him which way he swings and that is something he needs to work out for himself, you can't do it for him. His sexual preferences will be of his choosing and if he's ok with it then that's what's important.
Celestine, this is the best that I can give you. I really hope I have helped in however a small way as this was a difficult situation. I hope too that you make the wisest decisions; I think you would be better off cutting ties with him. But it is your decision.
Crushes take time to get over and the less contact you have the easier it will be.
Have a re-read of this reply a couple more times and let it really sink in what I have said.
If you want to speak about this any further or about something else, then you can always write in again :)
Have a good think.