I chose you bcs i think your experience will help me. Well my problem is not a big problem at all. Well, im 17 years old and im very related to my parents. we have gone together everywhere since i was a baby. So there are the 3 of us all the time. It didnt bother me a lot in the past but now it does. Im not a party type & i love the silence and hate you know: being in the centre of attention by boys and things like that. i love my parents dont get my wrong. they have been there for me all the time. and i thank god for giving them & for having them. But wherever i go my mom phones me 80 times a day and im not a child. perhaps im for her. i can take care of myself -.- & now almost all my friends (even those who have made mistakes during their teenage years, and biggg Mistakes) are allowed to go out by their parents and they go to the beach together, go to the cinema etc etc.. and my mom tells me: go but if sth happens to you dont come to me or she says : ok ill come too and stay around.``Around`` means staying in the same coffee in another place so she can stalk me . its like im some kind of bad girl who sneaks around -.- I always listen to them but it really gets on my nerves bcz im mature now. I have never had a boyfriend, always have asked them for advice . I dont know why they do this. now summer has came and i will go with them everywhere: to the beach, out. and i want someone of my age :/ i dont even have a sister or a brother. and when im with my family its like im invisible in the eyes of the opposite sex.no matter if i dress well no matter if im attractive they dont look at me bcz when they stare they always see my father and, you know, they leave. Im the daddys daughter! -.- dont get me wrong. i dont want a bf or sth like that :/ even though all my friends have but its like im a small kid and im always accompanied with 2 people who take care of me bcz im not able to do things myself ??? ive been raised like this always. maybe they are afraid sth bad will happen to me. ok i get it but bcz of this fact im always used to go even to the shop with them or buy bread with them. now im not used to travelling on my own, staying on my own for 2 long. and i blame them for this. Even when i talk with a guy friend for 2 sec my mom usually makes jokes but i hate it. he is not my husband for godness sake , just a friend! So, yeah, that was all. sorry for writing too long. But do you think its a problem being too close with your parents? Thanks for every answer you ll give.
This is an excellent question and I believe I can help you because this sounds a bit like my childhood growing up, especially between the ages of 17-20. First off, no, it is not a bad thing that you have such a close relationship with your parents. There are some kids who don't get the ability to spend time with both, or even one, parent, whether it be because of incarceration, or one/both parents work long hours, etc. So in short, no. I'm happy that you have a close relationship with them.
What worries me is your mother's apparent dependency on her being EVERYWHERE you are. As our children grow, it is the parents' job to encourage a little bit independence, and the level of independence is dependent on the level of trustworthiness that the child has shown to posses. A child that shop lifts will get considerably less independence than the honest child who would return money if she was given extra change. Since it doesn't seem like you've given your parents a reason not to trust you, it does not seem to me that this closeness is as healthy as it should be. Some of the things you mentioned stood out to me and I have addressed them below.
Statements #1 & #2: "But wherever I go my mom phones me 80 times a day and I'm not a child. perhaps I am for her. i can take care of myself" AND "my mom tells me: go but if something happens to you don't come to me or she says : OK I'll come too and stay around."
It sounds like, because you were always with your parents, that Mom is experiencing some form of anxiety about you being gone. I believe that anything over 1 or 2, maybe 3 phone calls when you're out, is excessive. I understand that sometimes emergencies come up, but on a average day when you're out with your friends, 1-3 calls is acceptable. Mom should have her own life separate from yours, and when you go hang out with your friends, she should understand (having been 17 once) that you may not want her around, so you don't feel like she's trying to spy on you, etc. I would suggest trying to talk to her about this situation and try to come to a compromise with her:
- Phone calls: suggest instead of constantly calling you, ask her to text you. It's more discreet, and you don't have to feel like you're being constantly monitored in front of your friends. This doesn't mean that she should text you 80 times a day, but ask her to text you maybe once or twice.
For example: You're going out with your friends at 12 noon and you won't be home until 6 pm.
- Maybe say something to this effect (assuming you had already notified your mom that you were going to the mall prior to this conversation): "Mom, I will be at (insert mall name) with (insert friend(s) names). We are planning to be there from noon to 6. I know you will probably want to call me, but I would prefer it if you could just text me maybe once every 2 hours (2 & 4) so I don't feel like you're being a helicopter mom, and because having you text me a few times is less embarrassing than you calling me multiple times. I would be more than happy to text you when I arrive at the mall, and when I am leaving. If we decide to go into a movie, I will let you know when we purchase the tickets what time the movie starts and ends. Give me a 10-15 minute window for response time, in case I am not in a position to respond right away. Is this something we can agree on?" Let her know, because I'm assuming her excuse is that she is wanting to make sure you're okay and to touch base with you, that you can't even begin to tell her about your day and touch base with her because she's too busy on the phone trying to reach you.
- Inviting herself out with you: For the most part, you will do the same as above. Tell her where you're going, how long you're planning on being there, etc. If she decides to invite herself along, suggest something of the following: "Mom, I cannot stop you from going to the mall, but I feel like you are treating me like a child by always accompanying me whenever I go out with friends. If you want to go to the mall, by all means, go, but could you go and do your own thing? That way, we may cross paths and maybe stop and chat, but I don't feel like you're right there." Suggest that she arrive 45 minutes to an hour after you arrive and to go about her business as if she had decided to go to the mall on her own. Even suggest that she goes with a friend. A friend might keep her so busy that she wouldn't have time to look for you anyways. She should not text you if she's "at the mall with you", but don't try to restrict her from it.
Statement #3: Now I'm not used to travelling on my own, staying on my own for 2 long. I blame them for this.
Fixing this situation will take both of you. Asking your mom to compromise with the two above scenarios can help you learn how to go out with people other than mom and dad will help you begin to learn how to cope by yourself. Start maybe making little trips out by yourself, not anywhere long, but maybe something simple...like going to the store and buy some milk, etc. College is around the corner for you, and if you live on campus, you will need the skills necessary in order to cope in the real world without them. Remember: at 18, you are no longer required to stay at home. If you have a job and are able to move (and still pay your bills on time), maybe move out. If mom is paying your cell bill, switch it to your name. Then you are not required to answer the phone EVERY TIME she calls, as the reason you have the phone is not because of her. In your own apartment, you can set boundaries and limitations regarding when she comes over, and how much time she has to notify you prior to arrival. If she shows up unannounced and you don't want to be with her, you do not have to open the door. I know this sounds harsh but tough love can work both ways.
I hope this helps.