AboutDan Expertise I was once an expert on Askme.com, yet because askme is going out, I feel I can help people here. I am an expert in many areas of life, so why not try to be an expert here. State your ages with questions. I do not give medical advice online
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Expert: Dan Date: 8/24/2007 Subject: my past is making things hard
Question QUESTION: okay this is a very hard thing for me to talk about. i'm currently 15 and about 2 year ago i was raped. i got everything settled with that and i've gone to counseling and everything almost back to normal. but now most of the people i'm around are guys. there's some girls too but most of the girls at my school bug me and the guys are funnier. the guys are always by my locker because i'm in teh middle of the hall. that doesn't bug me. the problem is when they start talking about girls and their dates and stuff like that. a couple of times they have asked me to go out with them and i don't for two reasons, 1)i'm mormon and we don't date until we are 16 and 2) i don't feel comfortable around guys. they tell me that we could go just as a group of friends having fun but i still don't feel up to it.(oh and in case you are wondering, i haven't told them what happened. i don't think they really need to know.) because of this they kind of don't come around as much as they used to, not to the avoiding point but it's still less than it was before. my question is how can i feel comfortable going out with my guy friends? i trust them and i know they would never do anything to hurt me but whenever i'm around them i always have the thought of "will they rape me if i'm alone with them?" and another question should i tell them what happened and why i don't feel comfortable being around them in a personal setting? any advice you can give me right now is very much appreciated. thank you.
ANSWER: I am so sorry about the rape. I understand how this did hurt you. It was not your fault. I recommend our rape area, and I also recommend to mention this to your psychologist.
I will have to ask you if you want a hotline for advice. Please state your state if you do.
I will also ask you if you want to talk to me about your friends and if you think this can help you out. I'm here if you want to talk.
Let me know what I can do,
Dan
Please ask follow ups
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QUESTION: i would like to ask you about my friends. i guess what i would want to know is if telling my friends would help. the reason why i'm not telling them is because i don't know how they would act towards me after i told them. they are good guys and i don't think they would treat me any worse but it's just that i don't want to announce to the world what happened. i kind of feel like i want to tell them. school just started today and i don't want to become more distant than we've already become. these guys treat me like their little sister so i know they wouldn't shun me but i just don't want them to feel sorry for me. i'm sick of that. anything you can say about this would help. thanks.
ANSWER: If you tell them, should you tell all or start off with only one? And why that one?
You ask a good question here. Sadly I don't have a perfect answer. If you tell them, rumours can get around about you. People may look at you differently. And the talk may change. However, it may help you move on from your problem. You may gain support for your mental state. I know I would probably talk to my friends about such if it happened to me, yet is it always the best choice?
I recommend my coworker James Windell Parenting Teen expert with this question and coworker Alan in psychology. I also recommend the rape area. Let me know what they think.
Please let me know if you need anymore help,
Dan
P.S. It wasn't your fault what happened.
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QUESTION: i've been thinking about it and i decided to tell the ones i'm closest with and wait with the others. do you have any suggestions on how to bring it up? i don't want to just blurt it out in the hall. i want to tell them one at a time but again that makes my nervous and uncomfortable. is there a good way to do this?
Answer Hi,
Taking it slow is important. I know how hard it is to talk about such things to people. In person is better than online, yet yes it's hard. I know. You don't want to rush it out of you. I would recommend that you ask them not to mention it to anyone else.
I have to recommend the "expressing your self to others" experts on how to bring it up with them. I recently had another person come to me if I recall that when they talked to their friends about a problem they had, they felt a ton better because some of their friends had such a problem too, and they never knew it. But, yes I have heard of cases where it's not good to talk to your friends about such. That's the thing, each case is different.
Your friends job is to protect you, to support you, and to care for you. To respect you too. The list goes on and on, yet you get the point, right?
If you are involved in psychology you can use the "slow indirect" method before getting to the final part of the story. You need to read their signs to see how they think about this topic. Sadly I understand you probably aren't a psychology expert. Knowing this, all I can say is:
Be peaceful
Respectful
Honest
Don't rush it all out
Slow
Read the signs
Take breaks
Know it was not your fault
I recommend asking my coworkers for advice too on this
Best of luck,
Dan
Let me know how it turns out
Our psychology area can offer tips too
