Teenage Problems/what should I do....what Can I do?
QUESTION: I know know I'm young and that many would say it'll pass or that I'm just dreaming, but I've found the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is the only person that supports me through everything, he accepts the fact that I'm bi, I can tell him anything, I really trueely love him......but recently something came up.....He emailed me saying that he had something important to tell me the next time we saw eachother face to face. He showed up to band camp a few days later, which was surprising because he was supposed to be at his dad's in a city an hour away. He held me tightly and I could hear his shakey breathing and feel his tears rolling down my neck. I didn't know what else to do beside stroke his head untill he calmed down. He whispered thank you, but wouldn't say what was wrong unless we were someplace alone. I took him aside, and after a moment he began spilling his guts. "You know how before I had to choose between staying here or going to live with dad....." he sniffed. I nodded. He paused for a moment and a few tears wet his hand. I thought maybe his Dad and Kristain were trying to gain custudy of him again."....Well..." he continued" Dad's moving away....and even if I don't go, they're leaving anyways....". A knot formed in my throat and my chest ached. He hated living at his mom's with his step dad. He takes after his father in looks and personality, and he admires him greatly. He held me again and warm tears turned cool down my arm. "..We can email. And maybe you can get a phone so we can text....and you could get a facebook or something...." he tried to laugh a little bit to lighten the situation and keep himself from all out sobbing. I felt my eyes sting at the relazation that this time he had chosen to go with his dad. I wouldn't have had it the other way around, but half of me wished deeply otherwise. I could feel our dreams and aspirations we'd made together fall ontop of me even as he said" we'll be together even when we're apart. It's not fkrever.....we can stil live unbeleivable lives together." I'm not sure what to do. We want to marry and live together once we finish school, we've been planning our lives around eachother, but this could rui everything. I'm not worried about his faithfulness, I am worried about hurting him by being away. I had thought maybe breaking with him untill a better time would be best to help him continue. He already chose me once....what if he changed his mind and chose me again? That could mess his whole life up. He's the only reason I am here right now and I don't want to be the reason he has regrets....but what can I do? Even if I got two jobs and saved for a plane ticket to go visit him each year, my parents wouldn't let me go. And I doubt his parents would let him come down here. I don't have my own car, or a place to stay at down there, and it would be dangerous going. It would be so hard on the both of us....but if his parents aren't just talking, there is no way we'll be able to see eachother for years after he moves......I am really hurting right now, and I know he is too.....
ANSWER: Hey Coaley.
Sorry for the late response, I've only just returned from a break and still getting used to being back.
I really, really feel for you. I even teared up a bit reading your story - it's very, very sad :(
Look, I can only do this one way and that's to say things how I see them. It will hurt you even more but the truths better than a lie?
It is as plain as day how much you and he love one another and I can see how much you and he want to so desperately keep hold of each other. But there are not many long-distance relationships that work and last. The separation is very difficult to maintain.
There's one thing I do know and that is if love is 100% real and true, it will come back. And only time, however many years it takes, will prove that.
All I can say to you is that it will hurt for some time, but things and your feelings - and his - will get less painful over time. And if it doesn't, you and his love could well keep you both together.
I know I am sounding totally contradictory and the reason for that is because it can go either way: you go your separate ways and get over each other, or you come back to each other and remain together.
I can't make either of your pain go away or make what is happening any easier, but time does make things better. See how it goes; keep in touch by email and phone and see whether this is really forever or just for now.
Your boyfriend is going to have to make his mind up with who he's going to stay with - move with his Dad or stay, and you have to let him make that decision. If he chooses to stay, Coaley, you really have to be 100% sure that this is what you want. If you have any doubt what so ever, you have got to let him go. Because if he does stay and your not 100% feeling him, your fear may come true and he makes the wrong choice and his life goes in the wrong direction. So this is really serious.
Please think on what I have said, really examine your love for him and if you want to talk this through some more, get back to me.
I do understand both your pain and I'm really sorry that this has happened.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you so much for helping. I do lokve him, no doubts in my mind. It has gotten a little bit worse though.....I had talked with my mom about it, and she asked his mom if she knew anything. "So what is this I hear about *him* moving?" His mothers eyes teared up a bit as she said "what?!" The fact that she doesn't know is a HUGE deal. His mother has custudy, and she did question Noah about it, which means if they really do susspect them, then they could pull a legal move to keep him here. I feel so guilty.....I can't do anything! I can't....I'm useless in this situatiin. I have no say in any of it, and he's even starting to question if he's doing the right thing but so far he's stayed true. His dad and him have an amazing realtionship, one that me and my dad don't have, and I don't want to take that away. But what confuses me is why they are moving. If it had been a big reason, they surely would have said something to him. So why don't they just wait untill he graduates.....
If my love is true and I want to keep from hurting him, what can I do?
I don't think that you have anything to feel guilty about. Yeah you are feeling helpless because Noah's parents' decisions are out of your hands and I suspect Noah feels like he is in a tug of war between his parents. And his Mum not knowing he is thinking about moving to his dad's is a tough one.
The only thing I can say to you is 'Be There' for Noah, that's all you can do under these circumstances. Just let him talk to you as freely as you have been.
Why his Dad is moving, maybe Noah should ask him? If their relationship is as strong as you say, why doesn't he and his Father have a chat about all the implications of the move and see what can be done; it's worth a try.
You're really going to miss him if he goes? That's why this is so sad because you and Noah have such a fantastic relationship too. So I can imagine just how hard this is on both of you.
If this ends up in a legal dispute between his parents, just be there for him and see it through to its final conclusion.
'Whatever will be, will be' on this one Coaley. This world works in mysterious ways and there could be a few more twists coming. See it through and don't beat yourself up over this, there is no point. Try and enjoy being with Noah. If I could make this all better for you I would. Just hang in there and see what will happen and get Noah to speak to his family about what HE want's regarding moving and encourage him to do so.
Sorry I can't help much more on this, but I am here if you want to just talk things through for a bit of support. You'll be Ok.