AboutDan Expertise I was once an expert on Askme.com, yet because askme is going out, I feel I can help people here. I am an expert in many areas of life, so why not try to be an expert here. State your ages with questions. I do not give medical advice online
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Expert: Dan Date: 10/27/2007 Subject: How to keep him happy?
Question QUESTION: I have been dating my boyfriend, Chris M., for 8 months now and things are only ok. It seems like I mess up a lot. I would talk to guys that he didnt like and I would lie to him about who I would be talking to. I wouldn't pay attention to him often or call him much. He found out I was lying because I couldn't keep it from him since I don't want to hurt him and I feel bad for lying so I feel its better for him to know than not. I figure that he would be happy I told him but he would be upset because I didn't tell him at that time. Since then, I changed for him. People say if you change for someone they will like the person you are trying to play more than the person who you really are. But I would do anything for this guy to be proud of me. Now, I have stopped lying to him and talking to the people he hates. Everyone believes that he is protective or obsessive or pussy-whipped or whatever. He never liked me hugging guys, or hang out with them alone which is typical. I feel like I have tried so hard to keep him but no gratitude afterward. I feel like I have done so much for nothing. I have done everything he has asked me and I was even thinking about buying him an xbox for his birthday, October 25, so he can be more affectionate to me and be proud. I have paid attention to him more than friends and family. I call him whenever just to say "I love you" or to just talk. I hang out with him whenever I can.
I am basically asking how can I save my relationship from going down the tube. I know its only 8 months but I haven't had feelings for someone like this for a long time. So what are your comments and suggestions about what I need to do.
Thank you so much for reading,
-Sara<3
ANSWER: Hi,
Can I ask ages? Also why are you doing all of this for him? Do you really think you can't talk to other guys? You didn't cheat on him, right?
Please ask follow ups
IMPORTANT IMPORTANT THIS QUESTION REQUIRES A FOLLOW UP
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QUESTION: I am 16 and he just turned 17 yesterday. I didn't get him the xbox after all. I know I can talk to other guys but he needs the play by play of what we talked about. He doesn't like the way that they joke around or put their arm around me [just being friendly] and he would follow up with "Why didn't you push them off?" or "You should tell them not to do that anymore. Don't they know you have a boyfriend?" I have no cheated on him but there was an incident where someone did something to me and I didn't want them to. Of course, I told him about it and he understood the position I was in and helped me get through a big depression phase. Since then he has been keeping three eyes on me. I would like to think that he has just been making sure I do not make friends with the wrong boys. He knows of me making friends and trusting the wrong guys and they take advantage of me for it. We were great yesterday and we joked around like we did when we first started dating. That's all I want is to be the way we were before that incident. I am just not sure how to go by it.
-Sara<3
ANSWER: Hi,
First I would like to recommend our "How to Strengthen Your Relationship" area.
Second I would like to talk to you about a relationship being a two way street. It's not you giving him everything and him giving you nothing. That's not how it works. It's not about you giving him GOLD and him giving you nothing. You don't want to buy "love". Buying love is wrong like buying him an Xbox to like you is wrong. I am glad you didn't get him an Xbox.
On a side note, the relationship won't work without trust and it looks like he wants to control you and does not trust you.
"People say if you change for someone they will like the person you are trying to play more than the person who you really are."<--- Remember they should like you for you, not for someone else.
I don't think you should date him, sorry. I would like to talk to you about the depression you had, so please ask follow ups with this.
Please ask follow ups
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QUESTION: Thank you for the advise. Honestly, I do question whether I should be with him or not; he is like a wicked great friend in my life right now. I really do not want to lose that. I will definatly remember that quote. Very inspiring. I trust the boy with all I have. I let him hang out with girls and basically do anything he wants. But he chooses not to and in a way that is being respectful to me, do you agree? [I do]. I am going to continue dating him because I do love him and we seem to have been through so much and I really can not let him go. He doesn't control me in a sense but a lot of people feel the same way as you do so this isn't the first time.
The depression issue is pretty simple actually. I felt used and worthless and going through the phase of "I shouldn't live if I am going to be taken advantage of .." kind of sort. After the incident, I could not handle the way my body and mind worked. It is kinda of awkward to talk about but basically my body wanted more but my mind knew it was wrong especially with a boyfriend. I was confused and always, always questioned "Why me?". It buzzed around my head like mosquitoes. I got over this by writing. I would write poems, good and bad, about situations like mine or about random fantasy. I would talk to Chris about it and he would find a way for me to forget about it and have fun with life. A few months later or so, I finally had the guts to look in the mirror and say, "It wasn't your fault. You tried to stop it and couldn't. Just be careful with yourself. Things will get better." And before I knew it, things began to brighten up. I was more happy with myself. Chris and I were great. And things fell where they were suppose to be.
-Sara<3
Answer Hi,
By the way you wrote the first few posts, I thought he was one of those controlling people. How come you are saying he is not now? What is love? Don't you feel you are rushing into this term?
Does he give you the same respect that you give him? Isn't a relationship a two way street?
I am glad the depression was removed. Depression is very common and I always recommend talking to someone about this to help remove the depression. Usually people don't have such close friends to talk to who would know how to handle this and that's why I always recommend a psychologist in those cases. A psychologist is ALMOST always a great tool to repair depression. Yes, sometimes it's great to use even when you have such a friend who is showing help to you.
I help people here who have depression, yet I always tell people I don't replace a psychologist. It's super important for people to understand that friends, or even advice givers don't replace them. A psychologist can help people become successful by helping them find truth.
