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Teenage Problems/Found pot in daughters clothes


QUESTION: My 16 year old daughters behaviors and choices have been on a downhill spiral the past 2 months and correlates with her hanging out with her new boyfriend. She is defiant, ran away from home with him for one night and were found camping illegally on a dangerous cliff at a beach, wont talk to me and hates me , and I found a bag of pot in the pocket of her jacket when I was doing the laundry. I tried to get her counseling because she kept saying she wanted to kill herself because she couldnt stand living in this house anymore but she got so angry she took off to her dads house 30 miles away . Her dad doesnt have custody and literally lets her get away with having sex with boyfriend and buys her anything she wants and thought the pot I found was " no big deal everyone smokes pot".
My question is two fold. She is planning on going to a Reggae music concert with the boyfriend. I was planning on telling her last minute that Im not letting her go because of the running away and the fact that I found pot in her and that she wouldnt go see a counselor. She will hate me even more but I feel I cant let these things she has done go without consequence. Her dad took her shopping and to get her hair done and even had the nerve to ask me where the concert ticket was . What is your advice? The boyfriend has been telling my daughter that if she stays living with me that he will break up with her because I called the cops when they ran away. Thank You

ANSWER: Hi Anne,

Thank you for writing to me.

I have a few questions for you.  How old is this boyfriend? How long has she been defiant? Do you have other children? When is the concert? Is she enrolled in school?

Dr. Lee

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dr. Lee, The boyfriend just turned 17,Defiant behavior and/or poor decision making started about 2 months ago,no I do not have any other children,Yes she id enrolled in school- will be a junior, the concert is Thursday July 16( tomorrow)
Thank You!

Hi Anne,
Thank you for getting back to me. I would not let her go to the concert.  I would forbid her from seeing her "boyfriend" anymore.  If you can speak with his parents, which I don't see them being positive influences in his life at this point, I would try that tomorrow during the day.  She would not be allowed to go to the concert.

You have to show her that she cannot control you by telling you that she hates you and wish that she did not have to live with you.  You have it extra hard because you do not have the support of her father, but he is condoning what she is doing.  I would tell her that if she leaves the house the police will be at the concert to get her.  If need be, get a restraining order to keep her boyfriend away.  

It appears that this defiant behavior has been tolerated because you did not realize it was slipping up on you until it was out of control. I am not holding you accountable for the defiance because these young people are so clever today that by the time the parents realize that things are not going well, it is too late.  However, you cannot let her do as she pleases.  If she is caught with pot, the first thing that she is going to say is that you are aware that she smokes. That is unacceptable.  

If she does not want to go to counseling, contact the Juvenile Department in your area and make them aware of what is going on.  The one thing that you do not want is to be held responsible for what she is doing. You need to let the authorities know that you are aware of what is going on and that you are asking for help.

I know this is your child and it hurts for you make these decisions but it will be worse if you do nothing.  

Teenage Problems

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Dr. Shirley M Lee


I can answer questions relating to youth that are on probation, arrested, has anger management issues, lack of impulse control, problems in school and substance abuse issues. Additionally, I can answer questions about youth with sex issues, domestic violence, child abuse, child sex abuse, as the abuser and the one that has been abused, parent abuse, physical, mental and psychological abuse. I answer questions about marriage and divorce. I can't answer questions about medication that has been ordered by a psychiatrist and it's side affects or should you stop taking it. I can answer the question as to what reason the medication was ordered.


I have been providing care, guidance, and social services for children, adolescents, and their families for 32plus years. I work with young people who struggle with behavioral problems and issues at home and school. I assist our youth in developing healthy living habits and motivate them to become productive citizens. In addition, I work with the parents and families to motivate and encourage strengthening the family. I have worked with families that have been homeless, in poverty, peer pressure, and bullying. I currently counsel with youth that are on probation for battery, domestic violence, petit and petite theft, substance substance abuse and sex offenders. I also speak with their teachers and go into the homes and schools. I am a mentor to all these children and their parents. When help is needed beyond my expertise I will suggest where to take the child to receive the proper services.


Published 6 books and were sold at the Christian Book Store for one year.

Ph.d in Sacred Religious Counseling; Ph.d in Counseling Psychology; MA in Public Administration; BA in Paralegal; Clinically Certified Domestic Violence Counselor; CFARS (CHILDREN'S FUNCTIONAL ASSESSMENT RATING SCALE); and for adults the FARS (FUNCTIONAL ASSESSMENT RATING SCALE. I am also a Licensed Clinical Pastoral Counselor.

Awards and Honors
Biblical Studies with highest Honors. Magna Cum laude.

Past/Present Clients
In the past I worked for two different agencies as a Case Manager, a Therapist and a Counselor for the youth. I worked under the leadership of the two agencies as an independent contractor. 3 years ago I began working my own business, which has been in existence since 2002 in counseling. Presently I am working with youth that are on probation and is court ordered to take an anger management and/or impulse control class with me. I am also registered with the county to perform marriage counseling and weddings.

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