Teenage Problems/miss my ex

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Question
hi me and my ex broke up a few weeks ago coz we are better as friends and we both agreed to remain friends and we were talking good and we organised to meet up to watch a movie and a few days before that he told me he needed space and time to think and hes confused so we didnt meet up and its been a bit over a week what do you think it means? does he still have feelings for me if he wanted to meet up? what do i do? i still have feelings for him. im 20 from australia melbourne

Answer
Hi Maria,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me and I hope that I can help.

Firstly, let me apologize for not getting back to you sooner but work has been a bit manic at the moment and I have been unable to get near to my computer; it does not usually take me this long to reply.

From what you have said it could be that your ex still has feelings for you and the raw emotion that comes with breaking up is still difficult for him to handle. Wanting to be friends after a relationship is a positive thing but it does come with the issue that the person that we are now going to be socializing with used to be our partner and with that, comes reminders of how things used to be. It also changes the dynamic of how the couple socialize after the split because you have to behave differently and this can take time to sink in (for example, at the end of date when you were in a couple, he may have walked you home etc...now, he may wonder whether or not he does or is that a couple thing etc). It could be that he was really wanting to see you and meet up with you but then, last minute, the nerves got the better of him and he thought that he would not be able to cope with seeing you so soon after a break up.

If he is saying that he needs time then he probably does and this is not an excuse. He probably needs to get his head together about what has gone wrong in your relationship and to settle his mind about whether or not there was something that he could have done to save it. He will also have questions about whether or not, if you did continue to socialize, there was the potential for the relationship to rekindle. All of these things will mean that he may not want to face you because he will end up either blowing the situation (by saying or doing the wrong thing) or by being too emotional (and potentially, crying).

The way to deal with this guy is to give him the physical space he needs but to remain in contact via either text message or something like Facebook. Sending him a message every other day or couple of days just asking how he is, will let him know that he is still on your mind but that you are not pressuring him in to replying straight away. You may also find that you are able to get to root cause of what has happened and why he didn't want to meet up by using something like Facebook than you would if you did actually meet in the first place. Keeping the contact between you virtual and not physical gives him the space he needs but also means that he has access to your friendship if he needs it. From this contact, it should be possible to begin to arrange a time and date when you can both meet up and because you will have probably messaged quite a lot beforehand, you will both know where you stand and any awkwardness will have disappeared.

Avoid sending too many messages or discussing topics around your relationship unless he brings them up and you feel comfortable talking about them. Keep the topics you discuss general, fun and regular (but not daily) to ensure that you re-establish your friendship without trying to rebuild the relationship if that is what neither of you want. Through this contact you should be able to find out exactly how he feels and can discuss how you feel before you end up meeting up again and if he does still like you, you can then decide between the two of you whether or not it is worth giving things another go or just remaining friends.

I hope that helps.  

Teenage Problems

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Daryl Taylor, BSc (Hons) Psychology, PGDip (pending certification)

Expertise

My expertise covers everything and anything to do with growing up, being a teenager or a young adult or being the parent of one of the pre-described. I can cover issues on identity, sexuality, love, relationships, families, drug/alcohol abuse and anything and everything in between.

Experience

I have volunteered for AllExperts.com for over ten years now, but even before that I was trying to use my experience to help others by working with Advice4teens.co.uk, Teenadviceonline.org and even Lycos and Ask Jeeves. My experience comes from being a teenager primarily but this lead me to work with young people from the age of 13. I have worked front line, face to face and over the telephone, e-mail and webchat for a government department called Connexions UK (aimed at young people aged 13-19); as well as being student counselor in New York, a Peer Mentor, a student teacher and working for my school, college and University to help raise the aspirations of young people. My life has not been easy and I have been through my fair share of issues; so there is little that I haven't been through in reality opposed to just reading it from a book or from my academic studies. I have been featured as a case study as achieving through adversity for a number of magazines and I have featured in a couple of books on both sides of the Atlantic; even though I am UK based.

Organizations
The Albert Kennedy Trust

Publications
Relationships: Cathy Senker, 2012, Raintree The Dean and Chapter Positive Nation GTEN Television Aim Higher

Education/Credentials
BSc(Hons) Psychology Post Graduate Diploma in Multidisciplinary Design Innovation Basic Counselling Skills Effective Listening Skills Mental Health First Aid

Awards and Honors
Outstanding Student achievement Adult learner's Award

Past/Present Clients
Allexperts.com Advice4teensuk.org Teenadviceonline.org lycos.co.uk askjeeves.com Connexions Direct

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