I'm a 19 year old girl. I am a freshman at an engineering college. I've been in a relationship with a guy since 8 months. I love him a lot, and he is a wonderful person who cares for me and loves me. But the problem is, I'm in love with my best friend too. He's been with me for 2 years and we understand each other perfectly and have fun with each other. He loves me too, since last year but it is now that I realised I feel the same for him. But we don't want a relationship. All we want is to stay close and just be best friends. He knows about my boyfriend, and my boyfriend knows about him. They both think they are coming in the way of each other and tell me that they will be okay if I decide to leave them so that I'll be happy. But I don't want to choose! I love them both. And I want a relationship with my boyfriend only. I'm not confused about that. The thing is , they both are so different and love me in completely different ways that make me feel complete and happy. Is this unnatural? I can't live without both of them. I love them equally , and my best friend and me have no physical relationship at all. It's just pure love. My boyfriend thinks he can't keep me happy and wants me to go with my best friend. How can I make him understand that I want a relationship just with him? It feels like such a different thing. My best friend lives in my home town while I'm away at an hostel. I want to love both of them , but it seems like nobody can accept it. I give equal time to both of them, I'm physically loyal to just my boyfriend , and I feel very happy with both. It's getting so confusing! What should I do? I can't leave either , and they both won't accept this. And yes, I don't hide anything from both of them. They know the complete situation , but we can't find a solution. Please help!
Hi there Avada,
Thank you for taking the time to write to me and I hope that I can help.
Firstly, it is normal to feel close to more than one person and that is how we begin to develop friendships. After spending a lot of time with someone and sharing all of our thoughts and feelings with them over a period of time, it is normal to develop a form of love for the person that is more about wanting a long term friendship than a sexual or intimate relationship. You and your best friends may love each other but you do not love each other in a way that should complicate your relationship; it is not the same type of love that you have with your boyfriend and he needs to understand this. It is possible to have a close relationship with both a friend and a boyfriend without the need for one to leave the other behind as long as both of them understand that there is a distinct difference in the way you which you love them.
Your boyfriend should not feel threatened by the fact that you have a close relationship with your best friend and your best friend should not feel worried that he will not see you because you have a boyfriend, but both of them will be concerned that because they are both male and both wanting your attention, they think that you may have to choose one over the other. The best course of action is to talk to your boyfriend and explain to him that you and your best friend are close but it is completely uncomplicated by sex or by him wanting a relationship. Explain to him that although you and him are close, he is not your boyfriend and does not want to be, he just wants to be your friend and he has nothing to worry about. Then, explain to your best friend that just because you are in a relationship, it does not have to change the relationship that you have with him. The only difference that this may make is that you do not spend as much time with each other as you may have done previously but as long as you plan your time to make time for him, there is no reason why you still cannot remain close.
You should not be made to choose between your boyfriend and your best friend, this is not fair and both of them need to know that they are trying to complicate a situation that does not need to be complicated.
I hope that helps.