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Teenage Problems/I didn't get turned on


Two days ago, me and my girlfriend got a bit serious (I was rubbing her XXXXXX and fingering her, we were kissing and she was grinding and moaning). Today, I went over we were kissing and hugging and got a bit serious too, we were kissing passionately and teasing each other and kissing her neck. But then later tonight, we were kissing and hugging, she was on top of me grinding me, moaning in to my ear, she even took off her panties and let it grind into me and I went down on her and she went down on me for a brief moment, and I was going to go in but we decided not to because we didn't have condoms. We are both virgins (I've also seen her boobs both times). But here is the thing, I liked it, she gave me hickies and everything, I loved it, and I think I love her, but I am scared because I didn't get turned on. I loved it, I really did. You see, I am heterosexual, but I am open-minded to same-sex sex and same-sex porn, but I don't like guys emotionally, only physically when I am turned on sometime. I haven't masturbated since we started two days ago. But I want to have sex with her, because I really do care for her. But I just wasn't turned on and I am scared about that.
What is going on? What could I do to get turned on when this happens? I tried thinking and imagining and I wasn't really turned on. I was a bit, but not a lot.
I could use advice, thank you in advance.
We are both 17.
Is this healthy?

Hey Julian,

Sincere apologies for the delay, truly sorry.

Ok, let me try and sort this out. I'll go a bit at a time so please just keep reading to the end.

The good thing is that you have a level of awareness about your sexuality but you're not 100% all the way sure yet - that's my observation. I totally understand about your attraction to men but not in an emotional sense, I truly get that. Yet you do have that emotional connection with your girlfriend. Bisexuality comes in many forms with there not being a 'typical' type. I do think your Bi and I think you know that too and it is Ok, truly is :)

From what I have read I don't believe that you are 100% 'in love' with your gf. I believe that you have very deep feelings for her, but you wouldn't have to 'think' that you love her, you would know without hesitation. But that's fine, the love can grow in time and get stronger.

However, something is definitely not all good. To have to force yourself to think of imagery while with her to get turned on is not good. You should not have to to that as you would get turned on naturally; and this is where the problem lies.

It's difficult because you care for her and I pretty much guess the last thing that you want to do is hurt her, but you can't keep pretending all is well when it's not :(

Part of me wants to say to you to go out there and explore your sexuality further in different scenes, with guys, with girls and so on but... you are in a relationship and that is why this is a difficult situation. But, somehow, you need to experiment to find out who you truly are - it's so important Julian. My friend was married with 2 kids and didn't explore his sexuality until his mid 40's and found he preferred men. So finding out now while you're still young Julian is really important.

In a few months time of more closeness and sex with your gf, things are going to feel even stranger for you and the last thing you want is to be in a relationship where your desires aren't getting met as they aren't now. This is why I want you to go and explore your true sexual orientation.

I think that you need to tell your gf about this - only if you trust her enough and are close enough - and talk it through with her so that she understands and you can both work on where to go next. But I definitely do believe you need to find your sexual identity and preferences before you get older when kids could be involved, marriage and the works as it will be a lot harder and it could cause a lot of hurt, even damage.

Sadly you can't make yourself get turned on with your gf. You could try sex toys with her and even penetrative anal sex performed on you to see if that will help. Many couples face this and try stuff out with each other. That action may help with getting aroused so I'd say to try that as well. Hopefully she will be ok with it but that is a chance you are going to have to take.

Have a think and get back to me if any of this helps and if you want to go in to it further.

Whatever happens Julian, find you and your sexuality while you're still young :)

All the best and I'm here if you need to go into this in more depth.

Take care,

Caroline :)

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Caroline West


Hi.I can answer really all questions regarding to any problems that you are facing at the moment. You can write to me with any concerns you may be having around relationships, friends, boyfiends, girlfriends, sex, losing your virginity - I can answer any worries and doubts you may have. If you are feeling Depressed or Angry and you don't know why, I can help. Plus If you are feeling a bit lost and out of place, talk to me. Is there stuff going on at home that's causing you hurt? Are you having problems with your parents? - I'll help you. Anything as well to do with the Emotions I understand. If you are feeling like you are not coping and/or your school work is suffering, we can talk that through. Are you suffereing from bullying, cyber-bullying? I'll help. Religion, where you may be questioning your Spirituality. Drug and Alcohol problems and questions, if you're worried it's getting out of control or perhaps a friend is going through issues. Whatever's going on around you or inside you, feel free to write in. I'm here to help anyone who's having a tough time and with some tough decisions to make. And if you have wandered off the path a bit, I'll help you get back on track :)


I had a tough time being a Teenager. I had suffered bullying, feeling alone. I was very rebellious too and I hung around with the wrong type of kids and started smoking and I got into Drugs before I was even 13. I lost my Virginity at the age of 14 which I now know is a precious thing. There was a lot going on with my home life and I felt very alone with Parent's that didn't understand me. I became very depressed and felt I had no one to turn to, I felt lost. I'm older now and have dealt with the things that went on and have a better life. So I do understand and I really am here to help anyone that writes in who wants a listening ear and support :)

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