Teenage Problems/I want to be back with my ex girlfriend.
QUESTION: "Hello sir,
i'm rohan 20 from india.i was in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3 years and were best friends too.In January 2013,I found that she was in a relationship with another guy from last 6months.She was made to make a choice between me and the other guy and unfortunately she choose him and our relationship ended.We are still best friends.I tried everything to get her back but I couldn't as she says she cant forget that other guy.A week ago,they broke up because of their fights but still he is her priority. when I question her,she says there is some sort of unknown relation between them so she is unable to get over him.But she has confessed many times that she loves me but she wants to be only friends with me as she does not want to be in a relationship with anyone while some other time she would say that she wanted to be with both of us.Reading in an article i broke the contact with her for a couple of days but that did not work.She trusts me alot and shares each and everything with me and not that guy.I have done alot to impress her and she indeed is impressed and finds me the best person of her life,but the problem is she does not want to forget that guy and move on with me.please help me"
ANSWER: Hi Rohan,
First, I'm a ma'am not a sir, lol. I understand that you really like this girl. Your feelings are definitely strong for her. It seems like her feelings for you are strong as well. The thing is that you can't make her come back to you, she has to willingly want to. Right now she's caught between you two but it seems like she has stronger feelings for him.
Let's say that she comes back to you tomorrow but then the other guy decides he wants her back. Who do you think she'll choose? I mean do you really want her back knowing that this other guy is still on her mind? I'd be wondering if she's thinking about that other guy every time you two are together.
You have to be patient and let her sort out her mind and figure out who she wants to be with. Don't push or pressure her because it will only make things worse. It's great that she confides in you and talks to you but do you really want her talking to you about him? If I wanted my ex back, the last thing I would want to hear is him going on and on about some other girl. That would hurt me.
If she's said that she wants to be with the both of you then it sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She can't have both of you. That's pretty selfish. She may love you but it's obvious that she's caught in a spider web and she doesn't know who she wants to be with right now.
Give it time, that's all you can do. Stop trying to win her back and let her move at her own pace because if you don't, you might end up getting hurt again. Let her sort out her issues and give her time to get over this guy. If she decides to go back to him, then support her decision no matter how much it may hurt. There are plenty more fish in the sea and from what I can tell any girl would be lucky to have you.
I know that you really like this girl but I'm betting that she won't be the last one you'll like. I know that a lot of this may not be what you want to hear but it's the truth. Trust me... I know. I've definitely been there and done that. You'll be fine Rohan. Just give this girl some space and time to sort out her mind. Support whatever decision she chooses to make.
Also, I forgot to add in the part about her cheating on you. You were dating her for 3 years and then she decided to start seeing someone else behind your back. That was pretty dirty. This almost changes my entire answer. She was so wrong for that. So here's my thing... stop chasing her. She'll see how valuable you are and what she's missing. Things aren't going right with this new guy and it serves her right for cheating on you.
You don't want to be the rebound guy. Make her see that she made a bad mistake when choosing the other guy. Don't hound her or anything. I think it was good that you broke contact with her for a few days. I would have gone even longer. Because then she would have realized that you were the better pick.
How do you know that if she does come back to you that she won't cheat on you again? Obviously trust would be an issue which is a valuable component to maintaining a healthy relationship. I think you need to sleep on this and decide if you even really want her back or not. You deserve better than that.
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QUESTION: Thank you so much ma'am.I really appreciate your time in answering it.
I completely agree with you on whatever you said in your answer.The entire 2013 I chased her and did everything to impress her.But lately I realised that I have done enough to get her back,in fact more than enough but I have made up my mind.
One area of concern for me are the calls and messages. I mean I not only love her,I'm kinda addicted to her too.I feel like giving her a call or messaging her every minute of the day and that has led my impression as a ANY TIME AVAILABLE FRIEND in her mind now.What do I do in this concern ma'am? I feel that if I break the contact for more time,maybe she would be able to get over the remaining feelings she has for me and might totally forget me.I really don't want that to happen.
I will definitely stop pressuring her or even asking her to be back with me.As also I have worked a bit on myself in being a better person by all means.
ANSWER: Hi Rohan,
Stop calling or messaging her every minute of the day, lol. You don't want to suffocate her and she may begin to feel that way. Let her know that you're there for her but maintain your distance. Do something to take your mind off of it. You don't want to look desperate. Give her some time. You never know, you might find someone else.
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QUESTION: Ma'am,I really tried to understand and implement everything you said.But i know her from last 4 years and it really is difficult not to think about her.I look very desperate and I actually don't understand how to get over it.And truely speaking,she has stronger feelings for that other guy.But ma'am I want to bring those feelings back which she had for me . Please suggest me something ma'am.What should I do to regenerate those feelings back in her heart??
I know she cheated on me but ma'am just looking at her brings a smile to my face and I don't know if she would cheat me again..i certainly want to give her one more chance of trust because she shares each and every minor thing of her day with me.
Do you think making her jealous would work? I mean she would be more than jealous if I have any close friend among girls.You being a girl know what that thing is that girls want to see in their boyfriends or what things of the boys would attract them the most.
I really want to give it another try.
I'm sorry honey, but you can't make her like you, you just can't. She has to feel that way on her own. Right now she has more feelings for the other guy and there's nothing you can do to change that. And let's say you do try and make her jealous and she gets jealous, she'll still be thinking about the other guy.
You're not sure if she'd cheat on you again so are you willing to take that risk?What makes you think that if you two do get back together then she won't cheat again; and possibly with the same guy? You deserve better than that no matter how much you like her.
I know you want to give it another try but she has to be willing to as well. I understand how you feel about how, I really do. But you have to understand that she's in a different place right now. She's not ready to commit to you one hundred percent. You can't make her feel a certain way about you, she has to feel it herself.
I know that this isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's what you need to hear and it's the truth. The fact that you're looking desperate is probably another reason why she's a tad turned off. Don't look desperate. Do what you normally do. Chat with other girls if you want to. Don't be on her back so much and she might come around.
Trust me Rohan, you don't think so now, but everything will be okay. You need to give it time. Let her figure out what she wants to do. Don't revolve your whole life around this girl. If she hurt you once, she'll do it again and it's not worth it. Why? Because every relationship after her you'll be wondering if the next girl is going to break your heart. You can't have a healthy relationship like that.
You'll be fine Rohan. She's not the only girl you'll ever like. There will be plenty more and eventually you'll find the one who deserves you.