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Hi my names charlie-Lou im a 17 year old girl and don't know what to do. I lost my virginity when I was 11 which is pretty shameful and since then have had multiple meaningless drunken sexual encounters with guys that mean nothing to me. My longest relationship only lasted a month so it hardly counts. IV never been emotionally attached to anyone or anything not even my parents, if I didn't look like my mum i wouldn't think they were my real parents. I am depressed and have anxiety attacks all the time. I have this friend, he's 16 and he is also depressed and he likes me in my own wierd way i like him too so my question is how do i go out with him without messing it and him up?

Answer
Hi Charlie-Lou,

I am sorry for the delay in getting back to you, I usually read questions and problems and mull them over for a time to come up with the best advice I can give.


It is really good that you have found someone that likes you and from what you say it sounds as if you are serious about him and he about you as well.

I am concerned though about your feelings of depression and that you are having panic attacks. Panic attacks are horrible, I have had them myself before, and it concerns me that you are feeling these emotions. But it is still good that you have found someone that you can connect with.

Your sexual history really isn't anything to be ashamed of. Ok, you lost your V at 11 and all that means is that was the age that you were ready to have sex with a boy. Everyone has their own 'right time' and that was simply yours, so let go of the shame you feel coz you've done nothing wrong :)

You are a sexual and sensual individual, again there is nothing wrong with that, it's who you are. And all of your sexual encounters are simply encounters and that's Ok.

My serious advice to you regarding this boy you connect with is that you need to make a very firm decision within yourself that you are not going to have drunken one night stands anymore. If you put yourself in that situation and you are likely to have sex, you will be cheating on him and that will cause trust issues between the both of you. When you get with him Charlie-Lou you have really got to change your lifestyle for the relationship to work. And the simplest way of doing that is to not get in those situations in the first place.

Change your lifestyle is what I am saying. You have 'been there, done that' and you're probably even bored of it by now, so just change that behavior and tell yourself you've had enough of it and now you want a serious relationship with this guy. It's not as hard as you might think.

This is going to be a big step for you. Because of the lack of emotional attachment to people in the past and then this boy comes along, it's the first time you are feeling something for another person. That can make you feel a little vulnerable as well because your new to it.

You've both got things in common, and the first thing is to cut out your old lifestyle and concentrate on being with him and staying faithful to him. Guys find it incredibly hard to deal with a partner that has cheated, it impacts on them heavily. So have a think about that.

I don't think you will mess him up. He obviously likes you very much in your own 'weird' way as you say, but to me you are simply a unique individual like everyone on the planet is. We all come with different characters and that just makes us, well 'Us'. You really are Ok. And the fact that you wrote in not wanting to mess him and the relationship up shows that you do really care and really want it to work :)

Seriously, go out with him. Enjoy each others company and start afresh. Put your sexual past behind you and focus on just him and it will work. And if you have an argument one day don't go off and sleep with someone else coz it will hurt him and make the relationship hard to cope with and cause more arguments.

You really are Ok and can make this work :)

The last thing I want to do is recommend two books to you and him on depression and self-esteem. Sue Atkinson has been depressed, she's had anxiety and panic attacks and knows what it feels like. What's different with these books is that it is written by someone who has been through it, still has off days and knows what she is talking about - she's really good. So the titles are:

'Climbing out of Depression' - Sue Atkinson
'Building Self-Esteem' - Sue Atkinson

Check if they have them in the library.

I really hope that I have helped you even slightly. Your specific Q was about this boy, but if you want to talk about the other things you mentioned then do write in again.

Caroline :)  

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Caroline West

Expertise

Hi.I can answer really all questions regarding to any problems that you are facing at the moment. You can write to me with any concerns you may be having around relationships, friends, boyfiends, girlfriends, sex, losing your virginity - I can answer any worries and doubts you may have. If you are feeling Depressed or Angry and you don't know why, I can help. Plus If you are feeling a bit lost and out of place, talk to me. Is there stuff going on at home that's causing you hurt? Are you having problems with your parents? - I'll help you. Anything as well to do with the Emotions I understand. If you are feeling like you are not coping and/or your school work is suffering, we can talk that through. Are you suffereing from bullying, cyber-bullying? I'll help. Religion, where you may be questioning your Spirituality. Drug and Alcohol problems and questions, if you're worried it's getting out of control or perhaps a friend is going through issues. Whatever's going on around you or inside you, feel free to write in. I'm here to help anyone who's having a tough time and with some tough decisions to make. And if you have wandered off the path a bit, I'll help you get back on track :)

Experience

I had a tough time being a Teenager. I had suffered bullying, feeling alone. I was very rebellious too and I hung around with the wrong type of kids and started smoking and I got into Drugs before I was even 13. I lost my Virginity at the age of 14 which I now know is a precious thing. There was a lot going on with my home life and I felt very alone with Parent's that didn't understand me. I became very depressed and felt I had no one to turn to, I felt lost. I'm older now and have dealt with the things that went on and have a better life. So I do understand and I really am here to help anyone that writes in who wants a listening ear and support :)

Organizations
Care2.com which helps various causes all over the world.

Education/Credentials
I have schooling up to A Level, College Diplomas. But what I really have to offer here is valuable 'life experience' :)

Past/Present Clients
I have returned to AllExperts.com after a year long break. Before I left I had been with All Experts for over 3 years and worked in many categories ranging from Teenage Problems, Abusive Relationships to Drug/Substance Abuse and many more. I have just returned initially to help Teenagers out that are having problems.

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