Publications Elemental Truths, Lifehacker, Lifehacks, Faith Based Counseling, EZine
Education/Credentials BA, MA, DoCC
Past/Present Clients Education systems in WV, FL, and NC. Correctional institutions in FL. Mental Health institutions in Fl.Private school settings in TN. Commercial clients in TN. Numerous private clients.
Question QUESTION: k, this isn't going to be any different from anyone else that needs help. I am obviously realizing I am beyond sensitive when it comes to my emotions. I am, at this moment, horribly frustrated and angry and I don't know how to express what I feel to the point that I can get closure/resolve/healing...whatever is needed. I feel so tortured constantly because I know exactly what my issues are in my head yet I do not know how to deal with them. Everything seems so complicated, and due to a very interesting/extreme 5 months of my past life, I feel like I am shutting down. I'm miserable and I yet I have a drive to be perfect, I feel like I am tearing myself apart. I know it sounds like I am asking you to fix me, but I am obviously desperate if I have to trust someone over the internet that I don't know when I am going to a bible college.
ANSWER: Hello Chad,
If you are still capable of seeking out answers you may not be as close to your breaking point as you might fear. It is those who reject their problems or refuse to look into them that are the most difficult to help.
You mention that you are horribly frustrated and angry but you don't say why. As our God designed temperament is based in our elemental needs in control, affection and inclusion I might be of greater assistance to you if you could tell me of the circumstances that have brought about your dilemma.
Life is indeed complicated. Because everything we experience and do is a part of everything else we experience and do it is sometimes impossible to focus on any one element. We are ever contemplating what the effect of each of our actions will be upon everything and everyone else in our lives. It can become so daunting we fell frozen and unable to take any action at all. But, you have reached out, and that is action!
As you have said, I can't "fix" you, and I don't believe you are broken. But, if you would like to address some individual concerns I would be happy to point you in the right direction.
My first suggestion would be to examine your underlying temperament to be sure you are seeking to meet your needs in the right ways.
You may wish to start with the following temperaments table.
See if you can find you most predominant traits on the chart.
I wish you increasing peace and grace.
Dr. Reg Adkins of www.elementaltruths.com
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QUESTION: I have already done the temperament test, I am dominantly choleric in strength and melancholy in weaknesses. I have small amounts of sanguine as well.
The most recent situation that I have encountered is more or less embarrassing. I got into a near romantic relationship with a girl, who in my mind stabbed me in the back. In the midst of building our friendship she told me there is another guy and this would have been the first relationship I have ever been in. I have a huge problem with being vulnerable with people when building a friendship due to past rejection and hurt, and it took me awhile to build the courage to finally pursue again, and I got burned. Her and the other guy had a past and things were confusing for them so they weren't pursuing each other either. Through my emotional confusion I told her I wanted to remain friends to see if I could save whatever was made. I know for myself I don't want that kind of girl in my life. I found out the guy was a guy I really admired and trusted, so I had a talk with him. He told me she had an issue with leading guys on because she had a huge desire to be adored and so he lost interest in her. Supposedly she didn't understand limits. The guy I talked about began to like another girl and everyone thought they were going to date. So did the girl, and this is were everything got crazy. To make a very long story short, the girl that burned me, in my mind, manipulated him, and he cut off the girl that he was originally pursuing for the girl that hurt me. I immediately lost all respect for him. I was so angry, and still am.
So there is all this along with the struggles of self-esteem and my ability to communicate with people.
I have done everything, I've gone through the bondage breaker, I have gone to profs for guidance and have begged God to take my anger. There are just so many little things that are adding up and I don't know what to do. I am so confused and I honestly feel like I shut down.
I don't want this to seem like all my hurt and depression from this girl, it was just a trigger for everything else. I honestly feel overwhelmed and I don't want to but I am pushing everyone that is close to me away. Things are so confusing and the simple just give it to God answer isn't helping.
Answer Hello Chad,
I have a few suggestions you may wish to consider. I am basing my recommendations on the following assumptions: your APS temperament analysis provided you with choleric tendencies in Control, Melancholy in Inclusion and subdued Sanguine (or Melancholy Phlegmatic) in Affection.
Based on these traits I would suggest that you focus on strategies which strengthen your underlying self rather than finding cures for difficulties you encounter. And, you can begin building that stronger self now rather than waiting until everything is going well in your life.
-Seek out positive ways to channel your thinking. Think of yourself as "a tree planted by the waters that spreadeth out roots by the river, and shall not see when the heat cometh, the leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit." Jeremiah 17:8.
-Take time alone every day to regenerate.Find a place that is orderly, a sanctuary from the rest of the world. Perhaps a library or museum.
-Remember it is only possible to influence with good behavior, controlling them by force of will is not acceptable.
-Recognize that poor behavior on the part of others are not personal attack on you. The vast majority of hurtful behaviors are carried out by offenders because of their lack of the maturity necessary to understand that my behavior affects yours and the reverse, rather than intentionally wicked, hurtful or sinful choices.
-Express your feelings as they develop. Avoid waiting for the signs from another that it is okay for you to feel the way you feel. This will avoid instances of friends, family being caught off guard by your strong feelings. Consider the steam from a tea kettle as opposed to the bursting of a balloon. Both release pressure, one is less startling.
-Use your wit and dry humor to bring others closer rather than keeping them at a safe distance.
I encourage you to review the information I have written regarding temperament on my website. You may find many things there that will aid you.
